Subtle Mind-Reading

Me to DH:  "Honey, on my way home today I figured out that we don't have a baby yet because God knows we don't have a place for it to sleep."

DH: "Okay.  Are you trying to say something?"

Me: "Nope.  We don't even have a way to get baby home anyway."

:)  Men call it mind-reading.  We call it subtle hints.

How The Tables Turn

At dinner last night, I told DH we really need to buy the baby basics.  His reply?

"Mmm . . . I dunno."

HUH?

When I asked him what he meant, he said, "Well, you know, I just worry about karma."

Who is this cool-footed man eating dinner with me?  Isn't he the one who mentioned adoption YEARS ago?  Is he not the one who thought this was a great idea because he was worried about me and my mental & physical health?  Oh, how the tables have turned.

So, in true faithful, hopeful fashion I shared with him what our agency owner said to me, "Oh honey . . . we're adopting.  Everyone gets a baby!  It'll be okay."

And dammit, I want to order baby stuff.  NOW.  :)

Itchy-Scratchy

My stomach is itching like crazy!!!  And not just my incision sites which are covered in dermabond/glue anyway.   The areas around my incisions, the bruises, my bikini line where they shaved me more than I had shave & even the parts of my stomach that I haven't been able to feel since my surgery.

I feel like my pup, Steve, when he rolls on his back waiting for belly scratches.  Goodness knows he owes me scratches, but he'd probably severely injure me!

Other than itching, I'm slowly recovering.  Luckily a lot of my bloating is gone.  I'm still sore & even sore in places I wasn't before.  Bending is still a challenge and I can still easily overdo it if I move around much.  I started hormones the day after surgery and I suppose they are working.

My post-op with Dr. T is tomorrow, so maybe he'll have some insight as to why I've got the itches and explain what I'm seeing when I look at the nasty pics of the guts known as my former reproductive system.

ps - Don't look up "itchy" images on the interwebz.  SO GROSS.

Bequeathing

From the looks of what I cleaned out of the bathroom cabinet today, one would surmise that (1) I'm a hoarder of all things feminine product-related, (2) I was preparing for the AF Armageddon, or (3) both.  The correct answer is probably #3!  I will admit to throwing away two packs of applicators and three chucks.  I did keep one new box of pantiliners because, hey, I DO have a cervix ya know.

It is time for me to bequeath the multiple boxes of pads, pantiliners, tampons, OPKs, and HPTs.  I am going to offer my maid the sanitary product stuff.  She just had yet another baby and can probably use it or give it to other needy women.  The OPKs and HPTs are going to my friend, Jenn.  Damn.  I really should auction all of it off and make some money.  Ha!!!

As for my recovery, it's slow.  I'm feeling okay but still very sore and weak.  Doesn't take much to slow me down.  It's a bit frustrating but I'll survive.  Still kinda weird to think about it . . . I don't have a uterus.  No ovaries.  No tubes.  I had my entire reproductive system ripped out.  Don't worry, though.  I'm still checking tp like something is actually going to be there!

Three Days Later and . . .

It's only been three days since my hysterectomy and I'm bored.  I overdid it on Tuesday (day of surgery) and Wednesday.  Wednesday night I hit a wall and DH was not happy about it.  I ended up in tears and pain.  I rested more yesterday and had a fever before going to bed.  I rested more today and my incision sites were oozing (gross).   I'm feeling okay other than the huge bloating and the fact I can't bend, stretch, reach or move quickly.  When I sleep, I sleep HARD.  I'd love to take a pain pill and go to sleep right now, but I think I've already built up a tolerance to one of my meds.    Gotta wait another 90 minutes before I take the next one.

Thankfully I've had family and friends come visit me and bring food and call and send cards and email, but I'm bored when nobody is here.  FB and TB and Pinterest can only entertain me for so long.

