Rocking My Babies

We lost my grandmother Mary this morning. She passed away peacefully at home with my mom by her side at 5:20am. Mary is now in Heaven with her parents, two of her brothers, her best friend, and a grandson. My babies now have some loving arms to rock them until I get there to meet them someday.


My grandmother was the most amazing, courageous, and strong woman I have ever met. This world will be a much different place without her. I know my world will be.

I love you, Little Grandmother, and I already miss you terribly. We all do. May you rest in peace.

Past blog posts about Mary: Prayers for Mary / Mary the Great / Cancer Sucks / Oh, Mary

Please Pray

Baby Stellan needs your prayers.

Why?

Although I didn't say anything about it on this blog, I REALLY thought I was pregnant after all the symptoms I was having - sore boobs, nausea, massive bloating, pregnancy/bfp dreams, waves of crampiness, and throwing up dinner one night. I'm trying REALLY hard not to get depressed about it. Disappointment is a nice way to describe how I feel now.

It's scary because I'm 41 and just don't have a lot of time now. I just can't give up. I have to have a baby. How did I go from being pg three times in one year to NOTHING?? I feel like I don't know anything anymore.

Time to double up on the Prozac (which I quit taking in the 2ww), drink like a fish, have a sushi/hot dog/deli meat/soft serve ice cream/soft cheese sandwich, and figure out where to go from here.

This sucks.

Spotting Already

The red-headed slut is on her way. I hope when she gets here she can explain to me why my boobs have been so sore, the bloating has been ridiculous, and why I threw up dinner the other night. She also owes me for three ruined pee sticks. Yep, another cycle shot. I hate that bitch.

Dreaming of Sticks

Disclaimer --- The pictures you see in this post are NOT REAL. They are a fabrication created to reinforce a point. Please do not get excited. I repeat, do NOT get excited.

Why in the world am I dreaming of pee sticks??!!! A few nights ago, I had a dream that I poas and the stick said, "Yes. Actually, it's twins!" It looked a little like this:

Then last night I had a dream about some sticks as well, but I've since forgotten it. I don't dream of peeing on the sticks, just the sticks after they have an answer. Crazy.

One Year Ago Today

Our 3rd loss - a c/p - began a year ago today. I began spotting and just knew. Just the day before, I was nauseous and (while trying to hide the pg) eating crackers and drinking Sprite all morning. My friend Laurie was thankfully in town and thankfully figured it out. (She's just smart like that - ha!)

The next day when I woke up to spotting, it's like she knew by looking at my face. That afternoon, Laurie literally placed her hands on my stomach and prayed for DH, our baby, and me. Her praying over me was such an amazing experience. I just cried as she prayed. Unfortnately, God had other plans for our little angel. Guess He needed a third to help mediate fights between our other two angels. :)

As of today (for the most part), I haven't been pregnant for a year. It's just crazy to think that we went from 3 pgs in one year to NOTHING. If we don't get pg this cycle, it will mean that we will have been dealing with pg/RPL/IF within FOUR calendar years before we hopefully have a baby in our arms. Ridiculous.

Other than that, I told DH today that we are on "phantom symptom watch." I only gave that up because he caught me grabbing my tits. HAha! (Note: still no sticks in the house.)

Show & Tell: Desperation

Tales of the Desperate, AMA, RPL, MTHFR & Unfamous Rambler

This is kind of a sucky Show & Tell but you are finding me where I am today. Yes, desperation to become pg is here folks. It's here in full force. How, you ask? Here's how:

• I took Mucinex pre-O. Delightful CM party going on.
• DH received his first "chart observation & training" this week. He acted like he understood, but I don't think he did. Not at all.
• I made sure to respect the 20 minute elevation post-BD.
• I even ate enjoyed gnawed the entire core of what used to be that damn pineapple yesterday. Wonder if I might be a tad allergic since the inside of my mouth began to swell a bit.
• I'm having bfp/twins/mc (in that order) dreams now. Tell you more about it later.
• I continue to grope myself throughout the day. (Note: Pinching your nipples really hard typically doesn't feel so great - pg or not.)
• I'm already checking tp. Old habits die hard.
• I've started taking deep sniffs of things to see if the smell might gross me out.
• I ate hot dogs and deli meat yesterday in case I get pg and can't have them for a while. Next - sushi.
• I'll start randomly peeing on things around the house soon just to practice. Don't worry, I'll blame the dogs.
• I might get crazy enough to buy some sticks to pee on by the end of the week.

I realize that I could've had green tea, stood on my head, used preseed, had sex hanging from the ceiling fan, and many other thing. This will have to do for now.

Your Input Might Help Someone Else

This is C&P from an entry on Glow in the Woods. Your feedback might help someone else, so please read below and participate if you are willing.


Dr. Katherine Gold of the University of Michigan’s Department of Obstetrics & Gynecology studies pregnancy loss (particularly stillbirth) and its effect on families, and explores how the healthcare providers might improve their response.

Dr. Gold has put together a brief web survey for mothers who frequent internet message boards and discussion groups for support—with the results, she hopes to explore the Internet and online communities as a channel to help bereaved mothers, and data from the survey will help the university to design more effective support programs.

Click here to share your voice, your story and your feedback--keeping in mind that the survey focuses on the use of message/discussion boards versus blogs, and is designed to collect quantitative data as opposed to anecdotal.

The survey is free and confidential; both the study and survey have been reviewed and approved by the University of Michigan Institutional Review Board


Although I have not experienced a late loss or stillbirth, I completed the survey in hopes that I can help other women who have experienced loss at any stage of pregnancy. Maybe you can help, too.

Change is Good?

