Back in the Saddle . . . Again

Cysts are gone! Nothing there but a couple of ovaries, all ripe for the growing of follies.

When I entered the office "across the street", the waiting room was void of all patients. Sweet! No beautifully round baby bellies staring at my broken, baby-killing uterus. When Nurse E took my bp (which was elevated again) and Dr. T came out to greet me, I said, "So this is what it's like on the other side! Let's get this going, so I can be here for real."

Being the completely immodest person I am, I start stripping once I walk into the exam room. Don't think the door was even closed - maybe I should work on that a bit. Nurse E, not being like my puncturer, wasn't fazed a bit. Dr. T comes in and proves that my ovaries are lovely. He used a machine that is being replaced on Monday for a newer model. That's when I had a great idea.

Dr. T and I discussed it, and we are going to start a business. Since we live merely a few blocks away from one another, we are going to take the old u/s machine to his house. He'll open up his garage doing FMS and u/s for $20. We're going to start recruiting the neighborhood infertiles first, and go from there. I'll let you know how that goes. ;)

Anyway . . . I started the Femara again yesterday and go back on the 9th for an FMS. Depending on what we see, we'll get ready for an hcg trigger shot and IUI. The worst part of this cycle is that my FSA (flexible spending account for medical) is gone. I've used all $1500 of it this year. It'll cost me cash out of my pocket now.

As I stepped out of the exam room, there was an obviously pregnant woman with her husband waiting to come in. Nurse E had just asked her how many weeks along she was (30) and if she'd done her glucose test (yes). Dr. T and I walk by them, and then is how it goes:

Dr. T: "Hey, do mind if she rubs your belly?"

Girl: smiles.

Dr. T: "She's infertile."

Girl: most likely freaks out on the inside.

Me: "I'll touch her belly if she takes the glucose test again." (insert cheeky smile)

Everyone: Game over.

I swear that Dr. T guy is insane sometimes. Any other person saying that would've gotten a punch in the head.

Another interesting moment happened as I was leaving the hospital. Walking down the hall, I see a girl with an obviously precious new baby in her arms. I walk the other way because I'm bitter and just not up to it after the belly-rub incident. I enter the elevator and push the button for the door to close. As the doors slide together, new mom with new baby walks up to the elevator and tries to step in. I jump to push the door open button and being pushing it frantically. I accidentally pushed the door close button. Oops. The doors close, and I am safe. (It really was an accident. I'm bitter but not rude.)

I left the building laughing out loud at myself because I am the insane one now. Maybe I caught it from Dr. T.

So, I'm Still Here

I haven't bled to death yet, so I guess I'll keep blogging. If you don't hear from me, you'll know that AF had her way with me and won. ;)

I went for acupuncture again today. This time it felt more like acuPUNCTURE than before. My puncturer asked if it was okay to be aggressive, so I said yes not knowing what aggressive meant. It meant he put needles in my scalp, on the top of my head, in my wrists and arms, on the sides of my finger, sticking out of my thumb, in my calves, on my back, into my neck, on my stomach, in my ankles, and some other places I lost count of along the way. When he put one of the needles into the side of my hand, it shot up my forearm clear up to my shoulder. I said, "Did you hit one of my nerves?" Puncturer said, "Western medicine call it nerve. We call it channel." Nerve, channel, I don't care. That was crazy. I think a few of those needles must've been way extra long & hit my ovaries. Okay, maybe they didn't really hit my ovaries but dang . . .

And now that I think about it, the only thing he had me take off today was my socks and shoes. Ha!

When I asked what the purpose was for this treatment today (in relation to IF), puncture man said that it was to "stimulate my uterine and ovaries" and "clear my woman channel". He also said to "find out what doctor say about cysts" and he will "make them goway if still there." Whatever. Just make it all work in there!

I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow. The worst part of it (other than AF being here and the dildo cam being involved with that) will be that Dr. T is on call, so I have to go "across the street." I know a few of you who read my blog know what that means since your doc is a part of the same practice as Dr. Terrific. "Across the street" means I'm going to the OB office. I've never made it across the street before. See, that's the good thing about Dr. T's office. The pregnant office and the unpregnant office are separate. So separate that they are across the street from one another.

It'll be okay though. The pg ladies and I will wait together. The lucky with the unlucky. The baby carriers with the baby killer. The fertiles with the infertile. The blessed with the unblessed. As long as nobody asks when I'm due, we'll be jjuuuusstttt fine.

It's Official

I appreciate your friendship, support, and readership these past however many months I've been blogging now. However, my time has come to say goodbye. I won't be able to blog anymore. The end is coming. I am going to kick the bucket. Croak. Head to the big house. I'm going to bleed to death and die.

After 2 weeks of AF last cycle, she's back again. Cycle 30 . . . here we are. The red-headed slut is out to kill this time. The cramps and flow are already killers on CD1. Of course, I've been spotting for 6 days, so I knew she was coming. Plus I hear that you at least have to have sex to get pregnant. Well, if one can even get pg without medical intervention.



