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Sunday, May 10, 2009

Getting Through

The first hour of my day started off like this:
- woke up after having dreams of my Mary, and realized she's still not here
- woke up Mackey to see that he shit in his crate (yes IN the crate). Gag.
- found a dead tiny-baby bird on the back patio
- heard gas grill trying to ignite itself but luckily didn't blow to Kingdom come
- recorded my temps to learn that my FF chart is still whack & won't confirm O even though I KNOW it happened

Fun, huh? You can be jealous. It's okay.

Determined to survive what I anticipated to be an overly sucky day, I fed the pups, began prepping lunch to take to my mom, gnawed on some pineapple core, finished some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, left a message for my step-mom, talked to my little brother, showered, and did everything I could not to cry.

I did a good job for a while. I thought, "All right . . . I can do this!" Lunch was nice with my mom, Rick (her husband), and my brother Jeffrey. Then we started planning Mary's memorial. Tears. Mom first, me to follow. Luckily, my brother Michael and his daugther Aeva arrived right then & put smiles on our faces.

Then Mike & Aeva left, Rick took Jeffrey home, and Mom and I began to look through photos of my beautiful grandmother. More tears. It broke my heart when I started crying first, made my mom cry, and she said to me, "I'm sorry." Like there was anything she could have done to save me from losing Mary. It just hurt me to know that her mom isn't here for Mother's Day, and I felt the fear of knowing someday I will be in her shoes. We got through those tears together, and it helped. I know there are more to come.

I finally left for home after cleaning the kitchen and gathering things that my mom wanted me to take home. (Note: You never leave my mom's without taking some stuff home with you.) After unloading my car & eating dinner, I checked my email. An email from my Dad was at the top of my inbox. More tears. Bawling tears.

I know this is a tough day in some respects for you but I want you to know that regardless of whether you are able to become a Mother, you are MY little girl and will always be MY little girl and I love you without reservation.
I love you very much!

Thankfully, it wasn't a Mothers' Day card like he'd sent in years past, but it was wonderful to hear such sentiments from my own Dad.

While today sucked, seeing my beautiful & amazing mom, spending time with my brothers, and hearing from many of my family & friends helped ease the pain that today brought. And so did a shitload of peanut M&Ms.


babydust81 said...

I am sorry it has been a tough day for you. But that was definitely very nice of your dad to write that email. N to be able to spend the day with your mum and bro (loved ones) I believe it helped to ease the pain. May it get easier from now.

Patty said...

Kristen, speaking from very recent experience, I am amazed at how my thoughts of Mom's (Granny) funeral went back to those pictures that my nieces put together. There were so many on that poster board that brought back so many memories. I am glad you and your Mom got to go back and look at the pictures. And take it from me the crying is very necessary.
I was thinking of you yesterday and knew the day would be hard for you. I so wish I could take away your pain of losing your precious Mary.
Thank you for your kind words on Katie's blog. I am glad Katie outed me to you so you wouldn't think some crazy old woman was stalking your blog.

Erin Fae said...

I was thinking of you yesterday. Big hugs to you.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

I'm so sorry you had such a hard day. But I'm very glad you got to spend time with and hear from your family and friends. I wish there was something I could do to help you, but hopefully my prayers are helping in some small way. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

Marsha said...

i heart your dad.

jaime said...


I'm sorry about the really crappy day.

(Psssst, I nominated you for a blog award on my blog.)

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