You Want an Update?

Blech. Yuck. Eewww. That's how I feel. If I'm going to be nauseas, I better be pregnant or have a stomach flu that will help me lose fifty pounds. Oh, and I'm cranky too. Watch out world!

Side Effects . . .

. . . aren't too bad when you forget to take all of your morning meds! I'm sure my blood pressure is up, but no s/e from the progestin yet! Oops.

Check!

Surgery is scheduled for the afternoon of Friday, November 7. Finally. Let's get this uterus cleaned out and healthy this time. Please! Now that it's scheduled, I can go from being irritated and impatient to nervous and anxious. I'm also starting progestin today per my RE's instructions. The side effects sound delightful!

"The main side effects are acne, bloating, breakthrough bleeding, breast discomfort, depression, dizziness, fluid retention, headaches, irregular bleeding, lethargy, moodiness, nausea, prolonged bleeding, spotting, vomiting and weight gain."

Years ago, I took Depo-Provera as birth control & didn't have many side effects that I remember, so I'm hoping that remains the case. I did warn my DH & my work team though! But then again, looking at all of these side effects, it sounds like a normal day for me!!

Don't Upset the Grouchy, Crampy Lady

AF is here. With a vengeance. And cramps. And bloating. And BIG TIME cramps. Did I say cramps already? I don't usually have bad cramps (did I say it again?), but these are not fun.

Now to the upsetting the grouchy, crampy lady . . . Can I say stupid scheduling bitch at the RE's office again? (Stupid Scheduling Bitch!) Seems like there isn't really anything "open" in the OR for November 6th right now. Nope, nothing open at one of the largest hospitals in the Dallas area. Nothing. Zip. Nada! I'm not sure how much is S.S.B.'s fault & how much is the hospital's fault, but c'mon people. I have cramps & I want this surgery done. (especially if it will alleviate these cramps) I was told that she'd know something on the 29th. Yep, my school will love getting a week's notice that I'll be out for a couple of days. It really won't be that much of a problem, but I want the doctor's office to think it will be.

SSB calls me back at work while 32 beady, little eyes watch their teacher try to speak in code on the phone. I finally told the lady that I couldn't talk, and I'd call her back after school. Then she continues to hold me hostage (as I call it) on the phone. I interrupted her one last time and said, "As you know, I'm a teacher. I have a classroom full of kids waiting on me right now. If he can't do it, I will find someone who will. I will call you back after school." Click.

Yes, I will call back. And Crampy Lady will be ready. Hope that stupid RE's office is ready!

From the look of things . .

We'll be having surgery before a baby. (Thanks for the update reminder, Tracy. Shouldn't you be trying to go into labor or something??!!!) I'm honestly kind of relieved because most likely a pregnancy right now wouldn't survive the beast in my uterus that needs to be removed.

I am scheduled for November 6th surgery, but the stupid scheduling bitch at Dr. G&D's office won't confirm it. I know that sounds rude, and so be it. I've called their office three times to get the surgery scheduled and she gives me no answers. She's given me repsonses like, "It's so far out to schedule surgery" (WTH?!) and "What other dates would you like?" (Answer: None - it has to be done during a certain time in my schedule & as a teacher I can't just head out for surgery one afternoon.) Gosh, you'd think I'm actually excited about having another surgery as many times as I've had to make contact.

I'm calling tomorrow to speak directly with Dr. G&D. If they aren't overly concerned about scheduling my surgery, he certainly isn't going to get up my hooha and deal with my only uterus. There are plenty of other men, I mean doctors, who are willing to get all up in my hooha and get the job done.

On a non-complaining note, DH & I went to a Halloween party last night where the hostesses hired a card/palm reader for the guests. DH & I went in together, and learned that I'm having 2 children (+ our 3 m/cs), and DH is having 7 children (which includes our 3 m/cs). You KNOW these card readers know all! Guess we'll just wait for knocks on the door some day to figure out who those other two children of his are! ;)

I Love Your Blog, I Love My Blog

Katie loves my blog! Aaawwww, thanks, Katie!













