Rewind: Holy Crap

10.25.10

I met with Dr. Super and his gang of helpers today (I need to get them all named!), and Holy Buh-jeezus.  We are preparing to wreak complete havoc on my jacked-up body very soon.  Wow.

I'm going to be on what is called the LA10-E2V (agonist/antagonist conversion protocol with estrogen priming) protocol.  I'm still in a VERY steep learning curve & have a ton to learn before I begin shooting up my body several times a day for days on end in hopes of a baby.

Gotta go read myself past the point of head-swimming confusion & get ready to do this.  As soon as my Provera kicks in & AF shows, I'll begin BCP.  My IVF cycle (meaning all the meds) will start on 11/5.

Oh Lawdy have mercy - here we go.

An Advocate

I am SO thankful to my IVF clinic that they referred me to Freedom Fertility Pharmacy.  I have spent hours on the phone with my insurance trying to sort everything out for my meds.  So frustrating.  After four long calls with four different people and four different results, my coordinating nurse sent all of my prescriptions to Freedom.  THEY are going to be an advocate for me in dealing with my insurance.  They will figure out what is and what is not covered, then they will fill all of the other meds for a decent price.  How awesome is that?!

As everyone at the clinic has said, I am on a LOT of meds (to be exact - 13 different ones for now).  It's nice to have yet another person on the team that is helping with this overwhelming and confusing process.  We'll take all we can get!

GAME ON

Cycle 43, CD1

After 40 days in absentia, AF has finally arrived!  Never thought I'd be happy to see her red-headed slut face.  However, she brought her entire crampy family with her thus bringing me some major discomfort.  I'll take it, though, because I was worried my body had completely failed me and we wouldn't be able to do this IVF cycle.

I started my bcp today.  I haven't been on the pill since Februrary of 2007, so it was weird to open that pack!  We go to the clinic this week for more b/w, to sign paperwork, and for DH to leave a sample to be frozen in case we need it on ER day.  Friday is when I begin meds and injections, but today --- TODAY --- starts the final game for us.

GAME ON.

The Reason

Welcome to those who have made it to "the other side."  Now, before you read everything ahead you must know that AF is still MIA.  And I'm getting kinda pissed about it.  I swear I'm going to wipe my vag raw checking for the faintest spot of blood.  It's crazy, but she is.not.here.  Don't know why I'm surprised since this whole 3-hour tour of TTC has turned into me becoming the damn Skipper of the SS Minnow.   I look and feel and probably act like him too now, but I don't have the Professor to keep me stable. (ramble ramble ramble)  Anyway . . . . . . .

The reason I have taken the blog private is summed up in three words.  They start with I, V, and F.  Yes, my friends, IVF - that's in vitro fertilization for you laypeople.  Many women/couples are cool posting all of the details of their IVF travels for public consumption, and while I typically would be, I'm not now.  In fact, I'm scared to death.

Am I scared of all the time off work it will require?  No.
Am I scared of all the blood draws?  No.
Am I scared of the paperwork?  No.
Am I scared of the tons of medication?  No.
Am I scared of the injections?  No.
Am I scared of the bloating?  No.
Am I scared of the bruising?
Am I scared of the hormone swings?  No.
Am I scared of the havoc that will wreak my body?  No.
Am I scared of pain & discomfort?  No.
Am I scared of the procedures?  No.
Am I scared of all the money it will take?  Maybe.

So, you're probably thinking, "Okay, what ARE you scared of?"  Well, I'm scared of failing.  This whole process of trying to have a baby has been a total failure.  It's taken almost four years and cost thousands of dollars only with results of a broken heart and no baby.  I'm scared we will do all of this and still not have our dream of a biological child fulfilled.

More importantly, though, is the fact that this is our ONLY SHOT.  Did you hear me?  ONLY shot, people.  Due the fact that we are both teachers and don't own a money tree (damnit!), this is a HUGE financial commitment for us.  So much so that we can only afford one try.  We are looking at as much as $22,000 due to the procedures, genetic testing, and medications.  This is money that we do NOT have, but we are doing everything we possibly can to make it work.  IVF will be a strain on every facet of our personal, financial, marital, and physical life.  We're doing it anyway because we're desperate.

