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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Regaining & Returning

It's been one year, four months, a couple of weeks, and several days since I was last pregnant.

In the past sixteen plus months, I have regained myself to some effect. I'm slowly (very slowly) returning to ME. I used to be such a passionate, loving, carefree, funny, somewhat confident, gregarious, ready person. That was all taken with my babies.

However, I am now (after much time ) finally able to smile, laugh, and even experience joy at times. There are times that I sincerely laugh, and I even almost conscientiously forget the pain while laughing and trying to enjoy what life has to offer. It's almost like the laughter helps release some of the pain from my soul. After losing our first three babies in the first year of our marriage, I NEVER thought that would be possible. Never. Ever.

There are also times when I can talk to people (mainly women), and I share our struggles while feeling like maybe this was my purpose. I know deep in my soul that God has purposed me for something. While I NEVER in my life imagined my purpose would entail the pain I have endured through RPL and IF, I see now that God wants me to share with others. Our struggles, our pain, our diagnoses, our decisions, and our heartache might have actually been God's plan for us to share mercy with others. It needs to be shared with others because there are so many out there who feel as if they are suffering alone. They feel as if nobody has ever been through what they are enduring right now. And, worst of all, they feel alone. I know how they feel. Many of you reading know how they feel. They need to know that they aren't the only ones. They are not alone. There are MANY MANY MANY MANY of us out here. They are not allowed to be alone. Well, at least not for long. I'm here with them all. We all are.

And then again, I may be crazy. Today is CD1. AF is kicking my ass. The hell-cramps are killing me. Seriously kicking my ass. AF's cruel, evil, crampy ways forced me to drink large amounts of wine tonight while hanging with my neighborhood friends. Yes, I blame it on her. The wine with friends doesn't take away the hell-cramp pain. The worst part of all - it doesn't take away the pain of RPL. It doesn't take away the pain that IF has brought me since then. It does, however, bring me to meet yet another woman who has miscarried before. And another woman that has found a successful pg. And even another one who (through IVF) had her baby today. Ladies that can bring me a little bit of hope. And then there is, yet another one, who verbalized the fact that once things settle down, "it will happpen" making me feel a bit deflated and alone - again. Thank goodness my friends Chardonnay and Merlot are still around. Plus, their friends Lay's and Planter's. Good, familiar, and salty forever friends. Of course, there is the stubborn rebounding person that is me. I get through it again.

I've survived (key word: survived) three miscarriages - that's three dead babies. And I'd like to keep it at that. I have become more of me in the past months. I get out of bed. I get dressed. I even shower. I step out the front door. I go out in public. I smile. I talk. I laugh. I spend time with family & friends. I talk about our past. I talk about the hopes for our future. I even walk through the freaking baby department at Target. For some reason, I actually hold on to hope. I endure.
I guess the scariest part of this is that the future is unsure. I'm a woman who thrives on plans and guarantees. I'm great at following through with promises. Promise me something; I'll see it through with you. I'm fiercely loyal in that way - although it's bit me in the ass more than several times before. Plus, my OCD tendencies kick into high gear whenever I'm uncertain, out of control, and scared.

And then I remember.

Things don't go well when I'm pregnant. I get pregnant - woohooo! I start spotting at 6w3d - uhoh. I kill babies in the 8th week - oh God.

So what if I go through the Femara, have the IUI, get pregnant, spot at 6w3d, and lose the baby? Do I go back to square one? Do I go back to where I was? Do I have to spend another year in the black hole - crying, rocking myself, losing hair, bleeding to death, dealing with hormones, losing who I am, explaining it all, crying some more, and falling back to where I have been before? Do I drag my wonderful husband through it all again?

I just worry that the Femara & IUI work fabulously, only to disappoint and reject us again. Where will I go from there?

Is it worth it? Yes.

Having a baby? Of course it is worth it. Most definitely.

Losing another baby? I don't know.

God forbid things work well and we lose it later in the pregnancy. I don't know if I can survive it again. Was I really made to lose baby after baby after baby? I mean . . . hell . . . I've already lost more babies than some women actually deliver. Is that my fate? I've done it before. Have I really done so many terrible, crappy things in my life to deserve it AGAIN? And have I done so many terrible things that my HUSBAND has to endure it all again & again? That's not fair to him.

So that is where my conflict lies right now. Conflict or not, I have to make decisions. Decisions that are best for me. My husband. Our present family. And our future family.

I don't want to go through the pain again. God, please no. But I guess we have to take the risk - again - to see if we actually are blessed to reap the rewards.

I look behind and look ahead. I look back and think, "There is NO WAY that we want to go through that again." Then I stop and think, "There's not way that we can NOT try again. We need and deserve to have children of our own - to have a family."

And then I freak out again.

CD1. Femara in two days. OPKs in 8 days. IUI soon after.. HPT when it comes. And a pregnancy - up to God. Lovenox, all the sonos, more meds, the appointments, the perinatologist, the injections. I'm scared, excited, hesitant, worried, ready, prepared, panicked, breathless, petrified, and just doing it. Winners don't gain by being chicken. I pray that we are not the chickens that get slaughtered.

I'm slowly regaining myself and returning to me. Oh God, what's next?


Kim said...

