I'm sleeping, but not comfortably. I'll ask a question, get an answer, and forget the words before I make it into the next room. I about damn-near lopped off two of the fingers on my left hand while absent-mindedly chopping bell peppers with a butcher knife. I stutter and stammer when I talk. I constantly rewind the DVR to repeat what I just saw on TV and didn't process. I have a difficult time looking people in the eyes.
Granted, I've had these issues before (outside of the dismembering of my phalanges), but this time it's not from work-related stress or home-related stress. I'm not depressed, though. It's all inside my mind.
"Go get pregnant!" Yeah, I've done that before. Three times in one year, in fact. That's why I have three dead babies (in one year). Then, for two years, we struggle to get pregnant. SURE, we'll just "go get pregnant."
Because getting pregnant is (WAS) so easy, I/we have:
- more surgeries
- four failed IUIs
- TI cycles
- more TI with Femara cycles
- Cancelled cycles due to cysts
- LOTS of hooha parties
- Eating a shitton of pineapple core
- Eating the whole damn pineapple in a day
- Peeing on things -- all sorts of things.
- Multiple fancy times with the dildo cam
- Grief therapy
- Mind over matter
- Petitioning for prayers
- Carrying around and sleeping with random trinkets
- Hiding baby things
- Spending all of my savings and then some
- And more.
Truly, I can't really worry about it like I am. I will NOT let it completely consume me again. Right now it's a subconscious thing and it needs to stay that way before going away completely. I can't go back to that "place", and I won't do it to my DH. Guess I'll just continue to take my blood pressure meds, PNVs, happy pills, anti-anxiety pills, folic acid, and daily aspirin. We'll continue to have sex. And I'll probably continue doing most of the crazy stuff I just shared with you. (Ya know, just in case!) Plus, I know that I'm not alone. I was reading a blog post by my blogfriend, 2WW, and what she says make sense. That, or we're both just nuts. Still, nuts ain't so bad as long as you're together! :)
In all seriousness, this whole thing is scary stuff. The thought of it not happening . . . it's . . . consuming . . . unnerving. Even with all of the crazy emotions and fears, I truly still feel that DH and I will be parents. We will get pregnant and deliver a healthy child. We will become "Mommy" and "Daddy". We have to. We WILL.