Blog Award

I've been given the Honest Scrap award from my internet friend, Shanny. She's had what we'll just call a "rough patch" lately, so for her to think of me right now means a lot.

The rules for this award:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 Honest Things About Me:

1. I prefer things in my world to be orderly and in place. Call it OCD (or CDO if you prefer alphabetical like me), but it keeps me calm.

2. I've watched "All My Children" for over 27 years. It's crazy, but I still DVR it every night.

3. I never cared for animals much until I met DH and then our pet explosion occurred!

4. I fell down two flights of stairs when I was two and have been terrified of heights since. I used to freak out sitting on the doctor's table. To this day, I can't handle anything much higher than a chair.

5. I started babysitting at age nine. I can't imagine leaving my newborn with a child the same as my students. I must've been pretty mature at that age to stay with such tiny, little babies.

6. I did very non-pro runway modeling when I was in my early teens. I had a portfolio and everything. ha!

7. Last night I had hot dogs (almost burned with lots of mustard - yum!), mac & cheese, and chardonnay for dinner. Believe it or not, it's a comfort food meal for me. I put the K in klassy, baby!

8. If I have a daughter someday with straight hair, I'm not sure I'll know what to do. I can style curly hair, but straight hair might be hard for me.

9. I make friends very easily. Sometimes TOO easily! I can get along with anyone with whom I choose to get along.

10. I have a severely handicapped brother named Jeffrey who is my hero. He has a piece of my heart that NOBODY will ever have. Ever. I claim Jeff and my baby brother (Michael) as partly my own because I helped raise them. My mom agrees. :)

I'm passing this award on to some of my favorite friends and favorite bloggers!

~ NoSwimmers

~ Joyce

~ Stacy

~ Trish

~ Taylor

To My Reader in St. John

Please go to Trunk Bay for me and have a cold drink. I miss the USVI.

Questions for the Rambler

I don't have much to say this weekend, so help me out. It's OPEN MIC with The Rambler! Ask me anything . . . you know I'm pretty much an open book. I bet I'll answer anything you ask. From the deep to the mundane, I'm yours.

GO -- ask away!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I'm Crying Today

I am speechless, which is a word that most would not associate with me. It is extremely rare that I just don't. know. what. to. say.

I got an email from my friend Sarah this morning, telling me she has a present for me. There was a mixup and it was shipped to her, but it's now on its way to me. And I cannot wait to get it.

She found it on this Etsy site. It's sold out, so I have one and you don't. ;) Here is the description:

This beautiful necklace represents all of those out there that have or are struggling with Infertility.

If you're aware of the "Infertility's Common Thread" bracelet you'll understand the meaning behind the Pomegranate colors that were chosen for this piece.

The Pomegranate Ribbon is to promote awareness.
The Pomegranate Teardrop Pearl represents the tears that have been shed.
The Miracles charm represents the miracles we will one day have.
The Pomegranate Crystal represents the glimmer of Hope we all need on a cloudy day.

If you're unaware of the Pomegranate colors, please visit this site for more information. http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com and search for "Infertility's Common Thread". [You can find the icon linked in the top, right corner of this blog too!]

. . . I want to make the world aware that Infertility is real and it hurts.

To Sarah: (Yeah, I'm crying typing this now.) Thank you from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my broken & barren uterus. Little did we know when we first "met" that we would walk this journey together. I know you're my biggest cheerleader, and I thank you for it. I hope you know that I'm the same for you. I can't wait to wear my necklace proudly - for all the world to see my struggles on the outside, for me to represent ALL of us who wear Infertility's Common Thread, and to show everyone that I have such an amazing friend in you. I love you.

Like Clockwork

CD1 - she's here. And I'm really hoping this is the last time I see her until the end of this year. If not, get the pretty white jacket with three arms ready for me!

LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I had even MORE phantom symptoms today: temp increase, sensitivity to smell, nausea (had to send a student for crackers!), heartburn, gas, headache, fatigue, and more.

BFN.

AF - either leave me alone and give me a bfp or show up tomorrow as scheduled, just quit playing with me. Beyotch.

It must be HER

I am SO irritable today. Anything, everything, anyone and everyone are on my nerves. Luckily for everyone but DH, I haven't gone anywhere. I have a killer headache & want to be left alone. I'm thinking going to bed at 4:30pm sounds better & better the more I think of it.

If it's irritability today, it'll be crying tomrrow. Ugh. Must be PMS.

