Do You Use Ebates?

Confession: I'm not a big coupon clipper. If it's really convenient, I'll clip it & take it with me. Usually Hobby Lobby, JoAnn's, or Michael's are the only stores that get my coupons. (A girl's gotta scrapbook!) DH used to be really good at clipping coupons, and I was many years ago, but not anymore. That needs to change now that I'm spending sometimes over $400/month on groceries. With the costs of trying to have a baby, we also need to save money in every possible way.

Well, ebates is awesome. It's a website that shows you tons of stores and whatever deals they currently have and then offers a % of your purchase back as a rebate. And lots of the stores have double rebates during the holidays! They also have double rebates for lots of stores and lots of free shipping offers. Wonder if they'll ever add any hospitals or medication discounts or IVF cost breaks? :) Anyway . . .

If you haven't signed up already -- you can use my referral ID by clicking here and we both get a $5 credit! Easy way to save for those of us who aren't good at deal hunting and coupon clipping! With the economy in its current state, everyone can use all the help we can get. Especially for those of us going broke due to infertility!

This Time Next Year

Beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. In the middle of setting up our gorgeous Christmas tree, it hit me. The tears became heavy in my eyes and began to fall. "I'm just so sad. We should be having our baby right now." There was no baby.

Again, he tried to comfort me but didn't really know how. Not for a lack of trying, though. There was usually no way to console me. "Maybe this time next year we'll have a baby." Nope. Not this year either.

I hesitated to say it again yesterday as we began putting up our gorgeous Christmas tree. Again we had beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. And it hit me again. This time, the tears didn't fall like last year. My eyes welled up with tears, but they didn't fall. It's not because I'm not sad. It's not because I don't have a large, open space in my heart waiting (longing) to be filled with our child. Maybe I just don't have any tears left. Or maybe it's because I don't know what's going to happen next year. Maybe it's because I don't know anything anymore.

Giving Thanks

Although this year has been full of ups & downs, I feel as if there are many reasons to give thanks. I am truly thankful for so many things.

I am thankful for my loving husband, our family, our friends, our pets, our home, our stable jobs, and more. I am thankful that technology has offered me the opportunity to journal my thoughts and experiences in order to help myself and hopefully help someone else. I am thankful that I have made new friends (IRL & OL) that have walked this journey with me thus far.

And while our home does not yet offer a pregnant waddling wife, a beaming father to be, a specially-created nursery, cries in the middle of the night for a feeding, the sounds of crawling knees and pitter patter of little feet, toys strewn about the house, and a family of more than two . . . I must still be thankful.

Psalm 106:1 Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. God has a plan for me - an amazing plan. While I often do not understand why God has me experience some of the things I do in life, I must trust in Him and be thankful to Him for giving me this life and providing me the blessings he has.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I know the holidays can be difficult for everyone. While Thanksgiving may be a time of joyous cooking, feasting, family, friends, and football, it can also be a day of misery and loneliness for others. No matter what your circumstances may be as you read this, I pray that you will find at least one thing that allows you to offer thanks. No matter how big or how small, you will find something for which you can offer your thanks each day. Please take the time to love yourself and remember there is always something worth living for and always one reason to give thanks even in those darkest days.

Blessings to you and yours.

Reminders

Thank you to the 1st Wishes company for sending me a catalog to plan my dead baby's first birthday. I've been so busy planning for the holidays that I forgot I'm supposed to be planning a first birthday party for the 1st weekend of December. Here's what I sent to the company:

Please remove the address below from your records immediately. I did not request one of your catalogs, as we had three miscarriages in the past year and have no living children. Thank you.

The auto response email said I'd get a response within 24 business hours. Yeah, let's see if I get a response. Dammit, I hate this.

Plan #5,457,356,068 (or something like that)

My post-op appointment with Dr. Gloom & Doom finally happened. And when I say finally, I mean finally. I raced like a bat out of hell to get ready and to the doctor's office on time. Not long after I checked in & settled in on the couch, Dr. G&D walks through the waiting room, says hello to me, and leaves. As in leaves the office. As in not to be seen for an hour. WTH? For some reason, I was not told of his "emergency" for over 40 minutes. I took the "opportunity" to read chapters 3 & 4 of the waiting room copy of "Conquering Infertility." Pretty good book btw!