Now, if I didn't *have* to sit around doing nothing, I'd love it of course.  I'm not physically able/ready to go back to work on Monday, so I will rest according to DH's orders and see how it goes next week.  I'm RRREEEALLLLYYYY wanting to buy baby stuff while I'm sitting around.  Sounds like a bad joke, huh?  "So, there was this girl who had no uterus who was shopping online for baby stuff . . . "

Just wanted to ramble and that I did.  More to come I'm sure.  Off to find more crappy TV.

Post-Hysterectomy Fashion

Thank goodness nothing was saved, so I don't have to make fashion decisions.  I'm good with my new jammies.

There is some funny stuff out there, folks.  Funny stuff!

"Big, Ugly Uterus"

"Big, Ugly Uterus.  You did great, sweet girl."  That's all I remember Dr. T saying to me in recovery.

After a yucky night after questionable late-afternoon sushi, DH and I woke up EARLY and showed up at the hospital way before the butt-crack of dawn.  I was ready - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  After checking in with the front desk, I literally, financially, and figuratively signed my life away.  Lots of adverbs here.  Guess it was a adverbial kind of day.

Not long after arriving, I was taken into pre-op.  The highlight of my day?  PIAC.  Seriously??!?  A pregnancy test?!  Thank you for having the infertile pee one last proverbial pee before ripping out all possibilities of reproduction.  Don't think I wouldn't bring it up with Dr. T!  I had to shake my head, laugh, and give her enough drops to dip the stick.  The nurse was on her own for that one!

I confirmed that I am who I am and have a birthday that I have.  Confirmed I was having a complete laparoscopic supracervical hysterectomy which would be done through two abdominal incisions and one in through navel.  (here's a video of the surgery)  The surgery removed my uterus, tubes, and ovaries while leaving my cervix intact.  I stripped down and changed into the awesome Bair Paws gown that hooks up to a reverse vacuum tube which blows warm or cool air into my gown.  I LOVE that thing!  It also comes with cute matching socks.  It's the little things, huh?  Compression instruments were placed on my legs, so I got a little calf massage before we began.  IV was placed.  They asked about previous surgeries, medications, made sure I didn't have anything removable in my body, and everything else.  At that time, I was wishing I would've worn a sandwich board portraying my Rain Man Serious Injury List.  While I waited, I flipped through a PBK catalog DH gave me and commented how I liked some of their stuff and how it was overpriced.  Made some nursery notes though because I really like their floor rugs.  How cool is it that I can have a hysterectomy and baby shop in the same day?  Adoption rocks.  :)

Dr. T came into pre-op and we went over random surgery stuff. (Yes, I mentioned the piac.  Protocol.  Whatever.)  The anesthesiologist came in and gave me the good stuff.  Then into the OR.  I was a tad loopy but looked around, seeing the large instruments that would be jabbed into my body.  Dr. T & the drug man were talking, the nurses were talking.  Soon after the drug man (always my favorite dude of the day) placed a mask on my face and told me by the fourth breath I'd be asleep.  And I was.  However, I do remember at some point before fading away that Dr. T was standing to my side, one hand on my shoulder and one near my hip maybe.  I truly think he was praying over me.  While I plan to ask him about it, and whether it happened or not, it gave me comfort and I'm thankful for it.

A couple of hours later, Dr. T met with DH.  He explained things and provided party pics.  Wanna see 'em?  They're sssoooooo gross!  My mom, the nurse, saw them and said, "That is not what those things are supposed to look like!"   No shit since that's what they felt like!  I recovered in post-op fairly well and fairly quickly, DH bringing me home by about 3:00pm yesterday.  I am VERY sore, VERY bloated, and VERY dry.  My "stab" wounds from the laparascopic portion of the surgery are icky and extremely bruised.  I truly feel like I've been in a knife fight.  Not sure if I won or lost but pills and a fairly new nasal spray for pain are helping some.

Dr. T called late yesterday afternoon & I missed his call.  Since he's so awesome, he told me to call him back on his cell and we were able to catch up.  My uterus was twice the size it should have been.  The adenomyosis and fibroids were severe enough that my uterus was basically unable to drain itself, causing the terrible periods of late.  My left ovary was embedded into my left pelvic wall and had some endo surrounding it.  Tubes looked fine, but what good were they when everything else was crap?

