Shouldn't Be an Issue!

Holy Mother of God . . . This shouldn't be so difficult.  AF is still AWOL.  This should be simple: 28 days, bitch arrives, repeat.  This is truly basic body stuff here.

Instead, I'm spending every waking and sleeping hour miserable with a huge distended stomach and no AF in sight.  To add insult to injury, of course there is no BFP (and you know me, I've been peeing all over stuff).  The only positive is that my skin looks half-decent for the first time in years.

Where are you, ya red-headed slut?  You always show up - why not NOW?  Headed to the doctor on Monday if she doesn't show her ass up by then.  THIS IS SO STUPID.

What do you say?

I saw this reposted today on my IF online forum & wanted to share.  It's not meant to offend but to offer perspective.


So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever – unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.

Rambler's Note: Going private in several days.  Let me know if you want to know the secret knock.  :)

Quote for Strength

"Anyone can give up, it is the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength."

It's A Sing Along!

Cue the tune of "Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone" . . . warm up your voices . . . hhhmmmmmmm . . .

Oh where, Oh where
Has my lil' AF gone?
Oh where, oh where can she be?

With her red-headed slut face
And her evil ways
Oh where, oh where can she be?

The evil red-headed slut is four days late without a BFP in sight.  As I told DH (before I peed on my second stick), "What kind of a sick joke is this?"

See?  You'll miss out on such delightful singing time if you don't let me know you'd like access to my ramblings when I go private at the end of the month!  Several of you have asked if it's okay that we don't "know" one another.  I think those are the best people out there!  Make sure you send me your request, and hang on for the ride.  It could get bumpy.

It's That Time

I'm going into the land of privacy for awhile.  I absolutely HATE blogs that are private, but I need to take my mind and thoughts on the road for a while.  Fear not, fine followers, for I shall return into the land of public ramblings in a very short time.

Until then . . . I'm saving my ramblings as drafts until I go public.  Let me know if you want to be a part of the exodus change for now.  Share your address with me or email me at kekis26 at gmail dot com.

You have less than ten days, my loves.  I'll be back in the world of public consumption soon, but I need to get some things out with the people who are nosy really give a crap.  Hope you're around for the long haul.  We could be cruising for a long time or slamming headass into a wall going a bajillion miles an hour.  Join me!

As we say in Texas, "Love ALL Y'ALL!"

Please Don't Disturb

Struggling

Psalms 40:1-3, "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."

Assignment #1

The first assignment for my e-class was to give a voice to our story.  One thing that was said in our assignment instructions was that "most people don't want to hear about the children you don't have and how you miss them."  How true that is.  None of this makes any sense to someone who hasn't experienced PL or IF, but I'm giving a voice to my story on this blog and continue to do so even further in my e-class.

Here are some of the points that I included in addition to some background (a timeline of sorts) and other feelings.

"I feel like a failure, a baby killer, and that I’ve let everyone down."

". . . counseling from a complete moron of a counselor who told me I 'cry too much.'  I then become a crybaby with a temper."

"All of DH’s numbers look amazing, so I’m obviously the problem here. I continue to feel like a complete failure. This is so unfair."

"Present – Still here with an empty bank account, barren uterus and tired, broken heart. On cycle #42 and don’t have any idea how I got here or why I am going through this."

"I continue to blog, but . . . There are times I don't verbalize my thoughts and feelings because it's not worth someone in my life getting pissed off or upset by what I've said.  Those thoughts I just keep to myself and deal with on my own."

"I feel so alone . . . I still wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of everyone else. Now that I need others to take care of me, either nobody wants to or knows how to help me. They are all too busy with their own families to remember their barren friend. I look in the mirror and don’t even know who the person looking back at me is anymore. I hate IF. I’m sad, lonely, bitter, and pissed off in general. How I continue to go on is beyond me."

"On the horizon - I have an (upcoming) appointment with IVF specialist. Don’t know how we’ll pay for IVF since we are both teachers & have no IF coverage, but where there’s a will there’s a way. Just hoping and praying it will happen because I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I REFUSE to give up, but really . . . how much more do I have to endure? It shouldn’t be this difficult.?"

Infertility E-Class

I joined my first Infertility E-Class (through Lily @ The Infertile Mind) which starts this week.  It's a closed group of about 75 women, who are asked to participate as they feel led.  As with any public forum, there will some who speak out more than others and those who lurk.  Either way, I hope that everyone involved gets the opportunity to learn, help others, and (most importantly) help themselves.  We will have lessons to complete and posts to share on the forum.  I'm sure I will be sharing some of my learnings, but I will not share direct information of others in the class.  Here is what I posted in my introduction:

I am really looking forward to it and connecting with even more people in the IF world. When I had my miscarriages, I learned that pregnancy loss is a secret sorority. Now that I'm battling IF after RPL, I'm learning there is another secret group out there. Nobody wears a pin or a badge on the outside, but after you've shared your membership aloud, you learn there are many, many others with an unwanted membership to the secret sororities in which we find ourselves.


I am over three and a half years now into TTC without luck. It has broken me down into a person I barely know. While it's taken me a long time to get to know this new me, I'm slowly getting used to who she is while missing my old self. I don't experience joy as I used to, and my mind is filled with self-doubt, fear, and despair. So many people tell me that I am so strong and have handled all of this so well, but I am dying inside. Being strong is SUCH hard work, and I'm worn out. It is all I can do each and every day to step forward into the world without adding another crack to my brokenness.

I am hoping that this class can help me deal with my life as it is, give me another outlet for my thoughts and feelings, put words to this new person I have become, reaffirm that I am not alone, and assist me in continuing on this path.

We May Be Breaking Up

Oh, Fertility Friend, how you mock me so.  I'm not even sure why I hang with you anymore.  You're obviously of no help to me.  With all of your mockery, teasing, and torture, maybe I should start calling you "Fertility Enemy."  They say that breaking up is hard to do, but I'm beginning to think otherwise.  Bitch.