Now to the appointment. It lasted all of 10 minutes, and that is only because I started asking all kinds of questions. I wanted my money's worth. :) Luckily no clothing was removed to reveal my experiment. My blood pressure was up 140/100. Wonder why? I only sat in the waiting room for a freaking hour. Plus, I ran out of my bp meds & hadn't had them since Saturday. See, there's always a reason for everything.

Anyway . . . Pathology said everything from surgery was fine. Fibroid was removed. I got to see more party pics of my uterus. Poor, beaten up thing.

The Plan - #5,457,356,068 or something like that if you're still counting:

1. Wait for AF. She's on her way I'm sure.
2. Call the office on CD1 to schedule HSG.
3. See what the HSG shows.
4. If the HSG shows any uterine septum, then schedule resection surgery.
5. Resection surgery (if needed) would happen before Xmas. Good thing since I met my OOP expenses in April. Geez.
6. Either way, the next cycle will include injection therapy. Most likely Follistim.
7. Get pregnant. (Been there, done that.)
8. Have baby. (Novel, yet new, concept for me.)

I asked the doctor why nobody had seen a septum before. Since it's not a complete septum/division, it wouldn't be easy to see. I used the analogy of the septum being like the inside of a bell pepper. Dr. D&G said it was something like that but probably not even that pronounced.

I also asked (remember, I had to get my money's worth) what the cost of injections would be. See, I'm one of the masses that doesn't have IF covered by insurance. No telling what it will cost.
I asked (still thinking time = $$) what the rate of multiples would be with the Follistim. Believe it or not, the rate of multiples thru injection therapy such as Follistim decreases with age. I'm okay with twins (preferably no more than 2 a time), but DH said he'd "cut it off" if we had more than one at a time. Whatever.

So, that's the plan. Any experiences you'd like to share? Be honest. It's okay to scare me if you have to do it. This whole IF thing is scary anyway.

Oh, and I made an appointment for my annual exam today. Party in my hooha! Everyone's invited! (They all know how to get there now.)

My Morning, My Day, My Experiment

I LOVE sleeping in, all cuddled up in bed. It's my week off, so I've been looking forward to this for weeks now. I thought if I stayed up late last night that I'd sleep in this morning. Uh, no. That didn't happen. So now, with less than 5 hours of sleep, I have my day ahead of me.

So far, I have:

• Practice peed (BFN of course, so no more for me.)
• Grabbed my nipples (Remember my last nipple post? Same deal.) OUCH!
• Hugged Todd goodbye (Poor guy has to work!)
• Read some blogs
• Got poor, crazy Mackey to quit howling like he's being murdered.
• Snuggled with my baby dog, Steve. Not for long though - he's gassy again today. (WTH has he been eating??)
• Said good morning to my cat, Mindy, as she walked in & out of the bedroom.
• Thought about what shopping I'd like to do today.
• Stayed in bed
• Thought about Thanksgiving cooking that needs to be done.
• Pet my girlfriend dog, Pippin, since she's finally awake.
• Grumbled about the fact that I need to make an appt. for my annual. Have enough people not been in my hooha lately? ggrrr
• Remembered that I also need to make a mammogram appointment. Not right now. Not with these nipples.
• Worried about finances, remembered I need to pay my bills
• Made a to do list in my head
• Thought of the foods I'd like to eat for breakfast, but I'm too lazy to get out of bed to eat them.
• Checked the clock to see if it was around 11:00. I want a tuna fish sandwich, but I can't rationalize eating tuna during breakfasting hours.
• Checked the exact time for my post-op appointment with Dr. G&D (the RE) this afternoon. I don't know what to ask or say or do. Guess he'll have to be in charge of this meeting. Hope he doesn't want to do any checking out of anything because I ain't shavin' nothin'.

Speaking of shaving, did I tell you I'm conducting an experiment? Yes, I am. (I know this is rambling, thus the blog title.) To let you know upfront, I LOVE my Epilady. What is an Epilady you ask? It is a wonderful electronic device donning spinning coils that rips the hair out of your legs from the root. Some would consider it a torture device, but it's really not that bad.

Anyway, to my experiment . . . I recently Epiladied my right leg and shaved my left. Honestly, I ran out of time trying to Epilady, so I decided it would be a good time for an experiment. The right left is still fairly smooth, but the left leg is awfully hairy now. Time to break the Epilady out for BOTH legs. But, not today. (Time to refer back to the disclosure regarding my post-op appoinment!)

