Another Amazing Story

A couple that lives in my area was open and kind enough to share their story of love and loss. Their son, Thomas, was born was Trisomy 13. Upon learning of Thomas' medical issues during a 20-week ultrasound, they chose to continue the pregnancy and bring their precious son into the world.

Some may find the video linked here difficult to watch for many reasons, but I think you'll find that Thomas is as precious of a baby as you can find. You can also read their first part of their story linked in the video window. The second part will be in next week's Dallas Morning News.

Just when we think our troubles are too much to bear, we find another person with more to bear than ourselves.

You Know You're Battling Infertility If . . .

. . . you go on a date with your DH at a nice restaurant and accidentally pull a pee stick out of your purse at the dining table.

And he asks you to show it to him.

And you do.

Remember Me?

I've been so swamped with the beginning of school, meeting new students, paperwork, and trying to sleep in between!

I went yesterday to get vampired. My favorite vampire man was there. It was like coming home since I hadn't seen him in over a year. Sad that you and your vampire are excited to see each other because you became so close in the past! :)

My P4 levels came back normal which (apparently) means I am ovulatory. That's nice. Now where's my baby?

Assume the Position

"Slide on down and assume the position," Dr. T told me this morning. So much for formalities.

I immediately asked Dr. T if he knew that he was grounded. "You do know you're on restriction, right? Did Nurse Excellent tell you? There will be no vacations or days off until I get pregnant, keep the baby, and you deliver it healthy at term." He quickly shot back that his vacation was hot, without a/c, and wasn't that great. When I replied "Ha! Good," he came back with, "You realize I have this in my hand, right?" Note to self: Don't upset the one in possession of large, scary dildo cam.

I learned that Young Dr. R is definitely not my friend. The right follie we saw that measured almost 16 wasn't even a damn follicle. It was the end of some major artery near the ovaries, but braniac idiot young man obviously thought differently. While a layperson (say, ME when I saw it) might have some difficult distinguishing between a follicle and gray area, I guess some people (ahem, certain doctors) might mistake the semi-dark, round, static-filled area as a follie on a sonogram. So . . . no follie at all on the right. Lefty had two follicles. One was a whopping 11 and the other even smaller.

And that's all.

There are three possibilities as of today. One, I had an annovulatory cycle. Two, the Femara didn't work. Three, I ovulated yesterday. We're doubtful on the latter because, had I already Od, there would be some fluid in my (yet again, lovely trilaminar thankyouverymuch) uterine cavity and there is not. So we shall try TI and see if that ever-elusive bfp happens (which I HIGHLY doubt it will), or increase the Femara to double what I took this cycle and try again. I'll have CD21ish labs drawn for P4, but Dr. T expects negative numbers as do I.

I'm surprisingly not disappointed or sad or crying or upset or whatever. I mean, I can't say that I'm happy and thrilled, but I'm not tragically sad. Maybe because I'm just so busy with the beginning of school and highly stressed (we won't talk about today's bp reading). Hearing the news from Dr. T was much more confirming and sensible to me. He didn't seem overly concerned but more matter-of-fact and try, try again. After all, Dr. T's the one who has told me that my body killed my 2nd baby, called with dropping betas, turned me into a silver-legged robot, took multiple party pics, hosted more than enough hoo ha parties, etc. As Rain Man would say, "Yeah. Dr. T is my main man. Yeah. K-Mart sucks and so does IF."

No more news than that. We'll see what next month holds!

Do you see what I see?

I'm not crazy.

Two OPKs, both with lines, even DH saw the lines. I am not insane. See?

And Then Came Nurse Excellent

The next best thing to Dr. Terrific is Nurse Excellent! You know how I've said more than once (or a thousand times) that I have to listen to my gut instinct because it never steers me wrong? Well, I'm doing that.

I called Nurse E and left her a voice mail to call me. She's so excellent that she called me back after reviewing my chart from three hours ago and before leaving the office today. I told her my dilemma. Did I even share it with all of you? Okay . . .

