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Friday, July 9, 2010

Racing . . . No . . . *Sprinting* Through My Mind

Ever since my post-op appointment with Dr. Terrific, I've had this gnawing & lingering feeling.  I left his office, waving to my dear friends, Nurse Excellent and Nurse Amazing, with the words, "Go get pregnant!" in my head.  What I thought was a lingering feeling is now the sprinting of those words through my mind on a constant basis.  My anxiety is up, and it's affecting me.

I'm sleeping, but not comfortably.  I'll ask a question, get an answer, and forget the words before I make it into the next room.  I about damn-near lopped off two of the fingers on my left hand while absent-mindedly chopping bell peppers with a butcher knife.  I stutter and stammer when I talk.  I constantly rewind the DVR to repeat what I just saw on TV and didn't process.  I have a difficult time looking people in the eyes.

Granted, I've had these issues before (outside of the dismembering of my phalanges), but this time it's not from work-related stress or home-related stress.  I'm not depressed, though.  It's all inside my mind.

"Go get pregnant!"  Yeah, I've done that before.  Three times in one year, in fact.  That's why I have three dead babies (in one year).  Then, for two years, we struggle to get pregnant.   SURE, we'll just "go get pregnant."

Because getting pregnant is (WAS) so easy, I/we have:
  • more surgeries
  • four failed IUIs
  • TI cycles
  • more TI with Femara cycles
  • Cancelled cycles due to cysts
  • LOTS of hooha parties
  • Temping
  • Eating a shitton of pineapple core
  • Eating the whole damn pineapple in a day
  • Peeing on things -- all sorts of things.
  • Multiple fancy times with the dildo cam
  • Acupuncture
  • Chiropractice
  • Therapy
  • Grief therapy
  • Mind over matter
  • Music
  • Blogging
  • Pretending
  • Praying
  • Petitioning for prayers
  • Carrying around and sleeping with random trinkets
  • Hiding baby things
  • Spending all of my savings and then some
  • And more.
"Go get pregnant."  Dammit, we're gonna try.  I just wish it was as easy as that.  What if all of this surgery yields us the results of nothing?  I'm so used to being broken, that maybe it's just difficult to believe I could be "unbroken."  It would be amazingly awesome if we got pg without having to do IVF and CGH and infusions and all of that expensive stuff.  It would truly be an answer to prayer.  I also know there are no guarantees.  Just because we get pg doesn't mean I stay that way.  My records do have the words "habitual arborter" plastered all over it.  And I don't even have a charm or a t-shirt to prove it.  But that's for another day, another rambling.

Truly, I can't really worry about it like I am.  I will NOT let it completely consume me again.  Right now it's a subconscious thing and it needs to stay that way before going away completely.  I can't go back to that "place", and I won't do it to my DH.  Guess I'll just continue to take my  blood pressure meds, PNVs, happy pills, anti-anxiety pills, folic acid, and daily aspirin.  We'll continue to have sex.  And I'll probably continue doing most of the crazy stuff I just shared with you.  (Ya know, just in case!)  Plus, I know that I'm not alone.  I was reading a blog post by my blogfriend, 2WW, and what she says make sense.  That, or we're both just nuts.  Still, nuts ain't so bad as long as you're together!  :)

In all seriousness, this whole thing is scary stuff.  The thought of it not happening . . . it's . . . consuming . . . unnerving.  Even with all of the crazy emotions and fears, I truly still feel that DH and I will be parents.  We will get pregnant and deliver a healthy child.  We will become "Mommy" and "Daddy".  We have to.  We WILL.


Marsha said...

I really love your last sentence in this post. And I believe that too...wholeheartedly.

WiseGuy said...

It is very unnerving.

I hope your last line rings true. SOON.

Take Care!

Anonymous said...

Yes, those words are so easily said but for us it's really very difficult to do... I wish it wasn't...

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