Not Holding My Breath

I'm not planning to do any look back at the year and plan for the year ahead.  If that's what you were looking for here, then you're pretty much screwed.  I'm really kinda sick of reading all of the blogs that are doing that because (if you've been reading) you know what has been happening in that person's life already.  Well, for my DH and me, 2010 pretty much sucked.  See?  You already knew that!  Between our ongoing battle with IF, losing my last living grandmother, losing our dog Mackey, and losing several friends . . . I'm glad 2010 is going away.  All I can do is hope and pray that 2011 is better than its predecessor.

Thanks to Yahoo, I can see a horoscope that looks at my year ahead.  Guess I'll come back to this a year from now to see how much crap it was came to fruition.  May you all receive many blessings in the year ahead!

kekis' 2011 (or not):

Don't stop believing, Pisces! This year is nothing short of miraculous, filled with all-things sublime. Take advantage of lucky Jupiter's final hurrah in your sign at the start of the year. If you've been procrastinating on turning your visions into a goldmine, January is your time to bust a serious move and catch the amazing non-stop momentum of 2011. There's no spacing out, hiding home or escaping from reality. Things are just too good to miss! Speaking of missing, don't miss the boat Pisces; Jupiter only enters your sign once every 12 years.
That said, you do have the auspicious advent of another awesome planetary boon when your planetary ruler, Neptune enters Pisces in April. For the next 14 years, your super-sensitivity and matchless compassion serve you well. You'll feel like you're in your own element rather than your usual fish out of water feeling. The world will join with you in feeling the suffering of the world. Your dreams and imaginative powers are nothing to be taken lightly. Divine messages, synchronicity and channeling the gods become a daily experience between April and August, and then again in 2012 to stay.

Despite your consistent protesting over the ills of materialism and that money is the root of all evil -- you may be seriously changing your tune as money seems to be falling from the sky this spring. With six planets lining up in your money sector on May 1, it's time to make some serious bank -- ready or not.

Article Comparing IF to Other Diseases

Has anyone read the article titled, "What Women with Infertility, Cancer, HIV, and Chronic Pain Have in Common - And Why Few Understand It?

Yes, I'm infertile but don't consider myself a "survivor." Doesn't a survivor have to make it to the other side to be considered such? Either way, I've heard the IF to cancer comparison and don't care for it. My grandmother lost her 32 year (yes, 32 YEAR) battle with cancer in March of 2009.  Three other friends lost their battles with cancer just this year.  I would never compare their battles to my battle with infertility.

I guess the comparison rubs me the wrong way because - really - who wants any of it?  It's doubtful that there are lines of people waiting to sign up for cancer, infertility, HIV, AIDS, chronic pain, or any other disease. It's not that I have a better term than survivor, but I just don't like it. While my battle will not lead to the death of my physical self, it may be the death of my spirit and dreams.  But still . . .

Read the article, including the comments, and come back here. I'd like to hear what you all think.

Still Crazy

I can't handle listening to Christmas carols right now because I'm jealous of the Virgin Mary.  Yes, you heard me.  I'm jealous of the freaking Virgin Mary.  I mean . . . she got a baby, why don't I?

Certifiably insane now!

Blondes Needed

DH was watching one of his (boring) political morning shows yesterday just before 10am. Because I wanted to spend some time with him, I made us some breakfast and was "watching" the show too.  However, I quickly became thoroughly confused when the timestamp on the show's crawler showed 9:10 and I KNEW that it was almost 10am.  I checked the clock, checked the TV, and repeated that a few times.  Then I told DH that the TV network had their time wrong!  Without rolling his eyes too much  Without laughing at me  Without calling me a dingbat DH politely reminded me that the show was playing from the DVR. 

Oops!

My response?  "Well, however we decide to have children, we need at least one that is a true blonde.  I'm gonna need some help around here!"

Still Here

I am still here - mainly on two feet, but sometimes crawling or in the fetal position - but I'm still here.  I'm mad, but I'm mostly just really sad.  After Friday's dismal appointment with Dr. S, I've fallen apart and gotten myself back together again.  I survived the third anniversary of my first EDD.  That three year old we should have is not here.  It never will be and another may never be.  We don't know that yet, but it really feels that way.

We've been dealt a hand that absolutely sucks.  It will be a complete miracle if we are able to have a biological child using my eggs.  I'll share more with you later as I'm able, but right now I'm processing everything that has happened (on my own, with DH, and with an awesome new therapist) and trying to figure out how to abandon my old dream and create new.

I will admit that I have spent time on this blog making sure that my readers enjoy what I say.  Right now, this blog will be about me and only me.  It probably won't be "entertaining" (as if it ever was), but that is what I need right now.  At this point, I simply have nothing to give anyone but myself and my husband.

Thanks for all the kind comments, emails, calls, texts, and messages from everyone near & far.  I've heard from family, friends, blog peeps, online buddies, and complete strangers.  Your words have meant a lot to me.  I know that I will be okay and my marriage will be okay, but life as I planned and dreamed it may become very different.  I am just hoping and praying that it is a different that can still create and hold love, joy, fulfillment, and happiness for both of us.

Done.

There isn't much else I can say about it.  I'm devastated.

Don't Stick a Fork in Me

I am DONE, but please don't stick a fork in me.  I will pop like a bigass balloon if you do.  That's what I look like and feel like.  Yep, I'm officially uncomfortable from all of the bloating, cramping, backaches, pinching & such.

With a handy little calculator, I figured out that in the past eleven days, I've had over 5000 units of Gonal-F,  825 units of Menopur, 2500 mcg of Ganirelix, and a smathering of E2V, BCPs, Lupron, PNVs, b/a, f/a, Omega 3s, and CoQ10s.  I'm heavily medicated and none of it is the "good stuff."

My appointment tomorrow should tell more.  Either my two crappy little follies will still be trying to take over (and ruin) my world, or they will have been joined (hopefully by many others).  I'm not really excited about it at all and expect the worst.  If for some reason it works out, I'll be amazed by the miracle of it all because that's what it will be.

Battle Wounds

I texted this photo to my sister earlier this evening.   This piece is aptly titled, "Part of My Pretty Stomach."

I just laughed when my sister said, "Well, whoever did that to you did it WRONG."  Uhhh . . . yeah.  I did it to myself.  :)  Although it looks big in the pic, the main bruise in the center is really only the size of a quarter.  It's the worst one I have right now, and I think it looks kinda cool.  I'm all about the battle wounds.  Just wish the battle meant a baby would follow someday soon.

Ssshhhhh

I'm trying to stay fairly quiet.  There is a lot brewing inside of me right now.  I know that once I finally let loose, all of my emotions will spill out and possibly (okay, almost definitely) unleash a wrath on anything/anyone in the path.  Teaching children and the pressures of school make this somewhat extremely difficult.  Pretty much everything I'm doing feels difficult.  My cursing aloud has mutliplied because I know I'm just really pissed right now.  I'm also really sad, but I won't go there.  I'm the person who once I start cry, I don't stop.  There are some new rivers to be made here in Texas soon.

Granted, my appointment on Friday could go delightfully well but - HA!! - who am I kidding?  Therefore, my plan is to lose my shit this weekend.  Just wish I had some kind of a sound-proof, padded cell in which to lose said shit.  I'll at least need to find a safe place for DH.  Do they offer shelters by the hour for men with crazyass wives?  You know . . . kinda like a no-tell motel that you pay for by the hour?  Poor guy - he'll probably need one.

Until then, I'm quiet.