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Monday, June 28, 2010


That's how I'm feeling lately.  It's like nobody understands - nobody.  Granted I spent surgery day through Wednesday on the couch, pretty much by myself, which can lead to isolation and loneliness.  However, even after time with friends and family . . . I'm alone.  Nobody fucking understands. If they do, they certainly don't act like it.  If they know, they sure as hell aren't reaching out.  I feel like I have to do all of the calling, emailing, messaging, reaching out.  Sometimes I simply need someone that understands this battle to get in touch with me and say, "Hey.  It sucks. I'm here for you." and then I feel like I can actually talk to them about this island I feel to be stuck upon day after day, month after month, year after year.  Nobody can fix it.  I know that.  But, geez, I'm feeling so isolated.  Each day that goes by is another pregnancy announcement, another birthday for a child that was born after I lost my three babies, and other reminders that I'm broken and barren.

* People that haven't been through this - be quiet.  You truly have no opinion to me.  I know you mean well, but STFU.  What you have to say usually doesn't help but makes me feel as bad if not worse.
* People that understand what it's like - help me out here.  Don't hole up also and let me figure out where you are by some random happening.  Please don't make me feel so alone by not reaching out.  If you're in the trenches it sucks for you, too.  Can't we help each other out here?
* People who have been through all of this and now have a child - don't act like you have elevated above my status and I can't be your friend because it's too hard.  Yeah, you have a child/children, but you know what it's like.  You aren't above it and I know I am certainly not.

Now that I write all of that, I KNOW there are going to be some people that either think or write to me saying, "I'm sorry. I hope I haven't done that." or "I didn't mean to." or "You're just so bitter.  I miss the real you." or "I don't know how to help you anymore." or other comments and advice.  This isn't about anyone in particular.  It is about ME.  It is about the fact that I'm going on cycle 40, and the family that I have dreamed about for years - the family that we've been wanting for years - isn't happening.

I'm only in this life for true friends now.  I'm too old for anything else.  This is a serious battle here, and I need some serious people in it with me.  Put up or shut up.  Be with me or get the hell out of my way.

Does that sound selfish?  Probably.  Do I expect to be the #1 priority to anyone else but me?  No.  Do I care?  No.  I'm the person who has given up more than my share of time, effort, love, money, care, and life to everyone else.  It is time that DH & I get what we want and deserve.  Do I know that has/may cost me more friendships?  Sure.  Sorry, but if you aren't willing or able to stand beside or behind me in battle, be gone with your bad self.  I may love ya, but go away.

Hold on to my dreams?  Believe that it can happen?  Keep trying?  Keep fighting?  Give up?  Lay down?  Quit?  Surrender?  Hell if I know.  I'm tired, and I just don't know how much longer this can go on.  Really - how long do you fight until it's time to lay down your weapon and surrender?  I'm just about out of energy, emotion, money, and time.  I don't plan to surrender until I am told I have no other choice, but still . . .

Brought to you by the bitter bitch who is feeling better physically but still dying inside.


Lindsay said...

I am so sorry, Sweetie. I know more than many just how cruel this world can be. Nothing about IF is fair. It sucks. It makes you just want to die inside, to take away the hurt. We go through so much and still it is no guarantee of any happy ending.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. You are a strong woman. You are a woman who knows what she wants and has a beautiful dream. I hope that is comes true someday soon.


Shannon said...

Infertility makes you feel so alone. I am sorry you are feeling down, my heart hurts for you because you are feeling that way.

I want you to know that I think of you all the time. You have been in my prayer journal since I "met" you and I will always be thinking of you.

Wifezzilla said...

I feel like some people think that I am so bitter, so they have no choice but to distance themselves. Instead of "giving me space", they should ask me what is going on and how I am. When I talk about things going on in my head, I either realize that I'm not as sad as I sometimes feel, OR, it just helps to get my thoughts out to someone who'll listen and then know.

So while I write about myself here, I just want you to know that I understand where you're coming from. Some people think that because they haven't been through what you have been through, they cannot possibly understand. Well, the fact is that they don't have to understand. They just have to be human. Everyone should kow how to be human.

Baby bump bound said...

Just want to let ou know I am thinking about you and sending you ((hugs))

Maria (MKC101103) said...

Well, since I know I'm NOT one of those people you have described (and if you think I am, that is TOTAL BS!!! LOL), I'm going to offer my two cents. If you're not prepared to keep reading, then stop right here.

You have held out hope longer than most could have. I have heard you question a few (many?) times about when is it time to quit. I think you may be teetering on that point now. Every time you mention it it's stronger, and I honestly feel like you're getting close to giving up. Strike that, not giving up. I don't know what the proper term would be, but it's not giving up. I know you're recent surgery has shed new light and as long as Dr. T. has hope, I will keep hoping right along with him. But maybe it's time for a serious chat with him about his honest opinion on you having success with another IUI. And if that isn't a realistic option, what will it take to make the finances work for IVF?

If you want to know if it's truly time to stop, take a break for a few months and see how that makes you feel. If you can't stomach the thought of stopping even for that short amount of time, then you know you're not ready to stop trying.