I hope this change is good! I've had a handful of people complain bitch whine share a concern with me that my blog was difficult to properly see. I checked it out on several different computers and didn't see any issues.

In order to accommodate all of my faithful readers (and because the previous layout was getting old), I once again depended on my friends at The Cutest Blog on the Block and made some updates. I hope this change works. Let me know if that fixes whatever issues were a problem!

One Year Ago Today

We found out that we were pregnant again. Our third BFP (in one year for that matter). Of course we didn't too excited because our history hadn't proved to be successful to that point, but I was still trying to be hopeful. Four days later, I began spotting. The doctor verified the next morning that it was a chemical pregnancy.

This has been such a long road . . .

No Sticks in the House

It really is kind of odd. Such a rarity. I'm not sure if that's been the case in this house for about two years now. There are no sticks to pee on in this entire house. No popsicle sticks. No Pixy Sticks. Not even the little sticks that come in the cheese & cracker snack packs. Any sticks in the yard are wet from lots of rain, so they wouldn't even work. I don't even have a stash of FRERs or CBEs (used or new!).

It's kind of liberating. No pressure to poas. I can't hear them calling from the bathroom, "Come pee on me!" "Help!" "Use me!" Aaaaahhhhh. I'm stickless! Guess it's kinda funny because I don't even have crosshairs on FF, so it's not like I even need to worry about poas anyway! :)

Yearning

Tonight is tough for some reason. I desperately want us to have a baby, and tonight I feel desperate in that possibility. I have tears in my eyes and an emptiness in my heart. I don't understand why this is happening to us. I feel so cheated.

As an elementary school teacher, I see children EVERY SINGLE DAY who are not being parented. Why do people have children if they don't plan to love them, parent them, and nurture their upbringing? WTH are they thinking? I could go on a long, angry tirade about it, but I'm down right now and know that I can't fix others much less own situation right now.

I just needed to get that out. God, what if we never get to have children? Tears begin to flow . . .

Sisterhood Award

I received this wonderful award from Katie, my friend from these here interwebs. Katie and I have been walking (okay, crawling) together along this journey of IF for a while, and we have become a great support system for one another along the way. I will admit that she is much more supportive of me than I could ever be of her. I'm praying that her sticky baby is on its way!

The rules for accepting the award are as follows:
* Put the logo on your blog or post.
* Nominate at least 10 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude.
* Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.
* Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.
* Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

I hereby bequeath the "Sisterhood Award" to the following AMAZING women:

1. Antigone Lost
2. Bunches of Burches
3. Faith, Hope, and Love
4. God Won't Make a Mountain I Can't Climb
5. He Will Carry Me
6. I Did, I Do, I Will
7. Living in the Frat House
8. No Swimmer in the Tubes, No Bun in the Oven
9. The Roberts Family
10. Tale of Two Coins
11. Team Killion
12. Writer Chic -N- Lawn Boy

My list of amazing women who are full of grace and graciousness could go on & on & on, but who else would these lovely women get to nominate if I gave it to everyone?

Show & Tell: Box of Hope

I haven't participated in Mel's Show & Tell in a long time, mainly because I didn't know what to show. Photos of a barren uterus are about all I feel that I've had to offer of late, but I finally have a wonderful photo to share.

I have a wonderful friend named Maria, but you must know that I have never met her IRL. We "met" on a Pregnancy Loss board and have gotten to know one another through the past couple of years. She has become a great friend that provides me strength, patience, and hope. Maria understands my journey and offers me a future through her story. (Hi EJ!)

Yesterday I received what I'm calling the "Box of Hope" from Maria. The contents of this box are my future.



As you can see, the box held a bag containing vials of heparin, some needles/syringes, and even alcohol wipes. WHEN (not if) I get pregnant again, I am actually looking forward to injecting myself every day with blood thinning medication in hopes that I can sustain a pregnancy. These goodies bring me good luck, as Maria received her heparin before getting pg with her precious EJ, so now we're hoping that luck rubs off on me. :)

I knew Maria's kind plans to send her leftover liquid gold to me, but I didn't know that another thoughtful gift would be included. You can also see in the box a precious picture frame. In the sweet note that Maria wrote me, she said, "And when it (the heparin) works, use this frame to keep your weekly u/s pictures." It definitely will be used for our future u/s photos, so DH and I can look at our baby as he/she grows through the weeks.

We are hoping and praying to empty our "box of hope" and use all of its contents very soon. Thank you, Maria!

Kinda Weird

This morning was typical. Scramble through traffic, finally get to work, log on to FF to record my temp, and then SURPRISE!

So, not only does FF know when AF arrives, what my daily BBT shows, when I have sex with my DH, but it also knows when it's my birthday. One site knows more about me than probably anyone. I almost feel violated. Guess that comes with TTC for 2 years and getting old.

What am I going to do?

Seriously. What am I going to do . . . with DH???

He comes in from the backyard today, and I ask, "Whatcha doin'?" He quickly responds, "Fertilizing the backyard. With my sperm."

I firmly said, "NO. You are only to fertilize my eggs with those sperm. There will be no yard fertilization with anything like that. You know better."

He thinks he's so funny. This is NOT a time for joking about something like wasting sperm. Do I have to watch him everywhere he goes?

And, yes, he would absolutely die if he had any idea I just typed this for public viewing. :)

Confession

I put in a brief submission for a local IVF study. After speaking with the coordinator for a while this afternoon, it appears that we qualify. However, we won't be participating because I'll need to lose some weight before acceptance, but mainly we can't afford it. It's not really much of a discount and would still cost us a minimum of $6-7000. I haven't even told DH.

We're going to keep trying on our own!