Cycle #40

Cycle #40 began today after a few days of some definite phantom symptoms that almost gave me some hope.  While I am disappointed in yet another bfn, I've been able to find the positives.  Right now we are vacationing in gorgeous Northern California, and I'm sitting here getting my drink on before getting in the hot tub tonight.  Couldn't have done that with a bfp, huh?

I will say that if the number of cycles it takes us to get pg exceeds my age, we will have a problem.

One Day

I saw this on the IF forum which I frequent & wanted to share it with those of you who haven't yet seen it.  If you have, it's okay if you read it again.  :)

ONE DAY


One Day I will no longer look forward to treatments,

I won’t have to inject myself, or take another set of pills.

Infertility won’t haunt my daily thoughts,

My hopes won’t be crushed after every cycle,

I won’t cry inside when I hear a friend is pregnant,

Or when my period comes, inevitably, every month,

I won’t constantly hunt for information,

Or try to decipher the “signals” that my body is sending me,

Or wonder if something I eat, drink, do, see, think could prevent pregnancy,

AND

One Day I will be the one with two lines,

Scared every day to lose a life inside of me,

Experiencing morning sickness,

Swollen, painful breasts, Swollen ankles, Fatigue,

And the joy of becoming rounder everyday,

I will discuss pregnancy and motherhood with other women as an equal,

I will hear a heart beating inside me that is not my own,

I will see a tiny “bean” grow into a Baby on ultrasound,

I will buy tiny clothes, cribs, strollers, car seats,

I will prepare a nursery fit for royalty,

One Day I will feel contractions grip my body,

And feel the anticipation of meeting my Little One,

And rush to the hospital,

We will be nervous,

And we will get through this too…together,

And we will meet Our Baby…our precious, beautiful Baby.

We will count ten fingers and toes,

We will wonder who he/she looks like,

We will finally announce the arrival of our baby to our families,

And we will take Our Baby home,

To the nursery fit for royalty,

And count our blessings,

And cuddle our Little One endlessly,

And know how truly, truly blessed we are.

I believe that one day we will have all this, and more.

Not much to report.

  

DH and I just returned from a trip to Batlanta to take care of some family business and see a plethora of friends.  Of course, during our travels the O fairy arrived with tons of post-op EWCM.  Doubt we'll see any positive results from that experience.  And, ATL friends, if for some random reason you are reading this, don't worry - your home wasn't used for our efforts.  :)  Therefore, our daughters will not be named Georgia, Mary Etta, or anything like that.  Whew!

Awards Time!

I know some ladies who are getting "Back in the Saddle" and need to be awarded for it!

The Back in the Saddle Award

Background: This award is given to bloggers that are "Back in the Saddle" of life. This may be someone who is undergoing medical treatments, restarting life, resurfacing after a tragedy, or someone who is just trying to sport a new attitude. Recipients have an attitude of a fighter, strive to be a winner of the battle, and show determination.

Rules: Post the award's graphic, background, and rules on your blog. Explain how you are "Back in the Saddle" again, and then pass the award on to at least four other bloggers who are "Back in the Saddle" just like you. Make sure you let them know that they have been given this award, and ask them to pass it on.
 
Maria, Baby Bump Bound, Two Week Wait, LMC, & JackieMac . . . this is for you!

Racing . . . No . . . *Sprinting* Through My Mind

Ever since my post-op appointment with Dr. Terrific, I've had this gnawing & lingering feeling.  I left his office, waving to my dear friends, Nurse Excellent and Nurse Amazing, with the words, "Go get pregnant!" in my head.  What I thought was a lingering feeling is now the sprinting of those words through my mind on a constant basis.  My anxiety is up, and it's affecting me.

I'm sleeping, but not comfortably.  I'll ask a question, get an answer, and forget the words before I make it into the next room.  I about damn-near lopped off two of the fingers on my left hand while absent-mindedly chopping bell peppers with a butcher knife.  I stutter and stammer when I talk.  I constantly rewind the DVR to repeat what I just saw on TV and didn't process.  I have a difficult time looking people in the eyes.

Granted, I've had these issues before (outside of the dismembering of my phalanges), but this time it's not from work-related stress or home-related stress.  I'm not depressed, though.  It's all inside my mind.

"Go get pregnant!"  Yeah, I've done that before.  Three times in one year, in fact.  That's why I have three dead babies (in one year).  Then, for two years, we struggle to get pregnant.   SURE, we'll just "go get pregnant."

