Shopping Day!

Today was the big day - DH and I went shopping for baby stuff - for OUR baby!  :)  He was naturally thrilled as you can only imagine.  Nothing like a 6'3" dude with a deep voice in a baby store.  haha!

Thankfully, my friend Jenn was available to pop my cherry working today and gave us a tour of stuff.  After we left her store, we went to two others only to find that baby stuff is baby stuff is baby stuff.  You can follow me on Pinterest if you want to see the plethora of baby I've found thus far!

Here are our front runners thus far:

Crib by Munire

Dresser (also by Munire) - will add hutch and use as changing table

Chest (also from Munire collection)

Pack-n-Play by Chicco w/ bassinet & changer

Travel System by Chicco

Thanks to a very generous "down payment" (gift) for our nursery from you know who you are because I know you're reading this!!!!  :), we are going to purchase the crib, travel system & PNP for now.  Other furniture pieces and baby gear and BABY to follow!  I love putting this cart before the horse!

Oh, Santa . . .

Look at what Santa is putting in DH's stocking this year!

Santa wasn't sure whether he should get blue or pink, so he got both.  :)    Santa is AWESOME!

Baby Stuff

I'm all over a good deal.  When I saw these, I had to oblige myself our future child.

Seven Slings had a promo code to get this for free and only pay shipping & handling.  Why not?!

It also came with that cute pair of striped baby legs!

I also ordered this cute set from Car Seat Canopy using another promo code, paying only $35 + s/h for the "whole caboodle."

I'm not paid to share these companies, but I like their products and wanted to share them with you.

Friends

In the past five years, I have made many online and IRL friends through online forums while planning our wedding, dealing with RPL, and battling IF.  Many of you are reading this right now and we have never met before.  However, I've made many wonderful, new friends in the past handful of years.

One of my newest friends is Jenn.  I met her through kimarino, who I met online years ago during RPL and IF.  While I've never met kimarino IRL, Jenn recently moved to Texas and we've had the chance to meet and develop a friendship. The first time we met, it was for a drug deal.  :)  Thankfully, I was able to give Jenn the leftover meds that my crusty eggs and bum ute wouldn't ever need again.   I hated for them to go to waste and was glad I found someone who needed them.

Usually when I meet complete strangers, I'm a bit nervous beforehand.  However, I was so excited to meet Jenn and we sat and ate and drank and chatted like old friends.  It was awesome.  We are so much alike - for those of you that know me personally, no comments please.  :)  As I walked in to the restaurant, I was greeted by my new friend bearing a bag full of this for me:

Isn't it awesome???  Our baby has a toy, a sleep sack (so cute!), some diapers, and wipies now!  Other than an outfit our friends gave us when we first found out we were pregnant, this is the first baby-related gift I've been given that didn't make me cry.  I can't begin to tell you how exciting it was!  So not only does our baby have some cool stuff now, but I have made a wonderful friend which is even better.  Love you Jenn!

A New Side

As we are embarking upon adoption, I am seeing a new side of my husband that I've never seen before.  It's hard to explain.  My husband is very tender-hearted and sensitive but not overly demonstrative (even with me at times) with his feelings. You kind of have to know him to understand what I mean.  I'm quite the opposite.

However, he's changing now.  For example, him giving me a baby's room book that he'd bought a few years ago.  The things he's shared about becoming a parent.  Finding a baby puzzle on his amazon wishlist.  His feelings about me that have been shared with complete strangers.  Sharing his concerns about doing this and doing it "right." Describing his feelings and thoughts about parenting, knowing that he's actually thought of it.  The looks of fear/excitement/joy/apprehension in his eyes.  And then last night, I go in to his office and he's shopping online for baby stuff and researching it all for safety.  :)

Even though he can frustrate the crap out of me, I am so in love with my husband and I know that's just going to grow.  I just can't wait to see him as a Daddy.  He's going to be amazing.  It's going to be so hard but so rewarding.  Wow . . .

Coming to you . . .

LIVE!!!!  The home study went just fine - we were on our best behavior as were the dogs.  The house was clean and my OCD/panic nature was quelled.  The SW told us before she left that she would have our official report completed before Christmas but would call the agency and let them know "there are no concerns and you are ready to be shown."  SQQQUUUUEEEEE!  (That's me making that sound that I can't stand.)

What's next?  We WAIT.

