Beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. In the middle of setting up our gorgeous Christmas tree, it hit me. The tears became heavy in my eyes and began to fall. "I'm just so sad. We should be having our baby right now." There was no baby.
Again, he tried to comfort me but didn't really know how. Not for a lack of trying, though. There was usually no way to console me. "Maybe this time next year we'll have a baby." Nope. Not this year either.
I hesitated to say it again yesterday as we began putting up our gorgeous Christmas tree. Again we had beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. And it hit me again. This time, the tears didn't fall like last year. My eyes welled up with tears, but they didn't fall. It's not because I'm not sad. It's not because I don't have a large, open space in my heart waiting (longing) to be filled with our child. Maybe I just don't have any tears left. Or maybe it's because I don't know what's going to happen next year. Maybe it's because I don't know anything anymore.