I'm just feeling down. Sad. Left behind. Alone. Fearful. Jealous. Empty. Isolated. Lonely.
Even though I have a wonderful DH and more friends than any person should be so blessed to have, I feel like everyone has their own family and I've been left behind. Again.
All I seem to hear about is everyone's children and everyone's pregnancies and their friends' children and their friends' pregnancies and so on and so on. How much do I have to hear? The comments don't feed into my jealousy. They feel like additional stabs to my heart and compound my feelings of sadness. Mostly, it just adds to my feelings of loss.
I told DH tonight that our goal for next month is to get pregnant. I'll be 41 in a couple of weeks, and I know time is not on our side. I mean, hell, we've been pregnant the past two Marches, so why break that track record? We've been doing this TTC crap for two years now. I'm terrified.
I'm terrified that we won't get pg.
I'm terrified that we will get pg.
I'm terrified that we'll have another m/c.
I'm terrified that we'll have a late loss.
I'm terrified that we'll have to deliver still.
I'm just scared. Most of all, I'm scared we will never have a family. And I just can't shake it. With every day that passes, with every prayer that leaves me, I fear that it just won't happen. The rest of the world is deserving of children. Why not us? I can't let my fears paralyze me, but I'm really worried that my gut will prove to be right yet again.
Pity party for one, please.
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6 comments:
I don't have any answers or any words. . . I just wanted to say that you're entiteld to your pitty party. I'm just so sorry that you have to have it. You have every right to be terrified and exhausted and everything else. ((Hugs)) sweetie.
All I can offer you is my support and prayers for a wonderful future blessed with a healthy baby. I don't know what else to say because I know nothing else can really help you feel better. You have all the right to feel the way that you do: sad, terrified, lonely, jealous and more, BUT I have faith that your time will come. Big big hug.
I don't have any remarkable words or anything. Just wanted to remind you that you ARE deserving. I hate to see you hurting like this...
:::BIG HUGS::: I hate that you aren't pregnant yet. And will be saying a few extra prayers for you tonight!!!
I don't know if you'll even see this because I'm posting it so late. I just want to tell you that I think of you DAILY and say a prayer for you. I'm always here but don't want to force myself on ya. I emailed you in a flood of self pity that night and you responded in a flash. Just know someone in FL is thinking of you everyday and is here for you!
SING IT SISTER.
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