Now I recover.  I took the week off work and made sub plans for next week if I need them.  Last night brought visits from my sister, niece, and Mom; there is babysitting from my sister today; and so far lots of calls from other family and friends.  I feel like I'm in a good place.  IF didn't really beat me because I tore it out of the battle before it had the chance.  DH and I are going to be parents.  And THAT is what matters!

Thanks for being here for the ride.  Your comments, emails, prayers, thoughts, and rain dances mean so much to me.  Yes, I write for me but hearing from you makes it even more worthwhile.  No telling what the life will bring from here.  This blog will continue - whether you like it or not.  ;)  It gives me an outlet for my thoughts and feelings while keeping people in the loop of my world.  Guess I need a new blog look though.  I may work on it some this week or find someone who'd like to do it for free.  My focus will continue to help others in the battle of MC/RPL/IF while soon sharing my future family with you.  Yes, I will ramble on . . . and on . . . and on . . .

Until then, more pain drugs and a new laugh for DH (and yes I see the typo):

Word from the Wise

The day before major surgery, it is best not to try a new sushi place.

I have spoken.  Blech.

The Turnaround

On Friday, I was reading through the online forum which has carried me through wedding planning, being a newlywed, MC & PL, IF, and now into adoption.  Another girl there had posted that she is having a difficult time making that mental shift to adoption.  After I had my mini-meltdown (and a couple since) Thursday, I shared the following with her on Friday morning.  (Flip that hormone switch!)  As it's been proven to me over and over and over again:  After the grief, hope rises.

"Hi there - good to see you.  Making that mental shift to adoption will take some time, and that is OKAY.  I think any of us that have battled IF still carry our scars.  Some are fresher than others and some are deeper, but unfortunately we all have them.  Nobody can tell you what to do of course, but I recommend seeking out a counselor that specializes in infertility.

Thanks to resources offered by RESOLVE, I found one in my area and she was amazing.  I only saw her once, but that was exactly what I needed - someone who had been down my path and truly understood where I was.  She was also able to see where I would be someday, which is something I couldn't visualize at the time.

Yes, I still have moments of grief that creep up on me because I know that I will never be able to conceive, carry, or deliver a child.  I will never have the cute pregnant belly that I used to make as a pillow when I was little.  I won't be able to share DNA with another human other than my parents.

Even with all of that said, I WILL be a mom.  My husband WILL be the father of my children.  We will be parents and live and function as any other family out there.  I'll miss out on the experience of pregnancy and delivery, but I know the love I have for my child won't be anything less than that of a woman who bore her children.  If anything, my love will be a little more special I think.  And I can't wait!  Plus, as I tell my friends who are currently pregnant, I'll have my baby but "at least my vag won't get all torn up!"  :)

The Impossible

For the past several years, I've driven by the Destination Maternity store along the highway that takes me to and from work each day and thought, "I can't wait to walk in there and buy a cute maternity outfit for myself."  Through time it became more painful to drive by that store, yet I still kept that hope of buying that one overpriced maternity outfit for when my time came.

Well, Thursday's drive by caused a small break in the dam.  A chink appeared in my armor.  I literally looked over to see the store that's awaited me all this time . . . and began sobbing.  It only lasted a minute or so but it finally hit me with a finality that I've never quite felt until now.  I will NEVER be pregnant.  I will NEVER have a baby bump.  I will NEVER wear maternity clothes.  I will NEVER carry a baby.  I will NEVER feel a baby kick inside of me.  Nor will I have to announce to DH that I've gone into labor nor deliver a baby nor see the look on DH's face when our baby comes out of my body - not any of it.  It will be completely and totally impossible after Tuesday morning.  There is no miracle to be had.

(::insert the true insanity of this::  I know it wasn't possible for any of that to happen anyway, but as a female you always hang on to some strange, idiotic thread of hope that miracle might somehow come your way.)