Because getting pregnant is (WAS) so easy, I/we have:

• more surgeries
• four failed IUIs
• TI cycles
• more TI with Femara cycles
• Cancelled cycles due to cysts
• LOTS of hooha parties
• Temping
• Eating a shitton of pineapple core
• Eating the whole damn pineapple in a day
• Peeing on things -- all sorts of things.
• Multiple fancy times with the dildo cam
• Acupuncture
• Chiropractice
• Therapy
• Grief therapy
• Mind over matter
• Music
• Blogging
• Pretending
• Praying
• Petitioning for prayers
• Carrying around and sleeping with random trinkets
• Hiding baby things
• Spending all of my savings and then some
• And more.

"Go get pregnant."  Dammit, we're gonna try.  I just wish it was as easy as that.  What if all of this surgery yields us the results of nothing?  I'm so used to being broken, that maybe it's just difficult to believe I could be "unbroken."  It would be amazingly awesome if we got pg without having to do IVF and CGH and infusions and all of that expensive stuff.  It would truly be an answer to prayer.  I also know there are no guarantees.  Just because we get pg doesn't mean I stay that way.  My records do have the words "habitual arborter" plastered all over it.  And I don't even have a charm or a t-shirt to prove it.  But that's for another day, another rambling.

Truly, I can't really worry about it like I am.  I will NOT let it completely consume me again.  Right now it's a subconscious thing and it needs to stay that way before going away completely.  I can't go back to that "place", and I won't do it to my DH.  Guess I'll just continue to take my  blood pressure meds, PNVs, happy pills, anti-anxiety pills, folic acid, and daily aspirin.  We'll continue to have sex.  And I'll probably continue doing most of the crazy stuff I just shared with you.  (Ya know, just in case!)  Plus, I know that I'm not alone.  I was reading a blog post by my blogfriend, 2WW, and what she says make sense.  That, or we're both just nuts.  Still, nuts ain't so bad as long as you're together!  :)

In all seriousness, this whole thing is scary stuff.  The thought of it not happening . . . it's . . . consuming . . . unnerving.  Even with all of the crazy emotions and fears, I truly still feel that DH and I will be parents.  We will get pregnant and deliver a healthy child.  We will become "Mommy" and "Daddy".  We have to.  We WILL.

Sex in Absentia

I would like to publicly thank some of my friends for having sex to support us.  Luckily for our plan (but sadly for DH) the evil dear eternal AF showed up yesterday morning right before my appt with Dr. T.  She was even 2 days early!  Just to rub it in, I've had hella cramps since this afternoon.  Guess my nice, clean ute is readjusting or something freakish like that.  Ouch.

So, keep at it my friends, and we'll be joining your ranks soon.  :)  I'll just start relaxing right now.

Marching Orders

First of all, THANK YOU for all of your comments on my pathetic ridiculous dramatic last blog post.  You all remind me that although I may often feel alone, I am not.  Much debate went on in my tiny little head about even posting it, yet I decided to go for it just in case there was just ONE other person out there feeling the same way.  Misery loves company, doesn't it?  Either way, I learned that I might be the only one in my skin with such feelings, but there are others in the trenches with me.

I had my post-op appointment with Dr. T exactly two weeks after my surgery.  Apparently, he did visit me in recovery.  I remember hearing his voice.  Dr. T said, "Uh, yeah you were out of it."  Ya think dude?!  Chuckling, he said, "Talking to you did no good, and talking to your husband wasn't much better."  When relayed that to DH, he defensively said, "I did tell you everything he said, didn't I?"  :)  Guess that proves yet again the difference in knowledge base between the IFer and the DH of the IFer!

In my laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, doctors found "feather-like" tissue that was easy to remove.  (words in quotation marks are Dr. T's words)  Past that scar tissue was more of a "fibrous" tissue that wasn't necessarily solid tissue but more similar to cartilage.  The shape was like a "pillar" in the fundus of my uterus.  It did appear as a type of septum, but it was not consistent with a uterine abonormailty but more of additional scar tissue.  That tissue was carefully removed as well.  After that tissue was completely removed, my uterus "sprung back" into shape.  Fibroids were of no consequence, tubes were open & clear, and an endometrial polyp was removed.  There was NO evidence of endo.  Yea!

My stadium is now clear and shiny, but I unfortunately have no proof of a diamond-encrusted roof.  Not even after all of the money I had to pay!  Hopefully embryos implant better in clean uterine tissue than diamonds anyway.

After drawings, reading charts, chatting, and the usual bs, Dr. T provided me with . . . drumroll please . . .

Plan #69583309-05-B-82k298t.9h-XYZ:  "Go home, do it like crazy, and get pregnant."

Easier said than done, but here we go anyway.