Just to be in full disclosure, this blog and my own living room will be the only places I plan to talk about our plans moving into and experiencing IVF.  Not even our entire families are aware of what we are doing.  (As of this posting, it's really just my mom & DH's brother.)  Our entire journey of not having a baby has been public - and I realize that it's by my own doing - but I am needing for things to be more quiet now.  I need to have the chance to destress and not feel that I need to keep up with everyone and everything.  This blog is my living journal just as it would be a handwritten diary in my nightstand drawer.  I will blog as I see fit/need, and I will not discuss it further, unless it is of my choosing.

Those of you who have experienced this know how it feels for well-meaning people to feel that your body is a topic of idle conversation.  So, if you know my DH and/or me IRL or even on the internet (FB/TB/Besties, other online forums, work, mutual friends, etc.), I am asking for your discretion and courtesy in keeping your damn mouth shut.  Don't ask me questions, don't post things about it (not even what you think is in code), don't talk about it with one another, etc.  The only people who will know what is going on other than our parents and a few select family members are those who have access to this blog.

If anyone chooses to disrespect my wishes, I will not only shut this blog down but I will stop sharing with everyone altogether.  I'm not trying to sound ugly, but I really and truly mean it.  I have been perfectly open with our journey, and I hope that you will respect the fact that I desperately need some privacy now.  (I mean, hell, if you're on here you'll know everything anyway.)  With that being said . . .

Although I'm scared out of my mind, our plan is to move forward with hope and confidence.  It's really all we have.

CD34

This is INSANE.  3rd day of Provera . . . still no AF.  WTH???   Teeny bit of brown spotting, but nothing that really matters.  I am NEVER late, much less like this.  My crazy-ass body.  If I hadn't spent so much money on it, I'd trade this one in for a working model.  I'm starting to get cranky now.  (okay, more cranky)

Last Call

Last call for alcohol!  You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

OOPS.  I'm not single, 25, thinking I'm fertile & at the bars anymore.  It's not the last call for alcohol (although a drink sounds kinda good right now - it's 5:00 somehwere, right?!).  Yet again, I digress . . .

Last call to get initial access to my ramblings.  It'll be private by tomorrow.  I'll then post a few different entries that I've been holding on to lately, so you'll have more of my crap a few things to put you to sleep read soon.  Others will have the opportunity to access my blog, but they'll have to go through the process of learning it's private first.  Tsk, tsk to them for being late.

As I've said . . . thanks for continuing on this journey with me.  Please fasten your seat belts & hold on tight.  This may be a bumpy ride!

About Going Private

Thanks to all of you who have requested to keep on this journey with me.  I didn't know I had such wonderful readers out there!  Many of you have sent me your amazing stories - some sharing for the very first time.  I truly thank you for that.  I'm sorry that I have not been able to respond to your emails in detail, but I am going to send each of you a confirmation that your request was received.

I noticed today that a few messages were landing in my SPAM folder which I never check but automatically just empty.  If you do not get a confirmation email from me, PLEASE EMAIL ME AGAIN!  I am thrilled that I won't be blogging in to empty space and would like everyone to hang with me for a while longer.

Explanations Anyone?

How many of you have tried to explain how you feel during all of the female stuff we have to endure?  It's quite comical I think.  Sunday night I spent a few moments trying to explain to DH why sex was uninteresting because AF was a week late and I felt like crap.  Now, how do you explain bloating?  Cramps?  Ovarian pinching?  HA - you don't!  So . . . you try.

All I could come up with was, "Wellllll . . . ya know . . . uhhh . . . ya know how it feels when you're kinda constipated and you feel that you need to poop . . . but you can't?  Yeah.  That's how it feels."  What a terrible explanation!  As I was trying to fall asleep (but couldn't due to discomfort), I thought of what I should have said.  Next time I'll write it down in the dark & try to decipher it in the morning.  It was good - REALLY good.  But I did sleep at least a couple of hours last night and forgot.

So, what have you tried to explain (successfully or unsuccessfully) to your DH/SO?

Don't forget, my Ramblings are going private in a day or two.  Email me if you want to stick around for more!  kekis26 @ gmail . com

Olly Olly Oxen Free!!

OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!  Ya know what, AF?  Ya crazy bitch --- you won't come out and play, so we're coming in to get you.  Went to Dr. Super today & while AF is MIA with BFNs, the u/s showed no cysts.  How's that for acronyms??!!  :)

I've been miserable & this has to end.  Therefore, Provera is the plan.  Game on, you evil, red-headed slut.

Courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ” - Mary Anne Radmacher



PS - My blog will go private in a couple of days.  I've received many requests from many of those I do and do not know.  Please feel free to email me if you'd like access.  kekis26 @ gmail . com

Shoes

I borrowed this from No Swimmer's blog.  If you've been through it, you'll understand it.  If not, you'll still be able to feel it.

Shoes
Author Unknown


I wear a pair of shoes

They are ugly shoes

Uncomfortable shoes

I hate my shoes

Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step

Yet, I continue to wear them

I get funny looks wearing these shoes

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs

They never talk about my shoes

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt

No woman deserves to wear these shoes

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Shouldn't Be an Issue!

Holy Mother of God . . . This shouldn't be so difficult.  AF is still AWOL.  This should be simple: 28 days, bitch arrives, repeat.  This is truly basic body stuff here.

Instead, I'm spending every waking and sleeping hour miserable with a huge distended stomach and no AF in sight.  To add insult to injury, of course there is no BFP (and you know me, I've been peeing all over stuff).  The only positive is that my skin looks half-decent for the first time in years.

Where are you, ya red-headed slut?  You always show up - why not NOW?  Headed to the doctor on Monday if she doesn't show her ass up by then.  THIS IS SO STUPID.

What do you say?

I saw this reposted today on my IF online forum & wanted to share.  It's not meant to offend but to offer perspective.


So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you’ll be able to walk again!

2. You can’t use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn’t have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn’t mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don’t cover treatment for paraplegia, because it’s not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk – everywhere I go!

9. But don’t you *want* to walk?

10. You’re just trying too hard. Relax and you’ll be able to walk.

11. You’re so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don’t know why you’re being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don’t try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn’t that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you’ll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I’d have a permanent limp, but I’m 100% healed.

18. I’d ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You’re being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don’t complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don’t know how to walk? What’s wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you’ll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you’ll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn’t find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here’s a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she’s trying to get pregnant and it’s taking longer than expected, DON’T tell her to just relax. Don’t tell her to adopt and then surely she’ll get pregnant with her own child. Don’t tell her that God has a plan for her. Don’t say, “At least it’s fun trying!”

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn’t fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn’t fun. Finding out every single month that – yet again – it didn’t work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you’re sorry she’s going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you’re glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don’t bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you’re there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON’T feel that because she told you that it’s okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever – unless she tells you that it’s okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity. The last thing your friend needs is to be at someone’s garage sale and get unsolicited advice from said secretary’s sister’s cousin’s dogwalker’s barista about how she and her husband just need to get really drunk one night and jump in the back seat of the car. Because she’s probably already tried that, too.

Rambler's Note: Going private in several days.  Let me know if you want to know the secret knock.  :)

Quote for Strength

"Anyone can give up, it is the easiest thing to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that is true strength."

It's A Sing Along!

Cue the tune of "Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone" . . . warm up your voices . . . hhhmmmmmmm . . .

Oh where, Oh where
Has my lil' AF gone?
Oh where, oh where can she be?

With her red-headed slut face
And her evil ways
Oh where, oh where can she be?

The evil red-headed slut is four days late without a BFP in sight.  As I told DH (before I peed on my second stick), "What kind of a sick joke is this?"

See?  You'll miss out on such delightful singing time if you don't let me know you'd like access to my ramblings when I go private at the end of the month!  Several of you have asked if it's okay that we don't "know" one another.  I think those are the best people out there!  Make sure you send me your request, and hang on for the ride.  It could get bumpy.

It's That Time

I'm going into the land of privacy for awhile.  I absolutely HATE blogs that are private, but I need to take my mind and thoughts on the road for a while.  Fear not, fine followers, for I shall return into the land of public ramblings in a very short time.