I guess it's time to figure out what I else I don't want to do today . . . . . . OOoooo! The Price is Right is on! :)

I found this fun & cool tool on Mrs. Spit's blog, and I decided I needed to Typealyzer my blog too. I did the same for my other blog, and got the same results. The only difference was the brain activity map.

The analysis indicates that the author of Fertile Ramblings is of the type:

ESFP - The Performers

This picture is what is shown on the Typealyzer website. Funny, because it looks a bit like me the night I met DH for our blind date! However, my hair was longer and curlier, I was not nearly as thin (in my dreams), & my tights kept slipping down to my knees - ha! There is something in her glass in this pic, and my drink always seemed to be empty that night. Anyway . . . my blog analysis:

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Analysis
This show what parts of the brain that were dominant during writing.

Show & Tell: Ramblings About #3

For today's Show & Tell, I would show a photo of my empty uterus. However, my most recent pics would have to be scanned, and I don't want anyone else up/in there taking pictures & doing stuff. So, you get emptiness. Close your eyes & see the darkness. See? That's right - there's nothing to see!

Tomorrow is EDD#3, and I don't even know what to say anymore. Little did I think that a year after we married that we would have experienced three losses. Little could I imagine that twenty months after we married that we wouldn't even be pregnant. Little did I know how badly it would hurt sometimes.

I seriously felt that we would struggle with getting pregnant. I truly never thought that we would have a miscarriage, much less three. I mentally prepared myself that we would need assistance conceiving and explained that to DH before we were even engaged. I know there are some, but there are few women over 40 that I know having (or trying to have) babies. Being AMA just puts us on the edge of the cliff of fertility.

I feel like everyone has found their success. Why not us? I rarely cry about it anymore because it does no good. I don't feel better after crying. I just feel lost sometimes, like I'm in a world of mommies and daddies and babies, and that we don't really belong here. It's as if we were dropped on the wrong planet; that we should be in the world of only the childless people. But that's definitely not the case. Children, families, pregnant women, and doting grandparents are all around us (but they are basically like a magnet to us). They just aren't us. We aren't one of them.

Dammit.

Oh, and Target has car seats on sale. And I want to buy one. Seriously????? Why would I ever need it?? I showed DH & he says "NO" to buying it. He probably thinks I'm certifiably insane now. (If there was ever any doubt.)

Feedback

I received a feedback form from the hospital where I had both surgeries (April & last week). In April, I didn't send in my feedback. This time I did.

At check-in for both surgeries, they were visibly understaffed and sent me to L&D to check in. I was not happy the first time & it was all I do not to cry. They did again last week & I was pissed.

So, in my feedback I explained the situation and told them something to the effect of "Being a woman who had three m/cs in a year, I found it difficult when I was told to go check-in at L&D due to understaffing. Not all patients (and their families) being treated in the Women's Center are there for a joyous occasion. Having to check in where families are gathering, people are excited hearing good news, women are having their babies, etc. was hurtful and inconsiderate. I hope the hospital will consider the state of their patients in the future, and find a more courteous and considerate alternative to checking in for surgery."

It had an optional space for your name and number, but I didn't leave mine because I don't feel like discussing myself over the phone with yet another stranger.

C'mere You Stupid Stork

Quit digging around in the grass & go find me a baby!!!

Tears and Hope

This is a wonderful video that my friend Jenn shared with me. It might somewhat explain what those of us want so badly, how that desire has changed us while keeping us the same, and how others fit into that plan.

What is MTHFR?

I've seen many posts on the online forums which I visit and have received questions from many others about the MTHFR genetic mutation. This is my perspective.

Disclaimer: PLEASE consult your own medical professional and do not consider my thoughts and opinions in your own treatment. Everything included herein is not based on information from a medical professional. (I am an elementary school teacher!!) Everything written here is based upon MY personal experience and research. I cannot/will not be held liable for erroneous information or for those seeking answers or treatment.

MTHFR - methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase - is a gene that we ALL have. So if someone says "I have MTHFR," of course they do! However, some of us unfortunately have mutations of the MTHFR gene which can cause miscarriage and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. The MTHFR mutation causes the body the inability to absorb folic acid (vitamin B9) and may also cause clotting issues, both of which are vital for a successful pregnancy. It is possible to carry a successful pregnancy with the MTHFR mutation, but the risks are higher for cystic fibrosis and other neural tube defects due issues with folic acid deficiencies.