I've been using the CBE Digitial OPKs. You know, the "OPKing for Dummies" ones with smiley faces so I don't have to question the lines. Well, I poas this morning and did not get a smiley face. When I pulled out the stick, there was a second line. (Insert my irrational, crazy thoughts that I could be pg here. Gawd, I'm insane.)

The short story (after giving poor Nurse E who I even called yesterday - the long story) is that since I haven't really gotten a + OPK and I should keep peeing until I do. Nurse E said that follies can grow about 2mm per day, which would put my presently crappy follies at maturity by Wednesday or Thursday. (ETA: I'm not sure of the three measurements I got, but I know one is 15.9. Nurse is calling that "16" for all intents & purposes. We are hoping it grows up to be a 20 in the next couple of days.) Once I get the smiley face positive, call the office, have Dr. T do another FMS (follice maturation scan), then IUI if they look good. Nurse Excellent agrees that we need to be aggressive here in this TTC thing. If not this cycle, then we up the meds (crap) next cycle and try again.

So . . . not all hope is lost . . . at least not yet. I still think I'm a freaking nutcase for even having hope in the first place. Nurse E and I came to conensus that Dr. T shall not take vacation from here on out until I am pg, throughout my (hopefully continual) pg, and until he delivers my baby. So there. Both Young Dr. R, Nurse E, and my IF pseudo doc Mrs. B told me to have wine tonight.

And that I shall do.

Learning to Live with Disappointment

No IUI. You'd think I'd have figured out by now that hope is just for people that live in fairy tales.

I had three good follicles between both ovaries, but they didn't measure up. Slackers. My lining was trilaminar (3-layered, looked great) but what the hell does that matter? Oooo, Mrs. Rambler . . . what lovely lining you have! Too bad your follies are a bunch of crap.

Dr. T was out today, so I got Young Dr. R. He was nice & all, but nobody compares to Dr. T. Plus the term "young" is relative. He's probably my age, maybe a few years older, but younger than the average experienced doc. Young Dr. R recommended TI and then up the Femara for next cycle and do IUI. Whatever.

I'm disappointed. Please don't tell me there is always next month or try to blow sunshine up my ass. I wanted THIS month because I know my fertility (or lack thereof) doesn't have many months left.

Follie Scan Tomorrow

Time to break out the dildo cam . . . it's another hooha party! I tried to sneak in get in today, but Dr. T is out of town. :/ This is where the challenging part comes in since I start back to school tomorrow morning at 8am. Guess all I have to do is start to tell my principal details to get away quickly!

I am VERY bloated, crampy, nauseous, and still have the stabbing sensations on my bowling ball ovaries - mainly that bratty left one. Send your bigass follicle dust this way please! I hope the B.I. (big insemination!) is almost here.

Also, my Stevie-dog made it to Round 3 of the Cutest Dog Competition! He'd appreciate your vote by clicking on his cute face in the sidebar or clicking here. Don't forget that you can vote every day!!

Ovulation Caught on Camera

Have you seen this article? It was published by the BBC last summer, and it's absolutely fascinating! You'll also see four photos that show ovulation taking place.

I'm imagining my ovaries having tons of follicles producing thousands of eggs. Only that could explain the stabbing sensations my ovaries are giving me right now. Still no :) on the OPK, but my dream last night said I'm ready AND I'm winning a car!

A WEEK OF FIRSTS

This is going to be a long one, but it will be worth it. Seriously . . . keep reading. You'll be so jealous!

A FIRST: I assume these exploding bowling balls in my very lowest abdomen are my oh very, "oh varies." Geez, Louise! If said bowling balls aren't exploding, they are being thrown around, polished, jackhammered, and before being detonated. The crampiness has me running to the bathroom a lot thinking I need to go, and I don't. Craziness.

A FIRST: My cousin & friend, Laurie, who runs the Frat House has a simple request for me and Dr. T. She wants party pics from my follie scan. Her nightly dreams of my my little bigass follies being explored by the famous dildo cam almost makes me wonder if she's wanting to be a part of my next hooha party. hahaha! I'll see what I can do about pics, Laurie. I promise.

