Did you know . . .

. . . that on my mobile phone the K key also functions as a : (colon) and the U key also functions as a ) (closed parenthesis)? K = : and U = )

Why is this interesting, you ask?

Because KU = :)


Get it now?

ETA - I am not KU.

Still Here

I'm still alive but have been sick as a dog. I laid around all last weekend because I felt something "coming on", but I didn't know what it was. By Tuesday, I left school and headed to the doctor. Severe bronchitis - and it's taking forever to go away. So much so, that I've been going home and ordered to bed by DH each evening. I'm CD4 and looking forward to him "ordering me to bed" in the upcoming days! But I digress . . .

I'm heavily debating about some things right now, so I'm not sure what exactly I'll be posting about our TTC journey in the near future. I love having so many people read our blog, but I also have become much more private in our journey that I have ever been as a person before. DH is a very private person while I am not at all. If/when we get pg again, I'll want to respect his wishes and maintain some privacy and secrecy until we know the viability of the pregnancy. If/when we ever get a bfp, very few people will know (including family, friends, and all of my dear readers).

We are also experiencing lots of stress at work and family illnesses. My birthday is next week, and the TTC pressure of age (and probably some senility already kicking in!) don't help. At least we have our two-year anniversary and spring break to keep us going for now. After that, we'll just have to hang on for dear life until summer vacation.

Hopefully we'll be cleaning out the 2nd guest room to start on a nursery then . . .

I know I'm rambling, but that's what I do.

My Interview

Shanny sent me some interview questions, and here are my responses:

1- Was there anything you learned about your hubby after you had been dating for a while that surprised you? That he was still legally married. :) His divorce was in process when we met, and it was not finalized until we'd been together for about 5 weeks.

2- What came first: the chicken or the egg? Since God created Heaven and Earth, I'll have to say the chicken. Honestly, that question still really baffles me though.

3- What grade, kindergarden through college, was your favorite? I'd have to say 3rd grade. My VERY favorite teacher was Miss Quick, and I cried so much the last day of school that I wouldn't leave the classroom.

4- What is your worst bad habit? One? It could be one of these: sleeping with a ton of pillows, cracking my bones, clicking my fingernails, cursing, being anal/OCD, or one of many others I'm sure.

5- Hiking up a mountain or laying on the beach? BEACH! I'm scared of heights and would rather lay on the beach surrounded by lots of drinks. Reminds me of our honeymoon!



If YOU would like to play along here are the directions:

1. Leave me a comment & your e-mail address saying, "Interview me." If you dare.

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions. The first five 'askers' get the interview!

Sigh . . .

I'm just feeling down. Sad. Left behind. Alone. Fearful. Jealous. Empty. Isolated. Lonely.

Even though I have a wonderful DH and more friends than any person should be so blessed to have, I feel like everyone has their own family and I've been left behind. Again.

All I seem to hear about is everyone's children and everyone's pregnancies and their friends' children and their friends' pregnancies and so on and so on. How much do I have to hear? The comments don't feed into my jealousy. They feel like additional stabs to my heart and compound my feelings of sadness. Mostly, it just adds to my feelings of loss.

I told DH tonight that our goal for next month is to get pregnant. I'll be 41 in a couple of weeks, and I know time is not on our side. I mean, hell, we've been pregnant the past two Marches, so why break that track record? We've been doing this TTC crap for two years now. I'm terrified.

I'm terrified that we won't get pg.
I'm terrified that we will get pg.
I'm terrified that we'll have another m/c.
I'm terrified that we'll have a late loss.
I'm terrified that we'll have to deliver still.

I'm just scared. Most of all, I'm scared we will never have a family. And I just can't shake it. With every day that passes, with every prayer that leaves me, I fear that it just won't happen. The rest of the world is deserving of children. Why not us? I can't let my fears paralyze me, but I'm really worried that my gut will prove to be right yet again.

Pity party for one, please.

Boys are Funny

Well, DH is back in town. He's trying to make up for lost time, if you know what I mean (wink, wink). Last night, as he tried to lure me in to the bedroom, he said in his deep voice, "Come, let me inseminate you." Words every woman wants to hear, huh?

That's when I told him that he would not be able to inseminate me, but I would join him in the bedroom. DH questioningly replied, "Oh, is it not that time?" Guess he thought EVERY day is good for insemination. NOPE!

We had a brief educational moment at that point. He knows he'll never be allowed to leave town during O week again. :) Funny boys . . . they have so much to learn!

So Here I Sit

Ovulating. By myself. How frustrating.

I'm glad DH is dealing with his batcrazy mother now because when he knocks me up soon, he won't be going anywhere without me. :)

My Blog is Broken

I'm missing gadgets & stuff on my blog!!! About half of the bottom, right-hand column is gone. So are my footers. It all shows up when I check my layout, but when I open my little blog, it's gone. You probably didn't even notice . . . especially if you're in GR.

I'll let it drive me insane later. For now, I shall go to bed. Of course, after I move the cat and the dog.

ETA: It somehow fixed itself - which is great - because nothing I tried worked!

On the Edge

Remember yesterday when I wondered at what point I would lose it? Well, I'm getting closer.

DH is going out of town on Friday to deal with his batcrazy mother. He'll be gone almost a week. I understand that it is imperative that he go and take care of things. This will hopefully alleviate some issues and provide her a safe place.