Testing of the MTHFR gene is simple. One of the standard tests in the RPL panel includes testing of the MTHFR gene. This blood work can be drawn to test for many disorders which might explain RPL in some women. Many insurance companies do not cover costs of the RPL panel until three (3) or more miscarriages have been diagnosed. Check with your insurance company or "work" with your doctor for coding should you require/need/want RPL testing prior to three (3) miscarriages.

Very little information is available on the MTHFR mutation because it was discovered just a handful of years ago. There is some information available on the internet, but much of it is in medical journals which can be difficult to decipher and comprehend. The resource I have found to be the easiest to understand in my research is here.

There are homozygous and heterozygous mutations of the gene, and each can create different issues depending on the type of mutation one carries. RPL results will show the exact mutation(s) although treatments are often the same.

* Typical protocol for treatment includes an increase in folic acid (appx. 4mg daily) , a daily dose of 81mg aspirin (the same dosage of baby aspirin), and the possibility of blood-thinning injections during pregnancy. Some doctors increase the intake of vitamins B6 and B12. Of course, all women trying to conceive should take prenatal vitamins - either prescription or over the counter. An OB/gyn should have patients do a fasting blood draw to test your homocysteine levels. If they are elevated, he/she will most likely prescribe Lovenox or Heparin shots upon a positive pregnancy test.

My diagnosis & treatment: After two early m/cs (both at 8.5w), my amazing OB/gyn felt it would be smart for me have the RPL panel run. He coded my paperwork so that my insurance would cover the testing without question. I was found to have a homozygous MTHFR mutation of the C677t, which means that I have two copies of that gene. My Rx includes 4mg Foltex each day, plus my PNV (which also contains f/a), and an 81mg aspirin each day. When tested, my homocysteine levels were not elevated, but my ob/gyn wants me to have Lovenox injections with my next bfp because (1) I've requested it because I feel in my gut that it will help, and (2) he's proactive and willing to "pull out all the stops" for me to have a successful pg. He's an awesome doc.

Hope that helps to answer some questions and provide information that might help you or someone else.

Thank you, Dr. Self

I'm glad I took my own advice last night and changed my choice of meds. I finally got some sleep. Today, I can just be sore and not sleepy, too. Thanks for listening to my rants for the past couple of days (that is if you're still really here!). :)

Sleep is a beautiful thing . . .

Quotes for Strength

I have been collecting quotes for years. Since my first loss I've gathered quotes to provide me strength, so thought I'd include some here in hopes that it may help you find strength when you need it. I tried to add this as a gadget on the blog, but it took up too much page space & my anal/OCD self didn't like the formatting. Credit for quotes is given when provided (please comment here if you can provide credit for any quote). Have any others to add? Let me know!


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"You won't get over this, but you will get through this." (With hope, faith, family, and friends, and especially ourselves, it's amazing what we can survive.) - kekis - me!

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"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. You shine all the time, Angel, and in these dark times, your inner beauty will continue to illuminate around you. Know that when it seems the world can't get any darker and you don't have the strength to shine your light, let those who love you shine for you and show you the way again."

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From Maria's blog:

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother: There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

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From PL/SAL Nestie "ourlittlebean" 11/07:
God understands greiving days. It is okay to cry for an entire day for the one you loved so much and have to go on without. But it is the devil who keeps that grief in your heart permanently. God knows you will be sad and allows you those days, but you can't let that grief take over all the parts of your life. You must be open to good things, because those good and positive things are God. You are not doing an injustice to the one you have lost if you move on, you are honoring them. They are waiting for you to smile again. Letting God do good with you is the right thing to do.

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from MrsABC's blog, 11/15/07 "You can’t grasp the loss until you understand the gain." ". . . what I can’t understand is why our story has to be a secret. When a family member dies, you grieve with the support of all the people in your life. But when the baby growing inside of you dies, you lock the sorrow inside your house and walk around in the outside world as if nothing has been lost. So I'm done keeping this a secret."

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God never promises to remove us from our struggles. He does promise, however, to change the way we look at them. -Max Lucado

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1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 - Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

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"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." -Gilda Radner

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"This isn't something you get over. It's just something you get through, and then you carry it around with you for the rest of your life. It's part of your story now. Part of your history. It'll always, always hurt. Just not quite as bad someday." from Lucious Lemon by Heather Swain

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Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

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When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

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The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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"When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways - either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength." -Dalai Lama

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My Birthverse from Titus 3:5 NIV
He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit

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"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."
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From MaydayGirl's blog:
"Your God is big, and He has a big plan for you . . . and one day you'll see . . . that plan will call you mommy."