Baseline u/s is scheduled for Friday. If the cysts are gone, then we'll be back in the saddle again. I'm not excited because I know this will probably be our last shot at IUI. Being that IVF is way out of our price range, and since I don't know of any docs who offer the "you po teeechers discount", I'm really scared that this will be the end of our road. One way or another, this might be it.

Since I can't worry about that or solving global warming tonight, hellcramps and I are going to bed. And yes, Auntie is coming with us. Bitch. If I don't croak in the night, I will blog again later this week.

So Much to Ramble . . .

So little energy to ramble it. Let's see . . . we'll start with one of my favorite phrases. I learned it from a client many years ago, and I have neither forgotten it nor stopped living it.

Pronounced "bo-hee-kah":

- Update: Had a nice, little conversation with the billing bimbo at Dr. G&D's office. I basically said, "So, since you're new in this position, I will assume your predecessor did not do her job effectively and is gone for a reason." I then had to call my benefits department to contact my now former insurance company to have them contact G&D's office. Incompetent fools.

- Got a bill from Dr. Terrific's office today for the failed IUI. Didn't think I'd get away with not getting billed for it since it didn't work. Yes, hope was still alive for that one!

- I had my first acupuncture appointment today. I'm interested to see what kind of long-term effects I will gain from it. I didn't feel the needles at.all. There was a bit of a radiating sensation from the needle site, but that was it. We are working on infertility, hand numbness, and back pain. Apparently, my "chi needs to be balanced and raised" and my "uterus needs to be warmed". Okay. I'm game for anything at this point. I even told the acupuncturist to hang me from the ceiling by my feet if he thought it would work. He didn't laugh. I thought it was kinda funny.

- Speaking of funny, I had an interesting moment at the acu office today. After the voodoo was done on my back, the acu had me move to another room for my front voodooing. He had me put on my shirt to move rooms vs. leave my pretty white paper shirt on to walk to the next room over. Then he told me to take my top off and roll up the legs of my pants. When I told him that I left my paper shirt in the other room, he said not to worry about it. Okay. So I stripped down and laid on the table. When Mr. Voodoo came into the room, he seemed a little rattled. It was at that point he grabbed a lab jacket and said, "Let's put this . . . uh . . . there." Oops. I think I was supposed to leave my bra on. He got a full Mardi-Gras style flashin' from me. Of course, I didn't think it was anything until I got in the car to go home. Mr. Voodoo probably thinks I'm a freak. Maybe I am. Infertility will do that to any sane woman, ya know.

- And for the record, I'm tired of former pregnancy loss and infertile women bitching, moaning, whining, and complaining. Many of these women are pg again for the 2nd time since I first got to know them after we both m/c. The complaining about being pg or being a mom must stop in person, on FB, in blogs, and anywhere else where I have access. STFU to all of you. If you want to trade places, I'll do it. Anything to ease your pain and discomfort.

That's all the rambling I can muster for now. I'm tired -- goodnight!

LAST CHANCE to Vote for Steve!

I know. Being infertile has made me a crazier dog mom than I was before. So, help an infertile mom of furbabies out here! The contest ends on Sunday, so please vote every day until then!

Are you serious????

I'm almost rendered speechless, but not quite.

I received by mail a bill on Thursday. Yes, on Thursday, October 15, 2009. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It was a bill from Dr. Gloom & Doom. For $945. For services rendered. In November & December 2008. This is the first and (I imagine) the last bill I have ever received from that office.

Guess who isn't getting a DIME of my money? If anything, that incompetent bastard owes ME money. I honestly don't have much else to say about this topic, other than fuck off Dr. G&D. All you have to do is piss me off once.

Remembering

I'm missing my three babies more than usual this week. Maybe it's because of today, maybe it's because of the unknown, or maybe it's because I cut my happy pill dosage in half, but it is for sure because I miss the babies I never got to meet or see or hold or smell or carry or watch grow up. It's so difficult to explain how you can miss someone you have never met. The only people who truly understand are the ladies who have experienced it. And for that - for all of you - I am thankful.

I don't understand why God has chosen this path for me. I don't like it, and I don't want it. However, here I am. All I can do is try to follow my path and pray that it leads to us having a baby of our own. As I say as a part of my daily prayer, "Lord, please heal my body so we can create a baby that I can carry to term and deliver healthy, so we can raise your little angel here on Earth for you."

I miss you and love you, my babies. I'm sorry that I failed you. I hope your Grannys and your Mary are rocking you for me now. I still wish that it was me though.

Remembering Our Babies

Please take a moment to watch this beautiful video, and remember to light a candle on October 15th at 7:00pm wherever you are in the world. Leave that candle burning for at least an hour, so one entire day of our world will be honored as remembrance of those babies - our babies - who have been lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.



I will light my candle this Thursday, October 15th, for my three babies who have left a wound in my heart that will never be completely healed. My candle will burn for my babies and for your babies. I pray they are all being loved, rocked, cradled, comforted, and playing in Heaven until we meet them there.

Double Your Awards, Double Your Fun

My bloggy friend, the WiseGuy, has awarded me with not only one but TWO (Did you hear that?- TWO!) blog awards.

The first award of which I have been bestowed, is the "Over the Top" blog award. Yeah, I'm over the top. Over the top crazy. IF tends to do that to a woman!