I'm still crying some tears about that fact.  Call it hormones, exhaustion, stress, fear or a combination of it all (which it is), but I think I'm experiencing that final stage of grief.  I'm going through it and feeling it because I know it needs to happen.  I've learned on this path that it makes it worse for me to stuff all of the feelings until I explode.  Man, it feels weird.  I've been fighting this battle for what feels like so long.

That battle has ended.  It's finished.  It is truly over, even though I didn't get to win.  And I hate losing.

5 Days to Go

We're in the final countdown.  Got vampired today because ???? (Dr. T said).

Ready.
Nervous.
Want the house clean.
Don't want pain.
Want pain meds.
Worried.
Interested.
Wondering how long I'll be down.
Trying to prepare.
Finishing sub plans.
Thinking.

It's just weird.  All women are created by God to bear children.  I've never done that.  I never will (especially after Tuesday).  It's not that I even can create and carry and bear a child (stupid body), but it just feels kinda strange.  Hope and pray that a selfless woman will at least give me the opportunity to be a Mom.

Going Out with A Bang

This post is not for the faint of heart or sensitive of ears.

In true "I'm a bitchy, bum ute" fashion, she's going out with a bang.  True vengeance as if she knows her fate next week.  My final period.  Ever.  And it's a mutherfucker.

At the risk of grossing out half the world (ha! like I've ever cared), here's my rendition of why I don't want to do this I'm not doing this anymore:
My periods have become ridiculous.  I am known for having a high tolerance of pain (even on pain meds & anesthesia), but the cramps now double me over at the drop of a hat.  Two hours is all it takes to flood a super-plus tampon, pantiliner, panties, and a pair of jeans while leaving prints of where I sit.  The clots are disgusting.  The GI issues (nausea, lack of appetite, increase of appetite, increased urination, diarrhea, and even hemorrhoids) are stupid too.  And did I tell you that this is my THIRD period like this in SIX WEEKS?  Yeah.  Stupid, I tell ya.

Get this mean, bloody bitch out of me.  Now.

I'm a goner.

An Adoption Story

I've always loved Kelly Moore camera bags (can’t afford them, but they’re so cute!) and came across this INCREDIBLE video about her recent adoption. The video and story are AMAZING. Wanted to share it with you now that I’ve cleaned myself up from all the tears.

Get Back in That OR!

My hysterectomy is scheduled for Tuesday, January 17 at the butt-crack of dawn.  Yes, my final, big, hoo-ha party with Dr. T other than the annual love fest.  I'm having a little bit of mixed emotions about it.  I'm *only* 43 and losing my entire reproductive system.  I will never have a bio child.  How crazy is that thinking?  Pretty nuts if you ask me.  Of course I will never have a bio child - I HAVE NO EGGS!

I'm also dreading surgery. Again.  Granted, I'm doing a laparoscopic hysterectomy and not full abdominal surgery but still . . .  the cost, the time, the anesthesia, the pain, the sub plans, the time off work, the cleanup at work after I return, the recovery, more cost, more pain . . . all of that doesn't make it fun.  It needs to be done.  The pain and flow and frequency of my periods is out of control.  Three bad periods in six weeks is a bit much, huh?

Oh well.  Let's rip that bitch out! 

Goodbye fibroids!
Goodbye adenomyosis! 
Goodbye endometriosis! 
Goodbye ugly bum ute! 
Goodbye tubes! (only things that wever worked)
Goodbye ovaries!  (dried up jerks)
Goodbye periods!  (BEST part of all!)

And hheeeelllllllloooooooo hormones!   Bring on the patch or pill or cream or gel!

Glad I'm having the lap hyst BEFORE we meet our baby!  I don't want to be a broken mommy.  :)

Forgot About These

When DH and I visited San Francisco a couple of years ago, we went into a little shop on Tiburon Island.  I saw these baby socks and HAD to have them.  They are SO CUTE and I can't wait to finally use them!

It's been fun dragging out all of the baby stuff I've had hidden for the past handful of years!