No problem.  We're good at that.  We've been waiting for almost five years, so we can wait a bit longer for OUR BABY.  No matter the wait, we are going to be parents!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW.

Thanks for all of the comments, love, emails, prayers, messages, etc.  They mean the world.  xox

Twas the Night Before Home Study

Twas the night before home study,
And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring
Especially my spouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that come next year another would be there.

The dogs were all snoring on couches and beds
While visions of destroying throw pillows danced in their heads.

With Pa looking at every single page of every damn catalog he could possibly find and his office a fire hazardous freaking disaster and his clean laundry on the dining room table and boxes out for no reason and stuff all over the kids' bathroom and papers everywhere and his shoes on the bed and piles of stuff all over and his paperwork not copied and ready I'm sure and . . . I digress . . .

With Pa hanging out and I very stressed,
There's no time for sleep, I'll just need to stay dressed.

When out from the house did not arise any clatter
Other than me running 'round sighing like nothing was the matter.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a half-dressed husband getting himself a beer.

(Fine, it was a piece of chocolate & a nightcap not beer
I'm trying real hard to be poetic here.)

Away through the house I ran like a flash
Cleaning like a mad woman on a twenty-mile dash.

I sighed more and mumbled as I called him a name
Wishing he wasn't a male and driving me insane.

The house doesn't have to be perfect but give me a break
I'm going to take all his crap and burn it at the stake.

If xanax does the trick and helps me sleep like the dead
I can clean even more in the morning and not lose my damn head.

For tomorrow comes a home study with interviews out the ass
I just hope everything goes smoothly and that we pass.

And I heard myself exclaim as I lay down for the night,
"Clean yourself, house, please clean yourself right!"

T -72

In less than 72 hours, the social worker will be here for our home study.  Please keep us in your thoughts and your prayers on Saturday at 3:00pm CST while we lie our asses off (Who am I kidding?  Our references did that!)  while we show off our home and prove that we will be excellent parents to a baby!

EEEKKKK!!!  SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pardon me while I rush off to clean and organize and nest and . . . . . . . .

How did you know?

:: taps microphone::  Is anyone even reading this thing anymore??  Let me know you're out there if you are!
Someone posted a question on an adoption forum that I read asking, "At what point did you decide enough was enough?"  It took me an instant to respond.  Here is what I said:

"We tried for over four years to get pg. After three m/c, thousands upon thousands of dollars, six medicated cycles, three failed IUIs and one failed IVF, my body and my heart told me we were done. (gave her link to this blog for background) I had to deal with the grief that I will never carry and deliver a child because that is a biological need I have always felt. Honestly, I was not interested in even discussing adoption for a very long time while DH was ready from the beginning.

However, I now feel this amazing sense of hope and feel more than elated and comfortable that we ARE going to be parents. The biological aspect is such a minute part of what truly makes a family. When/if I lurk on the IF forums/boards, I often think about these poor girls that are so stressed out and putting their bodies and hearts through so much while I'm so excited about being a mommy!  I've even started shopping for baby stuff and can look at baby stuff without breaking into an emotional mess.

So . . . you may or may not just "know" when you're ready.  After our last cycle failed and I knew a bio child would not happen, I found a counselor through RESOLVE. I only met with her a couple of times, but all I needed to was to talk to someone who truly understood. Then, I was able to move forward.

Hope that doesn't all sound like a rambling mess, but I know in my heart and have faith that we will be parents soon and God has an amazing future for us and our family.  GL to you!"

Could we have tried IVF again?  Probably not.  I was on the strongest protocol available (i.e., most amount of medication one can take), and I didn't even produce one viable egg for retrieval.

Could we have gone with donor eggs?  Probably.  It was recommended by the RE.

So . . . why didn't we go with DE? I got to the point that I couldn't trust my body (still can't/don't). It hasn't worked for me time and time again, so I found it stupid to spend all that money and put all of my hope into something that my past history had shown probably wouldn't work. Now knowing what I know about my jacked (and soon to be removed) bum ute, I am so thankful that we didn't even make the attempt.

Don't know if I ever really discussed here as what got us to "that point" - the end of our TTC road. Feel free to ask me any questions that you have though.

Victor Maitland

I have a Victor Maitland.

