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Saturday, November 29, 2008

This Time Next Year

Beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. In the middle of setting up our gorgeous Christmas tree, it hit me. The tears became heavy in my eyes and began to fall. "I'm just so sad. We should be having our baby right now." There was no baby.

Again, he tried to comfort me but didn't really know how. Not for a lack of trying, though. There was usually no way to console me. "Maybe this time next year we'll have a baby." Nope. Not this year either.

I hesitated to say it again yesterday as we began putting up our gorgeous Christmas tree. Again we had beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. And it hit me again. This time, the tears didn't fall like last year. My eyes welled up with tears, but they didn't fall. It's not because I'm not sad. It's not because I don't have a large, open space in my heart waiting (longing) to be filled with our child. Maybe I just don't have any tears left. Or maybe it's because I don't know what's going to happen next year. Maybe it's because I don't know anything anymore.


noswimmers said...

"This time next year...". How many times have we uttered that phrase?? Ugh...I'm so sorry.

Not sure I know a whole lot either.

Molly said...

Bless your heart....keeping you in my prayers!

Hal & Jenn said...

Ditto NoSwimmers... "This time next year..." Those are haunting words. But like you, I've found I don't speak them anymore, and I rarely think them anymore, except to remember how I used to say it with hope.

Not that I don't have hope. I have hope. You have hope. And even when it doesn't feel like it, we both still have tears to cry. They just don't fall as often as they used to. Maybe that's from the callous from the scars on our hearts.

Love you girl. (((Hugs)))

Jill said...

I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I loathe the holidays for this very reason. Try to hang in there and find happiness in what you do have. I know that is painful, but sometimes much easier than looking forward to the future. Good luck.

kate said...


Trish said...

We had a few "this time next years" as well.. Even looking at a Christmas that finally IS that year, the pain of the last few is still fresh in my mind.
I'm truly hoping that next year IS your year.
I wish I could give you a hug.

Tracy said...

You're never far from my thoughts, sweetie. Lots of prayers for your own baby to hurry and finish up his angel work in heaven. Come on, sweet baby. Your momma is waiting on you.

Wifezzilla said...

last year i bought some cards on sale at Target for 75% off. they are the kind that you inserrt a photo. that was january 2008, and i had been hopeful that this christmas i'd be sending out baby pictures with my christmas cards.

well, the cards are sitting in a box. i am wondering if i should keep them or give them away. i can't believe how hopeful i was when i bought them.

that said, have you checked out for 2+ years she and her husband were trying. she's now 35 weeks pregnant (after unexplained IF, and an IUI). and while i can't say that is a story that will make you feel better, it is a story that is all too familiar - months and months of trying along with months and months of disappointments. BUT, she's now having a baby and it's good to see that it DOES work out eventually. it's just a huge PITA waiting around for our time.

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