Why would you think that might send me over the edge? At first I thought, "Gosh, I HATE being alone in the house, especially at night." Then I thought, "Well, maybe I can really get some cleaning done and focus on relaxing." I then smiled a bit and decided that I don't have to go to the grocery store until this weekend now. After that I wondered, "Will he be here for Valentine's Day? And what about when our new furniture gets delivered and AT&T comes to install our new stuff?"

And that's when it hit me. He'll be gone almost a week. The week that I will ovulate. We won't be getting pregnant this month. We have one more month to get pg in order to have a baby in 2009. March is the same month we got pregnant - on our honeymoon. We had our first BFP almost two years ago. We lost our first angel almost two years ago.

I somehow made it through my staff meeting after school without crying. I did shed one tear but somehow was able to stop myself. That is, until I got into the car. Surprisingly, I didn't lose it. I cried, but I'm just so exasperated that it didn't get into a bad melt down. (Can you say progress?) I can't even tell DH. I don't want him to feel bad or further stressed or pressured.

Time to double my Prozac for real now. Guess I have another month to enjoy its effects.

At what point?

So at what point do I lose my shit?

Things are really "difficult" right now. Okay . . . they are really hard. Really tough. Extremely wearing. What's going on you ask? Hold on tight.

1. DH and his brother are dealing with a bunch of stuff with their mother (my MIL). I won't go into it all because I'm trying to respect the privacy of others, but let's just say that she is beyond the point of crazy & repair, and it is taking a complete toll on my BIL and (worst of all) my husband. There is nothing I can do to fix it. I feel completely helpless, and I feel like I am losing my husband. This is the core of our stress at home. There is more that involves the upkeep of our home, having a relationship, taking care of stuff & all, but that is taking a back burner to my batcrazy MIL. Most of all, I worry about my husband. This is incredibly difficult on him. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it.

2. My grandmother is dying - and slowly at that. She has been battling cancer for 29 years, and the cancer is starting to win. She is on 90mg morphine in the morning and 90mg at night with breakthrough meds (sublingual morphine rocks) during the day. The fact that she's walking around the house "getting things done" (according to her) is absolutely beyond me.

3. My mother's husband (Rick) is still undergoing testing to figure out what is causing his health problems. He was in the ICU before Christmas, and is still dealing with health issues. I feel like he will be okay physically, but since he is not working, I worry about my mother and the stress I know she feels trying to keep things afloat. I'm worried she'll work herself into the ground. That's her nature, and after her open heart surgery in August, she needs to take care of herself.

4. My stepmother is having major neck surgery on Friday. Her doctor sounds to be more than competent, but I know it will be a long recovery process. I worry about my Dad taking care of her (though he is good, the man cannot cook!) and her recovery.

5. The sadness of Kaden losing his battle and Sarah & Jamie's birthmother bailing out makes me so sad. It also creates a sense of fear that makes moving forward difficult. Life gives it and takes it away.

6. School is extremely stressful for both of The Ramblers this time of year. TAKS (the Texas Assessment of Knowlege and Skills), the Texas standardized testing, is upon us which requires above and beyond time, teaching, love, patience, and more time than usual. The expectations of our students is high. The pressure of TAKS, student success, reports, meetings, tutoring, discipline, and just trying to do the basics of our jobs is completely overwhelming right now. We don't get paid enough for this.

7. After going through taxes, I have figured out that I somehow owe the government money. How a woman that is a teacher who spent more than 10% of her annual salary on medical bills owes the IRS, I do not know. I am suffering financially due to the stress of daily/monthly expenses, medical bills, student loans, one credit card, and just plain trying to survive.

8. I miss so many of my friends. I am blessed to be a person surrounded by so many friends and loved ones. This whole RPL/IF business has taken a major toll on the relationships I have with others. I miss that, and I often don't know how (or if) I can get it back to where it was.

9. Everyone is pregnant. No, seriously - EVERYone. Whether they conceived without assistance,-had a succesful AI - med cycles, IUI. IVF - they are pregnant & staying that way. I am so very thrilled for them all because I've prayed for their happiness & success, yet I'm also feeling very left behind.

10. Oh yeah in case you didn't know: We are trying to get pregnant and actually have a baby. Only been doing that for a couple of years now. No thanks to the life/crap that is innundating us, we need to work Plan A. I try not to worry about it, but if we don't get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in the next two months, we will not have a baby in 2009. Don't know how/if I can handle that.

It is so overwhelming and inundating. No stress ......................... Lord, hear our prayers. I have been crying to the Heavens through your angels. Please bless us with a viable pregnancy that results in a healthy pregnancy that delivers a healthy baby to term. While that seems like a huge & almost insurmountable task to us, we pray that God can hear our cries and answer our prayers. I know I am imperfect and I beg for your forgiveness. Please bless us with one of your angels that we can raise here on Earth in your image and love.

While there are others, these are only the issues at the forefront of my mind. tonight Your love, prayers, and good thoughts are appreciated. Not just for us, but prayers are desired for all those who need it.

Pray for Kaden

Many of us have been praying for Kaden Pauli for a few years now. Sadly, Kaden lost his battle to brain cancer this morning.

While I never met Kaden or his parents, his aunt is a friend of my sister. Please pray for his family and friends as they grieve the loss of such a young life. I know they are grieving and only time can ease their pain.