See it?  Do you???  THAT, my friends, is the "Victor Maitland."  Freaking hormones breaking out my face like a teenager and/or Victor Maitland.  (In case you don't know recognize the name, it is from a character in the movie "Beverly Hills Cop.")

They're Here!

Our profile books arrived today!  We are getting closer & closer to becoming parents.  I cannot wait to meet our baby!!!!!!!!

Name That Baby

Last night as DH and I were ready to go to sleep, we started talking about baby names.  I told him that we need to get some ideas together since we have no idea when our baby will come to us.

He is still saying that "Peristalsis Cleopatra Phoenix" is his girl name.  I could kill him even though I know he's joking, so I'm playing along with huge, hearty laughs for now.  Before falling asleep, I had DH yell her name.  From the bedroom DH's deep booming voice calls, "Peristalsis Cleopatra Phoenix _______ (last name), get in here!!!!!"  I almost pissed my pants.  I told him that name didn't work for me.  (Thank goodness.)

Then I had him call for my (fake) boy name, "Nebuchadnezzar Pertussis ______ (last name), hey NEBY, get in here!"  Crazyass thought it was cute.  I won't kill him in his sleep.  Then he calls, "Robitussin!"  Dear Lord in Heaven . . .

So, what have we gained from our second ever baby naming discussion?  This Mommy-to-be leans more towards the traditional while Daddy-to-be leans more towards non-traditional.  Being that both of us are educators, this could be a difficult process.

I have a solution - let me name our children.  Problem solved!  :)

Isn't It Ironic?

On my way home from work today, I stopped by an estate sale in my neighborhood.  As I entered the almost emptied-out home, standing before me was a HUGELY pregnant woman and her husband.  Like any good infertile would do, I walked the opposite direction.  Little did I know we would connect around the wall!

So, like any good infertile would do again, I tried to get around the very pregnant woman as she and her husband talked about "baby Benjamin" and how he really didn't need any free weights since they had some at the house.  Upon my pending escape before I vomited in my mouth a little, I found myself practically slammed against a wall where TWO books lay on a table.  This was on top:

I grabbed it and ran out of there, paying my $0.50 along the way.  Isn't it ironic?  I really do think . . .

Like Old Home Week

I had my annual appointment with Dr. Terrific today, and it was like going home after a long time away.  Crazy enough, it was good to see everyone.  It had been so long!  Dr. T and Nurse Excellent were there but Nurse Amazing had the day off.  I'm sure she'll be sad she missed us (me & my ute).  Dr. T was his typical goofy self, talking half the time in some bastardized version of English/Irish he made up on the fly.  You just learn not to ask . . .  :)

I went in with my typical barrage of questions and concerns and need for Rx refills, and as always, everything was addressed.  My main concern was that my periods have become almost unbearable since our failed IVF.  Because you know I love TMI, my periods have lasted a week with massive bleeding and clotting and hellish cramps.  A super plus tampon is lucky to survive two hours during the three-day heavy part of my cycle.

Therefore, we are looking at a hysterectomy.  Since the Englishman doctor knows I don't need my uterus anymore, it's a good option because things will only get worse from here.  I'm doing my research, but a laparoscopic hysterectomy is most likely going to be the best solution.  A full hysterectomy that takes my uterus and ovaries but leaves the cervix intact.  Done by Dr. T and maybe a robot (who better not be English or Irish!).  And I'm okay with it.  Get rid of the bad shit and avoid ovarian cancer while rubbing on hormone cream or wearing a patch to get me fixed..  Considering my hormones are out of whack, why not?

I just thought this pic was great & wanted to include it!

After a short time with the "dick stick", aka vaginal u/s, it was determined that my bum ute is dealing with adenomyosis, endometriosis, and more fibroids.  (God bless America, don't look at the fibroid pics on that link. Gag!)  Dr. Terrific, in his worst accent of course, said, "By God, get that bloody piece of crap out 'a there!"  Geez - crazy dude.


Because of these issues, an endometrial ablation is probably not the best answer for me.  DH and I are talking about the best option for me/us and we'll make a decision soon, even though I think our decision is made.  It's just a timing issue at this point and I'll probably need to look at paying for more effing medical costs again.  (Poor baby might now get new nursery furniture - ha!)

But don't worry my dear followers and loves . . . my barren uterus will be more than barren, but it will continue here to ramble on and on and on.  You know, I'm gonna be a Mommy someday!  Woohoo!