I won't even pretend to say "I know how you feel" because I don't. But I will tell you that our God is a wonderful God! You know that already. He does have a plan and a greater purpose. Hang in there, and know there are people out there praying for you, come what may!

WiseGuy said...

Oh Kekis, I so hear you out in the post. My journey has been less sordid than the amount of pain you have been through, but I have stood emtur-armed for long. And I know. And I feel.

I want you to go with a lot of hope into this cycle. Good Luck with the IUI.

All the best!

Katie Cupcake said...

I can't wait to give you a real hug next week. And if you need someone to interpret your OPK..ya know we will be there for you (ok that is not something I ever thought I would write) :) Love you!

Cheryl said...

I was blessed to never have to walk the road you are on. I am sorry for how you feel. I will pray for you and your husband through this, no matter what road you choose.


NoVaIrish said...

I can't make you any promises that "it will be ok" even though I wish I could. I can, and I do, promise to be there to virtually hold your hand no matter what comes next on this journey.


Shanny said...

Finding one's self is so tough, I'm still struggling with that so I don't know how to get there, but to find ourselves and then lose ourselves again I can imagine is much much worse.

After all of your heartbreaks I trully hope that this plan is your answer and that you can have a successful pregnancy. I don't think I know anyone that deserves it more than you and I will be praying that it does happen. I have to believe that everything will be fine and I refuse to think otherwise, it would be too cruel.

GL my dear!
:::crossing fingers and toes for you:::

Kelli said...

My heart breaks for you reading this post. I am scared to put my husband and family through another pregnancy and I have only lost one (so far.) Something I go back to, and I hope this is helpful, is what another nestie said to me once. She also had a m/c but it was her MIL's journey that was most inspiring. Her MIL had a child and then proceeded to lose several (I want to say 5-7 babies, some early and some late losses.) The 8th baby stuck and turned out to be the nestie's husband. I can't imagine going through that many losses but she ended up with another healthy baby. Having your child's spouse thank you for continuing the journey would be an amazing thing. I hope my child's spouse gets to do that someday as well. Big hugs to you. I hope everything turns out beautifully in the coming weeks.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

What's next? A baby.

Sadly, I think I am one of the few women who knows exactly how you feel. Three dead babies makes it hard to move forward with hope that there won't be a fourth dead one. But I want to give you encouragement that the fourth will not only survive, but it will thrive. You have new "tools" like Lovenox (and my lucky Heparin) to make a different outcome this time. I don't think I would have tried for my fourth if I didn't have Lovenox.

I know how hard it is to think anything will be different. After all, the definition of insanity is doing things the same repeatedly and expecting a different outcome. But IF is a whole different world and we make our own rules in it.

Katie and I will help you read those OPK's if you need us to next week and we'll be there to help in any other way we can.

I could ramble on for days, but as long as you are willing to continue with hope I am going to be right here supporting you. And I have my lucky "fourth" sitting in my lap as proof that the fourth time really can be the charm.

I hope in nine months you can use my tag-line...My body betrayed me. I fought back. And I won.

Anonymous said...

There is no cyrstal ball, no easy answer, but you are strong, you will persevere.

Deb said...

I am sorry that you are going through this. I remember asking myself the same questions when I decided to stop IVF and adopt. I just couldn't stand the thought of more loss.

I wish I had some advice that would make it easier on you. The sermon this week, and I don't quote sermons or anything else religious much, but I could identify with this one. The gist was to try and seek out God's way and not our own. I can't tell you how often I've not looked to Him for guidance and just looked for answers within myself. Maybe with these hard questions looming, He may have the answers you are looking for.

Take care and tons of ((((hugs))))

Newt said...

What a heart-wrenching, true true post. It takes a lot of courage to face a pregnancy once you've seen the other side. I hope it helps to know we're all out here pulling for you. Hope hope hope.

Infertile In the City said...

I have no idea what it is like to miscarry 3 times (in our almost 5 years of trying to have a family I have never been pregnant). But I do not what it is like to wonder how much I can take, a diagnosis of beyond severe endo, followed by a diagnosis of a crap uterus (lining only grows to 3mm) to having to work with a surrogate, to finding a crazy surrogate who gets pregnant then miscarries to now. Starting all over again, new GS, new IVF cycle, and me sticking myself with needles again.
You will surprise yourself with how much you can take, and to what lengths you will go, I know I am surprising myself everyday.

Janna said...

My heart hurts for you!! What I find so inspiring is how you have looked at the journey you've been placed on, and you're able to find the good admidst the horribly painful. I believe that God works all things for the good of those who love him, and I know that He will carry you through every day that is ahead! The future is unknown, but when I was in the thick of our losses I found great comfort in the fact that I wasn't alone and I had God to carry me when I didn't have the strength to stand on my own. I will be praying for you, hoping that the Lord will bless you with a precious baby in your arms!!!

Amanda said...

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog, but I read everyday. I also started yet another cycle yesterday and I've lost count of just what number cycle it is. I've had 2 m/c in the past 14 months and diagnosed with factor V leiden. It is so hard to keep your hope on this roller coaster. Your post says EXACTLY how I feel. Its amazing how much this experience can change you and no one understands that but those of us who've been through it. I'm praying for you, and so many others everyday.

Juicy said...

oh, all the stress and worry and I just wish I could give you hugs. :( You're always in my good thought pile, kekis! Always always.

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