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"Loss has been part of my journey, but it has also shown me what is precious." from the movie Message in a Bottle

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"Don't hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." ~Unknown

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"You will be happy again. Life will become joyful again. And somehow, some way, if you want to become a parent, you will." - Alice Domar Ph.D., author of "Conquering Infertility"

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Mark 11-23-24: "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11

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Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. -- Genesis 25:21

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Those who were full hire themselves out for food, but those who were hungry hunger no more. She who was barren has borne seven children, but she who has had many sons pines away. The LORD brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up. -- 1 Samuel 2:5

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He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. -- Psalm 113:9

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His promise is near. Keep believing Him for His promise.

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Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer.

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"And even though I'm walkin' through the valley of the shadow, I will hold tight to the hand of Him, whose love will comfort me. And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle, He is all the strength that I will ever need. He will carry me." ~ Mark Schultz

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"Prayer should never be your last resort, it should be your first response"

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"After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

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"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said; people will forget what you did; but they will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

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"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

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From Bring the Rain, Angie Smith's blog: "My Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room . . ."

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"The risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief, but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love." --Hilary Stanton Zunin

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"Ain't no shame in holding on to grief as long as you make room for other things." Bubbles (Reginald) from The Wire

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"The only way you deal with those things [a tragedy], I think, is you just gotta focus on what's left - what you have." Senator Joe Biden, Delaware (in an interview about losing his first wife and young daughter in a car accident)

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From the blog of Biogal, printed on Jen's Team Killion blog:
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too. I think of you in silence, I often say your name, but all I have is memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part. God has you in his keeping. I have you in my heart. I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I’ve cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you, buy you didn’t go alone. For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.

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We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're supposed to have. Whatever baby we end up with will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you." ~Emily Giffin (Baby Proof)

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"God doesn't always change the circumstances, He did not change them for Jesus on that hillside outside Juruselum. But the cross is also proof that God always has a purpose in the circumstances and that His purpose and His plan will prevail and will triumph through any circumstances in this world."

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Find what makes you happy and do it until you die.

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From Angie Smith's blog:
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

"He loves you right where you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there."

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The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart. ~ Robert Ingersoll

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Grief is Not a Sign of Weakness,
Nor a Loss of Faith,
It is the Price Of Love.

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Do not make someone a priority if they are only willing to make you an option.

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"The more you expect from life, the more your expectations will be fulfilled. By laughing, you don't use up your laughter, but increase your store of it. The more you love, the more you will be loved. The more you give, the more you will receive."

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"The only way to the other side is through it." from The Pilot's Wife

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I wait patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3
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If I could do everything, then there'd be no reason for hope. - Michael J. Fox, 2009

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Since I'm not sure of the address to which to send my gratitude, I put it out there in everything I do. - Michael J. Fox, 2009

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Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
~ Philippians 4:6, NLT

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When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." shared by Shannon

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"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." Oprah Winfrey

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24 hours later, and

I feel like shit. Tylenol 3 is like candy for me (kinda like morphine!). I haven't slept. I can't. Although I went to bed at 9:45ish last night, I woke up every 1-2 hours to pee. I tried to sleep throughout the day, but I can't. I'm not cramping much, but my abdomen is sore, my head hurts, and my eyes & face are puffy and swollen.

Tonight, I get to play doctor and switch my pain meds to something more powerful. Dr. Rambler is currently debating between Hydrocodone and Percoset. Hhhmmm . . . such an important decision for the patient. Dr. thinks Hydrocodone will win first place. Percoset makes her goofier than usual.

At least my mom came by and gave us flu shots today. I needed more poking. :)

So from the bed of the Rambler . . . with Mindy my cat on the left, and Steve my dog on the right - Nighty Night - I hope!

Surgery #3 - The lowdown.

Disclaimer: I've tried to type this in a coherent, gramatically correct, perfect spelling post. If any of that does not happen, blame it on the drugs.

