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Sunday, November 16, 2008

Show & Tell: Ramblings About #3


For today's Show & Tell, I would show a photo of my empty uterus. However, my most recent pics would have to be scanned, and I don't want anyone else up/in there taking pictures & doing stuff. So, you get emptiness. Close your eyes & see the darkness. See? That's right - there's nothing to see!

Tomorrow is EDD#3, and I don't even know what to say anymore. Little did I think that a year after we married that we would have experienced three losses. Little could I imagine that twenty months after we married that we wouldn't even be pregnant. Little did I know how badly it would hurt sometimes.

I seriously felt that we would struggle with getting pregnant. I truly never thought that we would have a miscarriage, much less three. I mentally prepared myself that we would need assistance conceiving and explained that to DH before we were even engaged. I know there are some, but there are few women over 40 that I know having (or trying to have) babies. Being AMA just puts us on the edge of the cliff of fertility.

I feel like everyone has found their success. Why not us? I rarely cry about it anymore because it does no good. I don't feel better after crying. I just feel lost sometimes, like I'm in a world of mommies and daddies and babies, and that we don't really belong here. It's as if we were dropped on the wrong planet; that we should be in the world of only the childless people. But that's definitely not the case. Children, families, pregnant women, and doting grandparents are all around us (but they are basically like a magnet to us). They just aren't us. We aren't one of them.

Dammit.

Oh, and Target has car seats on sale. And I want to buy one. Seriously????? Why would I ever need it?? I showed DH & he says "NO" to buying it. He probably thinks I'm certifiably insane now. (If there was ever any doubt.)

16 comments:

Aria said...

Hugs, Kristin! Thinking of you and Todd.

Newt said...

Thinking of you, Kekis. Those unfilled due dates are so cruel. I hope the ute is healing up and ready to go. Sending lots of hope and trust that your baby will come to you very soon.

Jess said...

(((hugs))) Know you're always in my thoughts and prayers. I will pass on what I always was told..."it WILL happen!" I know that doesn't bring any peace, but try to believe that little phrase when you are hurting and in the midst of darkness. I need to call you this week to hear how your post-op went.

kate said...

I can't even imagine how you're feeling but I do know that those anniversaries suck. I'm hoping that everything you've been going through lately leads to a healthy baby in that ute soon. (((hugs)))

JuliaS said...

I wish there was something I could say. I too had three losses in just several months and that was an extremely difficult time - even though I had losses later on too; that period of time dh and I still refer to as the "year of hell".

Sending you all my best wishes to you - I hope that you will find much happiness in the coming year.

KandiB said...

There's a little store by our house that sells used baby stuff. They park all the tricycles and strollers out front. I have to pass by it every day on my way to work. I have to admit that I've stopped by many times over the past two years...just pretending that we were in the market for something. Don't feel bad (or crazy) about the car seat. It means you have hope - which you should! hang in there!

Another Dreamer said...

(*hugs*) I'm so sorry for your losses.

I'm just about to come up on the EDD for my lost one, and am having a hard time with it too.

Thinking of you.

WiseGuy said...

Prayers... and a warm HUG coming right up!

Chelle said...

((BIG HUG))

I hope now that you are all cleaned out, you're ready to go. Sorry you are hurting.

Maria (MKC101103) said...

Sending you lots of hugs on this difficult day. Maybe Newt would share one of her cupcakes with you? :)

Jen said...

Hugs!

Those anniversaries suck. I never thought we would be where we are now either.

Sam said...

that round swirly thing was weird!! Hugs to you and will stop there before I say something totally inane and stupid!

Shannon said...

Im thinking of you (((hugs)))

Jess said...

Thinking of you Kristin. I'm so sorry life is so unfair!!! :::BIG HUGS:::

Lisa said...

Hi - de-lurking to say that I know what you mean - I thought it would be hard to get pregnant, not hard to stay pregnant. After two losses, well you know. Also, you made me laugh out loud about the car seat.

Deborah said...

Even though we have decided to move on to adoption, I still have a difficult time hearing from yet one more person that I've struggled with be successful. I hate feeling this way, I want to only feel happiness for them, they deserve it, but I can't help but also feel, why couldn't that have been me? It is a lonely feeling.

I will bring a baby home from the hospital one day, and so will you, that I can believe in! (((hugs)))

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