A FIRST: I've been poas or piac for OPKs. Been out of bed at 7am three days in a row (and I'm TIRED!). My VERY first OPK experience was interesting. I pulled it out of the box thinking it was just like poas - hpt, and I desperately held that FMU without bursting. That's when I figured it out this would be a bit complicated. My potty dance ensued. Then I dropped the OPK thingy and it broke apart on the floor. Trying not to drown the bathroom floor and cry in grief, I picked it up and popped it back together. WHEW! I couldn't get too happy because I.really.needed.to.pee. I figured it all out pretty quickly, piac, put in the opk stick, and got a blank circle. Well, at least I rehearsed for next time.

Now, prepare to meet your green-eyed jealousy monster:

A FIRST: Best of all . . . Katie & Maria are here! Be jealous - go ahead!!! They aren't staying at my house (probably because the thought of my constant rambling scares them), but I finally met them IN PERSON yesterday. We met at the Dallas World Aquarium and had such a great time. Luckily, I had my niece (Aeva, 6) and nephew (Will, 2) with me (having both of them was A FIRST). The kids provided a nice distraction so I didn't break down crying when I met and hugged my friends for the very first time. I also finally got to meet Patty, (Katie's mom), EJ (Maria's cutiepie that I'm going to babynap), and Linda (Maria's mom). Love every single one of them.

It was such a cool moment when I actually looked the eyes of Katie and Maria for the first time. It wasn't that I was meeting strangers. It was seeing old friends again. I obviously can't explain it very well. I did, however, tell Katie last night how I hoped that I didn't come across as off-standish. I really felt like I was hanging out with old friends, and I was so comfortable with them. Good thing since I was sweating like a whore in church walking through the aquarium's rainforest! Our time together didn't include a lot of conversation since I was chasing Aeva & Will and they were also busy helping me wrangle them. It was wonderful, nonetheless. Wish I could put it into words better than this. A FIRST: the Rambler not coming up with words!

Here are a few photos that I took on my crappy, white-trash, rubber-banded, crappy, half-broken, point & shoot camera. (Can you tell I want a digital SLR?!) I'll share good pics Katie took with her fancy-schmancy camera later.




Tomorrow, the whole gang is coming by to pick me up for our day of fun. Mindy, Mackey, Pippin & Steve are looking forward to meeting Harley & Jersey's mom and Jimmy's mom (A FIRST). We're going all touristy and going to Southfork Ranch (A FIRST) and a Texas-style lunch at Love & War in Texas before Mr. Rambler and I head to Patty's for a pool party tomorrow night. Katie's making her famous cupcakes and I can't wait to finally try ten one of her cupcakes (A FIRST). Although I haven't had a drop of alcohol since CD1, I might have to partake just a tad tomorrow to celebrate. What can I say? I'm always up for the party. :) It will be another awesome day!

So . . . between my oh very bowling ball oh-varies, needing follie party pics for Laurie, doing the OPKs, finally meeting Katie & Maria (love love love), having Aeva & Will for the first time ever, and not having much sleep lately . . . it's been an wonderful and interesting week of FIRSTS!

I'll keep you posted for that glorious day that I see the :) on my opk & go for the follie scan. Breathe. Breathe again. Don't forget to breathe.

Diary Day Five

Last day of Femara. Didn't choke on it. No sharp ovary stabbings. Headache & bloating. Got a pedicure. Getting inseminated next week. EEK!

The End.

Diary Day Four

My "Oh Very Left O-vary" is making its presence known today. Nothing like a stabbing sensation in your lower parts to remind you of what's ahead. As long as it doesn't go OHSS on me (which I don't think it can on Femara), is producing all sorts of big bad follies, and pops out a bunch of super-eggs . . . I can handle it. It feels better if I don' t laugh or cough or breathe heavy or move though. Still, this is a piece of cake.

One more day to swallow $5 and peeing on sticks worth over $5 to come. I know my Femara diary isn't very exciting, but so goes my life today.

Show & Tell: Swallowing $5 a Day

Today's Show and Tell involves a little diary action and a couple of stupid photos. :) For those of you that keep up & can count (shout out NoVa!), I am taking the Femara now. It's been pretty uneventful, though.