From a recovery standpoint, this surgery is MUCH better than my last! I think the fact that it was a hysteroscopy and not a laparoscopy, coupled with the fact that I told the docs no morphine, really helped. I was so blown up from the lap surgery that I was miserable. This time I'm just blown up from being fat. ;)

Surgery began around 2:oo, and I woke up in recovery having some nice discussions with my recovery nurse about her job, how my mom was a nurse, how I wanted to be a nurse, etc. Guess I was pretty coherent (at least in my mind - ha!). I also woke up needing to go to the bathroom, so when I was taken back to my room around 4:30 or so, I was ready to pee and eat/drink so I could go home! I was a good girl - sipping my ginger ale, eating my crackers, and requiring no pain meds since recovery. (I also knew pain meds = 1 more hour in the hospital.)

In the HSC, Dr. G&D (my RE) removed a fibroid that was on the backside of my uterus - where embroys typically like to implant. He told my DH that everything went well. Dr. G&D also said there is a slight possibility of a uterine septum. WTH? Why haven't any of the thousands of men in my hooha seen it? Guess we'll discuss this more during my postop appointment. DH and I were both told that we need to get pg asap, and at my postop we can discuss how agressive we would like to be. We'll be as agressive as we need, as long as agressive does not = lots of cash. The good news from the surgery? It cost me nothing! Guess that's the silver lining of multiple surgeries in one year since I met my annual deductible and out of pocket expenses in April!

We got home some time after 6ish (I think), ate dinner, and I got in bed. I checked email, my online boards, etc. then watched some TV. I went to bed around 9:30 after some snuggle time with my DH on one side and my Stevie on the other. I wanted so desperately to sleep like a rock throughout the night, but I've been up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. Gggrrrrr. I'm a little sore in my abdomen and my throat is really sore from being intubated. The meds are making me a little light-headed, but that's okay as long as I'm not hurting. Plus, I'm probably a little light-headed naturally. ha!

This morning, DH asked me "what my plans are for today". WTH does that mean? Uhhh, I'm sitting on my ass, sleeping, and expecting food and beverage delivery throughout the day. Yep, those are my plans! Luckily my mother will be by later in case I need some real TLC that sometimes only my mom can provide. Of course, that can be a double-edged sword because it often is accompanied by nagging and unsolicited advice. For now, I'll take it. :)

Thanks for all of the prayers, thoughts, warm fuzzies, emails, and messages. My friends and this online community of strangers friends with whom I am blessed have saved me time and time again. I love all of you!

Ready, Set, GO!

Dr. G&D (who actually chuckled yesterday!) prescribed misoprostol that I took last night. Cramping again. Fun. More bleeding. Delightful. I've only been bleeding for 14 days now. Luckily there are pain pills for after I get home. I love pain pills. In fact, I wish I could take one now. :)

Today is starving-to-death today since I can't eat or drink anything as of midnight. Of course I did a lot of grocery shopping this week, and our kitchen is filled with yummy fruits, breads, meats, veggies, cheese, etc. (mmmmm!) Hospital check-in is at 11:45. I'll get vampired & then given the chance to sit around and chew my fingernails or something less entertaining. Surgery is set for 1:45. I hope to be home no later than 6:00. I just hope my pain can be better managed this round.

Last night I was emotional, and I am again this morning. This has been a stressful week in many ways & I probably need the release. I'm just feeling really left behind lately. It seems like there are babies and children all around us, but none of them are ours. I hate feeling lonely - especially when I'm surrounded by people. This journey has been so difficult. I know when we have a beautiful, healthy baby to bring home it will make more sense. But for now, it still hurts.

I'm a little nervous but also ready to get this over with. Here we go . . .

Welcome to RPL

Hello. I'm Kristin, and I'll be your tour guide today. On our very unexciting tour of RPL today, we'll see the life of Kristin. You'll have the opportunity to share in the misery of the past 20 months of her life, including but not limited to:

• first one and a half years of marriage
• 3 miscarriages
• 3 surgeries
• tens of thousands of dollars paid in medical bills
• more meds taken than an old lady
• hair loss
• hormonal fits
• acne-ravaged skin (face, back, chest)
• 20 or more additional pounds
• an almost broken marriage (now repaired)
• grief
• depression
• anxiety
• loneliness
• therapy
• dozens of vials of blood drawn
• countless numbers of unsolicited advice & hurtful statements
• 5 different docs in her hooha + nurses, etc.
• family & friends who have gotten pregnant, had babies & are doing it again
• countless wasted hpts
• over 400 days of temping and charting
• unmeasurable buckets of tears
• numerous pity parties
• cramps
• lots of bleeding
• endless frustration
• empty arms and broken heart

I hope you hated this tour as much as I have. I know many of you have your own tours to offer, and for that I am sorry. I haven't been on your exact tour, just as you have not been on mine, but I know that it has been miserable for you. Know that you will get through it.

