I'm just feeling down. Sad. Left behind. Alone. Fearful. Jealous. Empty. Isolated. Lonely.
Even though I have a wonderful DH and more friends than any person should be so blessed to have, I feel like everyone has their own family and I've been left behind. Again.
All I seem to hear about is everyone's children and everyone's pregnancies and their friends' children and their friends' pregnancies and so on and so on. How much do I have to hear? The comments don't feed into my jealousy. They feel like additional stabs to my heart and compound my feelings of sadness. Mostly, it just adds to my feelings of loss.
I told DH tonight that our goal for next month is to get pregnant. I'll be 41 in a couple of weeks, and I know time is not on our side. I mean, hell, we've been pregnant the past two Marches, so why break that track record? We've been doing this TTC crap for two years now. I'm terrified.
I'm terrified that we won't get pg.
I'm terrified that we will get pg.
I'm terrified that we'll have another m/c.
I'm terrified that we'll have a late loss.
I'm terrified that we'll have to deliver still.
I'm just scared. Most of all, I'm scared we will never have a family. And I just can't shake it. With every day that passes, with every prayer that leaves me, I fear that it just won't happen. The rest of the world is deserving of children. Why not us? I can't let my fears paralyze me, but I'm really worried that my gut will prove to be right yet again.
Pity party for one, please.