The way this works is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? Couch
3. Your hair color? blonde
4. Your mother? caring
5. Your father? amazing
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your dream/goal? motherhood
9. The room you're in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? scrapbooking
11. Your fear? childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? family
13. Where were you last night? party
14. What you're not? dressed
15. One of your wish list items? countertops
16. Where you grew up? Dallas
17. The last thing you did? read
18. What are you wearing? nightgown
19. Your T.V.? Cowboys
20. Your pet? four
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? tired
23. Missing someone? yes
24. Your car? Pilot
25. Something you're not wearing? pants
26. Favorite store? none
27. Your Summer? missing
28. Love someone? yes
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

Here are seven blogs I love!

Peck Family Blog
Chris * Jenn * Caleb * Noelle
mudpie memories
Heartstrings
Joyce's Blog
Fertile Hope
Antigone Lost

What if?

Okay, what if we get pregnant this month? Holy crap! My hysteroscopy is on the 6th. I'm having the surgery because there is a "uterine abnormality". If I get pg, it sounds like whatever is in there (suspected to be a fibroid or polyp) might be in the way for the normal development of a fetus.

I guess we'll see. Think I'll go eat an orange.

Because I Love My OB/gyn

And because he knows that I know where he lives (just down the road),
And because I have his personal cell number,
And because he's just a damn good doctor who cares,
Dr. T called me today so I could get his take on my upcoming surgery.


I let Dr. T know while I have confidence in Dr. G&D, that Dr. T and I have a longer history and I trust his judgment as well. He said that he feels Dr. G&D is a very good, talented doctor, and he'd do a good job. Dr. T asked about my lab results and was also a bit surprised that everything came back normal.

I asked the awesome Dr. T what he would like me to do upon my next BFP. As I thought, he wants me to call his office immediately so we can order betas, do an u/s, etc. I told him that Dr. G&D doesn't see the need for Lovenox injections (to help the MTHFR mutation & RPL), but I feel in my gut that I need it. Dr. T sees no reason why not & if I want it, that's what we'll do. I love, love, love the fact that he is willing to be aggressive and let me have a say in my treatment. So many doctors have a God complex, but Dr. T does not. He has a bit of an inflated ego but in a very funny, lighthearted, caring way.

Can you tell how thrilled/blessed/amazed/thankful I am to have Dr. T in my hooha corner? I just wish he only cost five cents like Lucy!

At 7pm CDT, I lit this candle . . .

. . . for me, for you, and for all others who truly understand the loss and grief of a pregnancy or infant that did not survive. I also lit candles for those who will come after us, that this terrible "sisterhood" to which we all belong can help those who need it.

October 15 - Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

It was difficult looking at my three candles burning and knowing exactly what they represent. They each burned as vigorously as I cried so many hours and days after losing my three babies. While my candles are now out as I prepare for bed, my virtual candles will burn for the next 48 hours.




And to my three babies who await me in Heaven,

I cherish you and the thought of what you could have been. The love by which you were created on Earth and in Heaven is something I can only hope and pray you know. Understand that you are a piece of my heart that belongs only to you. I think of you all every day and cry for you often (and yet again today). May you work with Jesus to provide us with a child here on Earth that you can guard and protect for his or her days with us. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try to care for you and love you. I am sorry that I failed you, and I hope to hold you in my arms someday. For now, I will just love you through remembrance.

As Normal as Normal Can Be For Now

I called the RE's office, prepared to yell and get ugly if I had to do it. Luckily I called home first and heard the voice mail from Dr. G&D (for those of you not following along, Dr. Gloom & Doom = my RE).

All of my labs came back normal. Normal? Nothing about this whole trying to get pregnant, losing babies, having surgeries, and being vampired a bajillion times has been normal. Guess my Protein S & C, FSH, Glucose, testosterone, and whatever else they took were okay. Why do I doubt that is true?

Next step - hysteroscopy. Again. Luckily it won't be laparoscopic, so I won't wake up looking like I'm 6 months pregnant this time. After talking to Dr. T (aka Dr. Terrific = my OB/gyn), my two hooha docs decided Dr. D&G will do the surgery. We're temporarily slated for November 6th unless I got KU this cycle. We didn't try to, but we definitely didn't not try. I think I Od yesterday (CD14) from the looks of my temps.

I just hope they get out whatever is in there that shouldn't be & keep what's supposed to be in there. And I also hope for good drugs this time - NOT morphine though!

Frustrated

Bloodwork done - Saturday 10/4

HSG done - Monday 10/6

Results received - ?????