We hope to have our next tour available very soon. We are trying everything within our power to schedule a BABY TOUR in the near future. Please check back for upcoming tour dates.

Lord, hear our prayers.

Earning the Title

Welcome to Fertile Ramblings ------- and I do mean RAMBLINGS. Gotta get all of this out of my head, off my chest, and somewhere out of my dream patterns. I don't even care if you read this or not. (If you don't read the bullet points, please drop to the bottom of this post & read the Perspective.)

• Done with Progestin - what a headached-ridden, nauseaus, bitchy week.


• Stressed out today - school, kids, grocery store, parking lots, getting sub plans ready, impromptu (read: stupid) meetings, & everything in between.


• Tired of zits - all over. Everywhere - on my neck, chin, jawline, eyebrows, collarbone, cheeks, eyelid. Hello? Stop it!


• Got another medical bill - another one - ugh.


• Preregistered for my surgery today - was asked what I have met of my deductible. All $3500, thanks. That happened in April!


• House looks like crap - not my fault. DH has to get his crap (and I mean his crap) together. I can't be his momma, his maid, his chef, and his bitch. I'm not that good and don't want to be. ;)


• Glad the election is almost over Not so thrilled with having to listen to election coverage on EVERY channel available at higher-than-hearing-aid-wearers' volume. Please Honey . . .


• DH held one of our friends' babies tonight. I wasn't there to witness it, but our friend sent me a picture -- hahaha. How comfortable does he (NOT) look?! Don't drop her!! It would upset her twin sister! What's funny is that she loves it when he holds her. She probably remembers when she was in the NICU with her 3-pound self being held my large (& nervous) husband. Such fond memories.

• I'm so tired of paying everyone all of my money. I work my butt off every day, and I just give it away. I rarely have any money leftover for things such as clothing, travel, etc.


• Prices have definitely gone up. Groceries cost me much more tonight than usual.


• Thank goodness tomorrow is maid day. (see complaint about filthy home above)


• "Was the TV really that loud?" asks DH. YES. And now that you turned it down, it's still freaking loud!


• I cut off my 1st Common Thread Bracelet on Sunday. It was so sad & worn out looking. I'd been wearing it since May and hadn't taken it off. I'm saving it for my scrapbook. Hope I didn't jinx myself or something.


• Everyone is having babies but me.


• I wonder if I'll actually get pregnant AND have a baby. It feels farther & farther away each month. I'm beginning to feel the hole in my heart that only a baby could fill getting wider and deeper.


• Thank God for wine.


• I love my dogs and cat. They give so much love and receive so much of my love.


• I'm completely & totally looking forward to the pain meds on Friday. I just have to remember to tell my drug lord (aka anesthesiologist) to use something besides morphine. Last time morphine was like candy for me. LOTS of candy!
  
  
• I've gotten so fat that only two pairs of my winter pants fit right. And they are very snug. The other pair are sweats. Geez.
  
  
• We have hawks living in the trees near our house. I sit in the bathroom extra long in the mornings to hear them talk with one another.
  
  
• I almost bought a box of hpts at the store. How stupid.

Perspective: (READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ANYTHING ELSE.) With all of my whining, worrying, complaining, stressing, and more - it could be so much worse. DH's former principal and her husband lost their 3 month old daughter this weekend. They believe it was SIDS. Please pray for them and their two surviving children. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I always try to remember that when things are bad, they could be worse. There is the proof.

Aaahhhh

Now that looks better, doesn't it? I was getting tired of all that blog "stuff" going on, and I needed a clean (yet fancy) new look. :)

If you haven't already, check out The Cutest Blog on the Block to give yourself a free blogover. It's easy, and you won't even lose your gadgets or widgets - sweet!

Poor, Clueless Men

I just overheard DH talking to a friend of his on the phone. He said, "Yeah, she has to have surgery next week. There's a FIbroid or FIBroid - whatever it's called - in her uterus."

For the record, dear, it is a FIbroid. I know, since it's in my ute! (Which *better* be bright & shiny this time next week.)

I'm still feeling the s/e of the progestin. I learned through my friend Mr.Google last night that I'm basically taking 10x the daily dosage of BCP each day. No wonder I go from bitchy to weepy in no time!