I'm not good with following rules, but here is what I'm supposed to do:

1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have fun!


1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? Blonde w/ gray I need to "erase"
3. Your mother? self-sacrificing
4. Your father? Dependable
5. Your favorite food? chips
6. Your dream last night? Mary
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? children
9. What room are you in? den
10. Your hobby? scrapbooking
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? friends'
14. Something that you aren’t? thin
15. Muffins? banana-nut
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Dallas
18. Last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? pajamas
20. Your TV? FOOTBALL!
21. Your pets? four
22. Friends? many
23. Your life? busy
24. Your mood? tired
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? dirty
27. Something you’re not wearing? bra
28. Your favorite store? decor
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When was the last time you laughed? Friday
31. Last time you cried? Thursday
32. Your best friend? gone
33. One place that I go to over and over? school
34. One person who emails me regularly? Vicki
35. Favorite place to eat? out

I'm now regifting this award to a few of my fellow bloggers - the list is at the end of this post.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I also got the Kreativ Blogger Award. Yes, I know that kreativ is actually spelled creative, but please play along. Thanks, S!



What? More rules?
1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4) Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7) Leave a comment on each.

Seven Things that People May Not Know About Me:

1. My second toe is longer than my other toes. I get this from my father. Thanks for the lovely toes, Dad.
2. My eyelashes are transparent. I look as if I have no lashes unless I'm wearing mascara or have them dyed.
3. My parents called me names such as "Cheeri-O head" and "Bedspring Head" when I was little because my hair has always been so curly. Now I'm dying to have a child to whom I can do the same.
4. I never cared much for animals until I met my husband. I had my cat. I liked her. That was it. Now I can't imagine not having our four furbabies.
5. I am very sensitive and cry easily, but people at work & those who don't know me well don't realize that.
6. I have always, always, always envisioned myself as a mother. Since I was very young, I planned to have children and be a mommy. I never envisioned myself as an almost 42 year old childless woman. You probably already figured that one out, huh?
7. I am okay doing absolutely nothing. I can lay around in pajamas and watch TV all day without regretting it. My husband is not the same. Luckily, we accept one another for our differences.

These awards now go to: Bunches of Burches, The Happy Hours, No Swimmers, Tovah Thinks.

I know I'm supposed to pass it on to seven people, but I'm tired today and just feel like breaking the rules. :)

Cease & Desist Order

I am placing a Cease & Desist order with AF. Her teasing and torturing began ELEVEN DAYS ago, and she's still taunting me just a bit. My beta came back negative (as expected), so why have I been spotting and bleeding and spotting and bleeding since freaking September 26th?

Go away, AF. And don't even come back again.

I Know I've Probably Heard It Before

but hearing, "I just hate it that you're having to go through all of this," holds so much more meaning when it comes from your mom. My heart needed that.

Where is My Frequent Flyer Card?

Last night, as I was going to sleep, I had some pretty good cramps. I took some ibuprofen and rested. I felt okay after waking this morning, showering, and heading to school. Before 10:00 I could feel leaking. WTH? I went to the restroom to find that I had bled through a super-plus tampon, pantyliner, underwear and jeans. As any junior high girl would, I spent the rest of the day wearing a jacket tied around my waist.

By noon I had called Dr. T's office. I was still bleeding, leaking, having some cramps, borrowing pads from the nurse's office, and passing small clots here and there. Again, WTH? I was able to get an appointment right after school, so I made yet another 20 mile trek from work to the doctor's office. On Friday. In traffic. Ugh. My appointment was with Dr. R Sr. for the second time in a few weeks. (Note: Nurse Excellent knows I won't see his stoopid son ever again, so I doubt I'll ever mention Young Dr. R again.)

After peeing bleeding peeing into a cup for a sample, I naturally knew what to do - strip from the waist down and use the paper skirt to add to my overall fashion statement. After a swab, a pelvic exam (that hurt like shit), a finger stick (to learn I'm not quite anemic now), being given a crapload of samples of iron pills and orders for more vampiring, I learned this bloodbath I'm experiencing is one of two things: (1) I'm just having a terrible period. And I mean terrible. (2) I'm experiencing "complications from an early pregnancy" aka m/c. The bleeding is not the cysts rupturing. I'm just bleeding to death or something like that.

I told Dr. R that I'm not having any pg symptoms at all. With my history, I know when I'm pregnant. So, bets are that I'm having a really, really bad, nasty, horrible AF. The betas that the vampire drew today will verify that for sure, but those results won't be in until later next week.

So, after being in Dr. T's office for the FIFTH TIME in only 17 days, I asked the ladies at the front desk to punch my frequent flyer card. Everyone in that damn office knows me now, so you'd think they'd at least set up some kind of program just for me. Better yet, they could simply insert a baby in me during one of my many visits. Oh well . . .

I'm finally home, out of my nasty clothes, showered, and resting. Maybe DH will throw me a raw steak later, so I can elevate my iron levels.

The Irony

The irony of IF is placing a used feminine hygiene product in the pregnancy test box already sitting in the trash can.

I'm missing my babies and wanting one I can actually have and hold tonight. :(