Until then . . . I'm saving my ramblings as drafts until I go public.  Let me know if you want to be a part of the exodus change for now.  Share your address with me or email me at kekis26 at gmail dot com.

You have less than ten days, my loves.  I'll be back in the world of public consumption soon, but I need to get some things out with the people who are nosy really give a crap.  Hope you're around for the long haul.  We could be cruising for a long time or slamming headass into a wall going a bajillion miles an hour.  Join me!

As we say in Texas, "Love ALL Y'ALL!"

Please Don't Disturb

Struggling

Psalms 40:1-3, "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."

Assignment #1

The first assignment for my e-class was to give a voice to our story.  One thing that was said in our assignment instructions was that "most people don't want to hear about the children you don't have and how you miss them."  How true that is.  None of this makes any sense to someone who hasn't experienced PL or IF, but I'm giving a voice to my story on this blog and continue to do so even further in my e-class.

Here are some of the points that I included in addition to some background (a timeline of sorts) and other feelings.

"I feel like a failure, a baby killer, and that I’ve let everyone down."

". . . counseling from a complete moron of a counselor who told me I 'cry too much.'  I then become a crybaby with a temper."

"All of DH’s numbers look amazing, so I’m obviously the problem here. I continue to feel like a complete failure. This is so unfair."

"Present – Still here with an empty bank account, barren uterus and tired, broken heart. On cycle #42 and don’t have any idea how I got here or why I am going through this."

"I continue to blog, but . . . There are times I don't verbalize my thoughts and feelings because it's not worth someone in my life getting pissed off or upset by what I've said.  Those thoughts I just keep to myself and deal with on my own."

"I feel so alone . . . I still wonder what I’ve done to deserve this. I’ve spent most of my life taking care of everyone else. Now that I need others to take care of me, either nobody wants to or knows how to help me. They are all too busy with their own families to remember their barren friend. I look in the mirror and don’t even know who the person looking back at me is anymore. I hate IF. I’m sad, lonely, bitter, and pissed off in general. How I continue to go on is beyond me."

"On the horizon - I have an (upcoming) appointment with IVF specialist. Don’t know how we’ll pay for IVF since we are both teachers & have no IF coverage, but where there’s a will there’s a way. Just hoping and praying it will happen because I don’t know what I’ll do if it doesn’t. I REFUSE to give up, but really . . . how much more do I have to endure? It shouldn’t be this difficult.?"

Infertility E-Class

I joined my first Infertility E-Class (through Lily @ The Infertile Mind) which starts this week.  It's a closed group of about 75 women, who are asked to participate as they feel led.  As with any public forum, there will some who speak out more than others and those who lurk.  Either way, I hope that everyone involved gets the opportunity to learn, help others, and (most importantly) help themselves.  We will have lessons to complete and posts to share on the forum.  I'm sure I will be sharing some of my learnings, but I will not share direct information of others in the class.  Here is what I posted in my introduction:

I am really looking forward to it and connecting with even more people in the IF world. When I had my miscarriages, I learned that pregnancy loss is a secret sorority. Now that I'm battling IF after RPL, I'm learning there is another secret group out there. Nobody wears a pin or a badge on the outside, but after you've shared your membership aloud, you learn there are many, many others with an unwanted membership to the secret sororities in which we find ourselves.


I am over three and a half years now into TTC without luck. It has broken me down into a person I barely know. While it's taken me a long time to get to know this new me, I'm slowly getting used to who she is while missing my old self. I don't experience joy as I used to, and my mind is filled with self-doubt, fear, and despair. So many people tell me that I am so strong and have handled all of this so well, but I am dying inside. Being strong is SUCH hard work, and I'm worn out. It is all I can do each and every day to step forward into the world without adding another crack to my brokenness.

I am hoping that this class can help me deal with my life as it is, give me another outlet for my thoughts and feelings, put words to this new person I have become, reaffirm that I am not alone, and assist me in continuing on this path.

We May Be Breaking Up

Oh, Fertility Friend, how you mock me so.  I'm not even sure why I hang with you anymore.  You're obviously of no help to me.  With all of your mockery, teasing, and torture, maybe I should start calling you "Fertility Enemy."  They say that breaking up is hard to do, but I'm beginning to think otherwise.  Bitch.