You may want me to STFU because I have EJ, but you asked for opinions, and I think mine is still valid even though I'm a mother. I'm one of your biggest cheerleaders...I've seen you with your niece and nephew and I know you'd be a fantastic mom. I also don't want you to lose "you" in all of this and I'm sure your big guy would agree with me on that.

As I've said for months, I will keep out hope as long as you need it, but I will also support your decision if you go the other way.

Allison (Ali) said...

i think you are allowed to be bitter. i sure as hell know i am. we have been trying to grow our family for over 6 years and more than one couple we know have 2 kids now it sucks!

and i am with you on the being told i miss the real you or the old you. i just want to yell at people who say well get used to this me because this is who i am now.

i hope it gets better.

Tiffany said...

Big Hug! So sorry you're feeling so blue.

Hopeful34 said...

I have no words for your pain. I just wanted to let you know that i do read your blog and i do understand what it's like to not have people in your life that understands. Infertility sucks. It took us 4.5 years to have one positive preg test. I have thankfully not suffered a loss and i am sorry for yours. I really hope your dreams come true someday. i am praying they will. ((((Hugs))))

sjefferson said...

I don't know you personally, but I do follow your blog. I haven't expereienced the loss of babies like you have related to infertility, but I did experience infertility for 2 1/2 l-o-n-g years! I was like you, the only one without kids. I got really depressed and felt super you feel. People meant well, but their words were SO hurtful. "Just don't think about it." or "Just when you least expect it, it will happen." I wanted to say, "Go sell crazy some place else. We're all stocked up here!"

I just gave birth to our miracle baby in April. Anyway, I was actually hiking today (trying to shed some baby lbs.) and praying for the girls I know or whose blogs I follow who don't have babies yet...including you ironically. SO, all I want to say is that I know the pain of infertility. It cut me to the bone and I'm be forever changed. AND having my miracle doesn't stop me from thinking of those without. In fact, my joy also saddens me that others can't/don't know this joy. My dr. said the best thing to me about a friend of mine that was also his patient that lost her son by way of stillbirth. "Don't not call or stay in touch." So I haven't forgotten that pain. Your current pain. I'm praying!

Kim said...

I'm sure I'm one of those people you want to STFU because I haven't walked in your shoes and I have a child. But I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you are feeling so down and I pray you get some strength/answers/direction/comfort soon. I believe that everyone in life has a cross to bear and things they have to go thru that are hard. I'm sorry this is your battle and I pray it ends soon.

Kacey said...

I am here for you! I want to help you in anyway I can. I want so bad for it to be your turn. I pray for you and think of you often. The dr. I told you about was a God send for me. Anytime you want to talk give me a shout. Just that even though we don't talk regularly your on my mind! Our history is so similar. My balloon surgery took place 5 months before my prayer was answered through ivf assistance. My advice is to never give up on Gods promise unless He gives you a peace in your heart to do so.

Marsha said...

I know I have never walked in your shoes, but I have genuinely thought of and prayed for you throughout all of this. I hate it so much. I will continue to pray for you. And if you have another way that you would like for me to be there for you, you can count on it. Just tell me. Praying!!!

Janna said...

Oh how I've been where you are. When I was going through treatments I felt like my life was just sitting still while others were moving on along popping babies out left and right. My heart aches for you, and I pray for you often. It's hard not to lose yourself in the anger and grief, and I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. I know this road is not easy, and I pray that your prayers are answered soon. I hope that you are able to find support from those you know IRL and those online. No one deserves to endure this pain and heartache, but to feel like you're all alone is just so heartbreaking! You've always got me as your friend, cheerleader and hope-keeper! When you just can't think beyond today, I will be holding out hope that your prayers will be answered!!!

WiseGuy said...

You know, with my surprise pregnancy and all, I do not feel elevated...I feel 'unsure'.

I am so sorry that you have to be fighting the blues is so hard.

I have always wished you well, Kekis, and please know that it is true, even now.

Anonymous said...

It so hard when friends and family don't have a clue what you are going through. I am blessed that I have 1 friend IRL that has an inkling, and she has been a real support especially recently after my miscarriage. If it was not for her inquiring every other day I don't know how I would have coped. I'm sorry you don't have a friend like her, but you have us cyber buddies....

The Writer Chic said...

hurting with and for you. love you lots.

Juicy said...

I love you, my dear kekis. my heart is always holding you and hoping for all the good things you want and need. I think of you all the time, you are NOT alone.

Infertility? You can kiss my flat ass!!


hugs and kisses

Cathy said...

I know how you feel, I'm at exactly the same place.

Infertility, 2 losses, surgeries, failed IUI's and IVF's in the past 4 years. It's been super draining and I'm taking a break until I have a hysterscopy in September to see if I have scar tissue causing a problem. If that doesn't work, I might be done trying since surrogacy isn't really a good option for us.

Your post is exactly what I've been thinking and going through. <>

Lut C. said...

Hell hath no fury like a women scorned. I recognize the fury, and also the bitterness.

I hope your blog helps to vent, and to connect with people who do get it.

It takes courage to draw the line and quit treatments, it takes courage to continue.
Either way, I wish you the best.

(Arrived here from the Crème de la Crème list.)

Sara said...

You have every right to be angry. I hope things turn around for you soon.

(here from creme)

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