My Femara Diary by kekis

Day 0 - get Rx filled at $25 for 5 pills - that's WITH insurance, quit drinking alcohol, taught my hair lady (who takes Femara for breast cancer) why she needed bc shots while on her drugs

Day 1 - such a tiny little pill, that thing was $5?, careful not to drop it down the sink, little pill actually gets stuck in my throat, cough it out and take it again, this better pack a BIG punch, no s/e so far . . . I have deep lines in my palm, huh? (Can anyone read my palm & see a baby/babies?)


Day 2 - little cold sweats while grocery shopping, emotional & crying just because, feeling clingy, cuddle w/ Steve since DH won't snuggle with me all day long, DH sighs & shakes his head, finally cuddles with me at bedtime, I cry some more, dry off DH's shoulder & chest, go to sleep

Day 3 - TIRED, slept 9 hours, woke up, wanted nap an hour later, got nails done (not that it has to do w/ Femara but I did), took early evening nap, still exhausted, gassy, feeling the ovaries, learned DH is NOT a girl. While some can keep up with my daily activities (shout out again NoVa!), DH doesn't even remember that I'm taking meds and when. Checked s/e of medication & it said "tiredness." I believe it.

Days 4 & 5 - coming! If it continues like this, nnoooo problem! DH going out of town tomorrow. Luckily it's not because of me. At least that's what he says. :) I get to start peeing on sticks (opks) in one week. This better work . . .

IT'S A . . .

. . . Blog Award!

(Silly readers, you didn't think I was going to say BABY, did you? ha!)

Deb at the wonderful Waiting on Life Part Two recently bestowed upon me the lovely "One Lovely Blog Award" award.



The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered*. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

* The blogs I list aren't really newly discovered, but I am happy to pass this on to the lovely bloggers listed below. They have been some of my biggest supporters thus far, even though I know I am forgetting a couple of people! I'm going to break the rules & not contact the bloggers just to see if they actually read my blog. Yep, I'm just crazy like that.

A Tale of Two Coins
All Tuckered Out
Blessings from Above
Bunches of Burches
Dear Gherkin
Eternally Waiting
Fertile Hope
The Happy Hours
I Did, I Do, I Will
Joyce's Blog
Life in the Frat House
No Swimmers
One of the Lucky Ones
Roubinek Reality
Will They Have His Eyes?
Woman Anyone?

Regaining & Returning

It's been one year, four months, a couple of weeks, and several days since I was last pregnant.

In the past sixteen plus months, I have regained myself to some effect. I'm slowly (very slowly) returning to ME. I used to be such a passionate, loving, carefree, funny, somewhat confident, gregarious, ready person. That was all taken with my babies.

However, I am now (after much time ) finally able to smile, laugh, and even experience joy at times. There are times that I sincerely laugh, and I even almost conscientiously forget the pain while laughing and trying to enjoy what life has to offer. It's almost like the laughter helps release some of the pain from my soul. After losing our first three babies in the first year of our marriage, I NEVER thought that would be possible. Never. Ever.

There are also times when I can talk to people (mainly women), and I share our struggles while feeling like maybe this was my purpose. I know deep in my soul that God has purposed me for something. While I NEVER in my life imagined my purpose would entail the pain I have endured through RPL and IF, I see now that God wants me to share with others. Our struggles, our pain, our diagnoses, our decisions, and our heartache might have actually been God's plan for us to share mercy with others. It needs to be shared with others because there are so many out there who feel as if they are suffering alone. They feel as if nobody has ever been through what they are enduring right now. And, worst of all, they feel alone. I know how they feel. Many of you reading know how they feel. They need to know that they aren't the only ones. They are not alone. There are MANY MANY MANY MANY of us out here. They are not allowed to be alone. Well, at least not for long. I'm here with them all. We all are.