All of my lab work is not ready. Since all of this labwork stuff has gone online, it seems like things are pretty screwed up. I might be the patient, but I am not patient. Nine days post-draw is ridiculous. I did get two whopping numbers from all of my b/w. My proteins (S & C) were normal. Protein S = 95 (normal range is 60-145) and Protein C = 105 (normal range is 74-151). I nicely told the lady giving that little bit of information that "they took seven vials of blood, so they better figure it all out!"

So, hurry up and wait. My RE's office is hunting down more results. My RE hasn't even talked to my OB/gyn yet about my "abnormal uterine cavity" and who is going to do the surgery. Hello people???!!! I'm sitting here with an abnormal cavity & I need it fixed. I'm sorry you had a religious holiday on Thursday and had a difficult surgery today. What about the other days?

I wish they would just flip a coin to see who wins the "Doc-That-Gets-Into-My-Hooha-Again" Award. And NOW.

Remembering Our Babies - October 15th

This Wednesday, Octobrer 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. While anyone who has ever experienced pregnancy loss or lost an infant, we know that we remember EVERY day. However, the 15th of every October is a day where everyone in the world can come together and remember as one.

So, on Wednesday, light a candle at 7pm in your time zone - wherever you are - to remember our babies. Keep it burning for at least an hour, and we will create a continuous wave of light.

And PLEASE share this with your friends through email or on your blog (you can even simply link to mine if you want). There are so many women out there remembering their babies that do NOT share their sadness and loss. Let them know they don't have to grieve or suffer alone. They need to know that we are reaching out to them, remembering them and their loss as well.


When I light my candle at 7:00 Wednesday night, I will also say a prayer for the three babies I have lost as well as for all of you out there. Blessings . . .

The Vampire is Out

??????????

Actually, the vampire is probably still in, but I don't have the results of my b/w taken last Saturday. My RE was out for a holiday yesterday, and I was too chicken to call today. Hopefully their office will be open on Monday since I have the day off and can melt down at home alone if the results aren't too stellar.

This is Me Lately

I feel like I can't get anything done. Everything from work to home to my car and everywhere in between feels as if it's in disarray. It was all I could do not to break down and cry today. I am so incredibly overwhelmed and everything is suffering.

Examples from School:

1. I completely & totally didn't include the right learning units in my team's plans for the past few weeks, and now the entire fourth grade will be taking an assessment on stuff they haven't even learned. WTH did I do? Luckily, a team member figured it out, but it was my responsibility.

2. I am overwhelmed by the amount of paperwork and meetings I've had lately. My desk is a disaster. I have a TON of papers to grade and can't seem to get them done.

3. I accidentally gave a student of mine a 50 in Science on her progress report. I completely & totally didn't put the grade for one of her assignments in the grade book. Her average is really a 95. I sure hope she didn't get grounded because her teacher is an idiot.

5. I have another parent who questioned her son's grade. Now I'm doubting myself.

6. In the first nine weeks of schools, our students will have taken 9 major assessments. How ridiculous. No wonder I'm behind in my plans & absolutely overwhelmed. Usually I handle all of this very well. In fact, I'm infamous for being overly anal and organized and on top of things. Not lately! Must.get.it.together!!!

Examples from Home:

1. My house is a mess. The maid came today, and it's still a mess. Granted almost all of it isn't MY mess, but it's a mess. Disorganization and piles of stuff everywhere literally makes me anxious.

2. I finally went to the grocery store tonight for the first time in forever. We were out of toilet paper. Who runs out of toilet paper???

3. Laundry - I can't keep up with it, but I never have been able to keep up with laundry. Guess I don't plan on it at this point in the game.

4. I actually cooked dinner AND prepared lunches for both of us tomorrow. At least we won't starve to death in the next 14 or so hours. Thank goodness.

Personal Examples:

1. I haven't scrapbooked since August. I need to and want to work on my scrapbooks. Haven't done it.

2. I'm so freaking exhausted by the time I get home from work that I can't accomplish anything.

3. My email overfloweth as does my Google Reader.

4. I haven't returned phone calls in about a week.

5. My hair looks like crap. Luckily I have a hair appointment tomorrow. Hope I don't fall asleep, drink too much of her wine, or cry while I'm there. Or all three.

6. Doctors - I haven't rescheduled a doctor's appointment that was cancelled (by the dr.) last week. I haven't heard from my RE, but I haven't had time to even call and be concerned about it. I need to see someone about my sinus junk. I've felt bad for three weeks now.

