So at what point do I lose my shit?
Things are really "difficult" right now. Okay . . . they are really hard. Really tough. Extremely wearing. What's going on you ask? Hold on tight.
1. DH and his brother are dealing with a bunch of stuff with their mother (my MIL). I won't go into it all because I'm trying to respect the privacy of others, but let's just say that she is beyond the point of crazy & repair, and it is taking a complete toll on my BIL and (worst of all) my husband. There is nothing I can do to fix it. I feel completely helpless, and I feel like I am losing my husband. This is the core of our stress at home. There is more that involves the upkeep of our home, having a relationship, taking care of stuff & all, but that is taking a back burner to my batcrazy MIL. Most of all, I worry about my husband. This is incredibly difficult on him. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it.
2. My grandmother is dying - and slowly at that. She has been battling cancer for 29 years, and the cancer is starting to win. She is on 90mg morphine in the morning and 90mg at night with breakthrough meds (sublingual morphine rocks) during the day. The fact that she's walking around the house "getting things done" (according to her) is absolutely beyond me.
3. My mother's husband (Rick) is still undergoing testing to figure out what is causing his health problems. He was in the ICU before Christmas, and is still dealing with health issues. I feel like he will be okay physically, but since he is not working, I worry about my mother and the stress I know she feels trying to keep things afloat. I'm worried she'll work herself into the ground. That's her nature, and after her open heart surgery in August, she needs to take care of herself.
4. My stepmother is having major neck surgery on Friday. Her doctor sounds to be more than competent, but I know it will be a long recovery process. I worry about my Dad taking care of her (though he is good, the man cannot cook!) and her recovery.
5. The sadness of Kaden losing his battle and Sarah & Jamie's birthmother bailing out makes me so sad. It also creates a sense of fear that makes moving forward difficult. Life gives it and takes it away.
6. School is extremely stressful for both of The Ramblers this time of year. TAKS (the Texas Assessment of Knowlege and Skills), the Texas standardized testing, is upon us which requires above and beyond time, teaching, love, patience, and more time than usual. The expectations of our students is high. The pressure of TAKS, student success, reports, meetings, tutoring, discipline, and just trying to do the basics of our jobs is completely overwhelming right now. We don't get paid enough for this.
7. After going through taxes, I have figured out that I somehow owe the government money. How a woman that is a teacher who spent more than 10% of her annual salary on medical bills owes the IRS, I do not know. I am suffering financially due to the stress of daily/monthly expenses, medical bills, student loans, one credit card, and just plain trying to survive.
8. I miss so many of my friends. I am blessed to be a person surrounded by so many friends and loved ones. This whole RPL/IF business has taken a major toll on the relationships I have with others. I miss that, and I often don't know how (or if) I can get it back to where it was.
9. Everyone is pregnant. No, seriously - EVERYone. Whether they conceived without assistance,-had a succesful AI - med cycles, IUI. IVF - they are pregnant & staying that way. I am so very thrilled for them all because I've prayed for their happiness & success, yet I'm also feeling very left behind.
10. Oh yeah in case you didn't know: We are trying to get pregnant and actually have a baby. Only been doing that for a couple of years now. No thanks to the life/crap that is innundating us, we need to work Plan A. I try not to worry about it, but if we don't get pregnant (and STAY pregnant) in the next two months, we will not have a baby in 2009. Don't know how/if I can handle that.
It is so overwhelming and inundating. No stress ......................... Lord, hear our prayers. I have been crying to the Heavens through your angels. Please bless us with a viable pregnancy that results in a healthy pregnancy that delivers a healthy baby to term. While that seems like a huge & almost insurmountable task to us, we pray that God can hear our cries and answer our prayers. I know I am imperfect and I beg for your forgiveness. Please bless us with one of your angels that we can raise here on Earth in your image and love.
While there are others, these are only the issues at the forefront of my mind. tonight Your love, prayers, and good thoughts are appreciated. Not just for us, but prayers are desired for all those who need it.