And then again, I may be crazy. Today is CD1. AF is kicking my ass. The hell-cramps are killing me. Seriously kicking my ass. AF's cruel, evil, crampy ways forced me to drink large amounts of wine tonight while hanging with my neighborhood friends. Yes, I blame it on her. The wine with friends doesn't take away the hell-cramp pain. The worst part of all - it doesn't take away the pain of RPL. It doesn't take away the pain that IF has brought me since then. It does, however, bring me to meet yet another woman who has miscarried before. And another woman that has found a successful pg. And even another one who (through IVF) had her baby today. Ladies that can bring me a little bit of hope. And then there is, yet another one, who verbalized the fact that once things settle down, "it will happpen" making me feel a bit deflated and alone - again. Thank goodness my friends Chardonnay and Merlot are still around. Plus, their friends Lay's and Planter's. Good, familiar, and salty forever friends. Of course, there is the stubborn rebounding person that is me. I get through it again.

I've survived (key word: survived) three miscarriages - that's three dead babies. And I'd like to keep it at that. I have become more of me in the past months. I get out of bed. I get dressed. I even shower. I step out the front door. I go out in public. I smile. I talk. I laugh. I spend time with family & friends. I talk about our past. I talk about the hopes for our future. I even walk through the freaking baby department at Target. For some reason, I actually hold on to hope. I endure.

I guess the scariest part of this is that the future is unsure. I'm a woman who thrives on plans and guarantees. I'm great at following through with promises. Promise me something; I'll see it through with you. I'm fiercely loyal in that way - although it's bit me in the ass more than several times before. Plus, my OCD tendencies kick into high gear whenever I'm uncertain, out of control, and scared.

And then I remember.

Things don't go well when I'm pregnant. I get pregnant - woohooo! I start spotting at 6w3d - uhoh. I kill babies in the 8th week - oh God.

So what if I go through the Femara, have the IUI, get pregnant, spot at 6w3d, and lose the baby? Do I go back to square one? Do I go back to where I was? Do I have to spend another year in the black hole - crying, rocking myself, losing hair, bleeding to death, dealing with hormones, losing who I am, explaining it all, crying some more, and falling back to where I have been before? Do I drag my wonderful husband through it all again?

I just worry that the Femara & IUI work fabulously, only to disappoint and reject us again. Where will I go from there?

Is it worth it? Yes.

Having a baby? Of course it is worth it. Most definitely.

Losing another baby? I don't know.

God forbid things work well and we lose it later in the pregnancy. I don't know if I can survive it again. Was I really made to lose baby after baby after baby? I mean . . . hell . . . I've already lost more babies than some women actually deliver. Is that my fate? I've done it before. Have I really done so many terrible, crappy things in my life to deserve it AGAIN? And have I done so many terrible things that my HUSBAND has to endure it all again & again? That's not fair to him.

So that is where my conflict lies right now. Conflict or not, I have to make decisions. Decisions that are best for me. My husband. Our present family. And our future family.

I don't want to go through the pain again. God, please no. But I guess we have to take the risk - again - to see if we actually are blessed to reap the rewards.

I look behind and look ahead. I look back and think, "There is NO WAY that we want to go through that again." Then I stop and think, "There's not way that we can NOT try again. We need and deserve to have children of our own - to have a family."

And then I freak out again.

CD1. Femara in two days. OPKs in 8 days. IUI soon after.. HPT when it comes. And a pregnancy - up to God. Lovenox, all the sonos, more meds, the appointments, the perinatologist, the injections. I'm scared, excited, hesitant, worried, ready, prepared, panicked, breathless, petrified, and just doing it. Winners don't gain by being chicken. I pray that we are not the chickens that get slaughtered.

I'm slowly regaining myself and returning to me. Oh God, what's next?

IF Makes You Crazy

Yes, it's another posting about how infertility can make you a crazy person. Case in point:

I was sitting up in bed while playing around on my laptop. My upper thigh - into my groin - area felt like it was hot. I moved my laptop a couple of times thinking it was from the battery. Then I figured it out. The top of my thigh was asleep. That's when I became crazy IF person.

I thought, "Wow. That's never happened before. Guess that's what an epidural might feel like."

Hi, my name is kekis, and I'm a crazy infertile woman.

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