SO . . . I have a few options that I'm considering. (1) Get more sleep. I just don't know when that will happen. (2) Don't make any more social plans through the rest of the month. I already have plenty. (3) Up my meds. Always a fun option. (4) Drink more. However, that would probably interfere with idea numbers 1 & 2. (5) Get my ass in gear. Quit procrastinating, prioritize, get it done, and take care of myself in the process.

Or, I can go with (6) Do all of the above. Time to get my head out of my ass. At least it's not up that guy's ass! That would be gross.

SHG - The Good, Bad & the Ugly

GOOD: The Good news
- SHG wasn't bad at all. Saline was cold, but it wasn't too bad.
- Ovaries look good, tubes clear, etc.
- Out of pocket expenses covered for the year, SHG = no cost. (today!)
- Dr. D&G (Doom & Gloom) actually smiled today.
- Dr. D&B doesn't see need for IUI or IVF. ("You can get pg.")

BAD: Not so good news
- Damn fibroid in uterus. (aka - "Uterine cavity is not clear.")
- Damn fibroid could be leftover from April surgery. Could be new but probably not.
- RE thinks damn fibroid could have caused at least one of my m/cs.
- Some cramping tonight. Wine didn't help much. Neither did 4 more Advil.

UGLY: Not bad, but not my favorite news
- Surgery necessary. Again. Get this damn fibroid outta me.

What's next?
- Waiting for b/w results.
- RE & OB/gyn to chat and come up with surgical plan.
- Surgery to remove damn fibroid within a month at the most.
- Should know more in the next couple of days.

Editorial:
- I'm sick of people (mainly men of the medical profession who are not my husband) being in my hooha and any other hole they can find. I really want my holes left alone for a while.

Fervent Prayers

If you are not already, I would appreciate it if you would please spend some time in prayer for Stacy. Although I've never met her in person (we “met” on a pregnancy loss forum), I consider Stacy a friend. She will be delivering her son, Isaac, by c-section on Tuesday. While delivering your first child should be such an exciting and wonderful day, it most likely will not be for Stacy and her husband Spencer. If he survives birth, Isaac will most likely live for only a very short time. Stacy’s faith is an amazing testimony to God and inspiration to others. (You can read her blogs in the links above.) Please pray for their health and peace before, during, and after Tuesday. Thanks . . .

I Saw the Vampire

And not because it's slowly getting closer to Halloween! I had my CD3 b/w done yesterday. 7 vials of my precious blood. Hopefully my body will replenish it. :)

I go tomorrow for my HSG.

"Should I take anything beforehand?" I asked the nurse (Nurse Nice).
"I'll call in an Rx for an antibiotic," she replied.
"Anything that day?" I asked again.
"You can take a couple of Advil before," Nurse Nice told me.
"Hydrocodone, you said?" I chirped through the phone.
"No, just Advil," NN confirmed while giggling.
"Yeah, I guess I DO have to drive home," I responded.

I'll take the hydrocodone when I get home if I need/want it. :)

Stuck Between an RE and a Baby

Hello, my little blog readers. C'mon over to the carpet. Everyone sit down on your pockets, put a bubble in your mouth, and turn on your listening ears. Good job everyone! Well, my little blog readers, today we are learning to count RPL/IF-style. Let us begin:

Years waiting to find the right man ---35.5

Years married to the right man --- 1.5

Years hoping to become a mother --- 40.5

BFPs --- 3

Dead babies --- 3 between April '07 - March '08

Heartbeats seen --- 1

Tears --- millions & millions

OBs/REs --- 2

OB's nurses --- 12

Urologists --- 1

Medical bills to date (since 3/07) --- $5,223

Vials of blood given --- dozens

Number of sticks used for poas - ha! I'll never tell.

Surgeries --- two

Hours in waiting rooms --- 20?

Other "procedures" --- five? ten?

Rx --- 7-10 pills daily

Days off work last year --- ten

People/strangers looking at my hooha --- many

Embarrassing & uncomfortable moments --- tons

Dildo-cams --- undeterminable

CD3 bloodwork --- Saturday

HSG --- Monday

Cost in dollars per IUI --- $2500

Cost in dollars per IVF --- $15,000

A way to pay for anything IF-related --- none, zero, zilch, zip, nada, nunca, never

FEAR & WORRY --- endless

Actually having a baby of our own --- PRICELESS