This Body's Going to the Junkyard

Not that I was really holding out a lot of hope for a BFP this cycle . . . but I was holding out hope. My cruel body was giving me all sorts of phantom pg symptoms -- killer boobs, falling asleep on the couch right after work, slight twinges of nausea, heartburn, good temps, pretty implantation dip, cramping, and more.

This morning my temped dropped. It's still above coverline, but we all know the drill. Slight spotting, but I usually spot anywhere from 2-4 days before that wicked, red-headed slut darkens my door.

Obviously, trying to sell or trade-in this body won't get me anywhere. Therefore, this body's going to the junkyard. Just throw it in the city dump. Instead, I'm going to upgrade to a young, thin, fertile, body with long hair and clear skin.

Luckily tonight we have plans with friends. I shall drink a crapload of beer, eat some nitrate-filled bratwurst, hang out in our friends' hot tub until I look pickled, quit my job, apply for welfare, and maybe take a couple of hits of heroin for good measure. Now THAT will get me pregnant!!!

Lessons Learned

I have learned three HUGE lessons from this whole RPL experience thus far, and I'm sure there are many more ahead of me. Anyone who is in need of medical assistance of any type should be prepared in order to receive the best care possible.

Lesson #1: KNOW YOUR BODY
I have learned more about my body, what it does, how it reacts, what the parts are inside, what those parts do, various medications, and more since our first loss almost two years ago. Learning these things hasn't always been a bed of roses, but it's important that we know ourselves inside and out - especially when requesting or requiring medical care and intervention.

Lesson #2: DO YOUR RESEARCH
Thanks to today's technology, there are massive amounts of information available at our fingertips. There are search engines, websites, online forums, and more that will give you the opportunity to read, discuss, and define things for you. Doing research on what you are experiencing, what to expect, to answer questions, to ease fears, to provide data, and offer insight will give you power in your own treatment. It is to your benefit to know what you are discussing with your doctor. An informed patient can be more proactive in treatment.

Lesson #3: GO WITH YOUR GUT
Knowing your body and doing your research are two crucial componenets of being a successful patient. Most importantly, though, is going with your gut. As females, we have a keen sense of what to do in most every scenario we face. If something doesn't feel right, it isn't right. If something doesn't sound right, then it probably isn't right either. If you have done your research and know how your own body works, then it is YOUR responsibility to speak up. Don't learn this lesson the hard way. It wastes time and takes away your power. Believe me, I know.

On another note: 10dpo, BFN.

My Blog Frog!

You'll notice my "Blog Frog" in the right hand column. Be sure to hop on over and say hello to some of my friends who are some of the wonderful bloggers out there in the blogosphere!

A New Wordle Cloud

I decided to delete my Wordle cloud at the very bottom of the blog. You can look if you don't trust me, but it's gone. I decided to make a new one but not add it to the layout, so here it is:

I may be a tad difficult to see/read, but you get the gist of it!

7dpo

And twiddling my thumbs. Let the phantom symptoms begin.

Not that I have much hope for this cycle, though. The 2ww sucks no matter what.

CONGRATS to My Friends!!!

My friends Sarah and Jamie found out last night that they will become first-time parents within the next couple of weeks. A birth mother has chosen them to be the Mommy and Daddy to the baby she is carrying right now. Her due date is January 31st, so it could really be any day now. Will it be a boy or a girl?? That, we do not know.

Please pray for Sarah and Jamie - that everything goes smoothly through the adoption process and they are able to bring home a healthy, little, bundle of joy. And please pray for the birth mother. She is getting ready to do one of the most selfless acts that a woman could ever do. I can't even imagine the heartache she must be feeling, and I hope God can give her the peace she needs.

Cuz I Know Y'all Are Nosy

And I because I feed your nosiness with all of my TMI ramblings, I present to you My Chart.



Yeah, it looks pretty so far but don't get too excited yet. Our timing sucked because I was scared to BD in case we weren't supposed to. So, BD happened four days before O and the day after. We probably have a tiny shot in hell, but I'll take it for now.

I usually email my friend Sarah jpegs of my chart every now & then for her interpretation. She's the one who figured I was pregnant the 3rd time and told me to test. Dr. Burchie hit it right on, and I even told her then that if I was pg, it would be a chemical. So both of us are doctors now. :)

Anyway, I would be surprised if a BFP came our way this cycle, but I'll still say it: GO PLAN A!

Validation of Insanity

Yesterday I received my order of two pairs of maternity jeans that I bought on sale from Ann Taylor Loft. ::shaking my head wondering what I was thinking::

They cost me a whopping $8.42 (for both pairs, including free shipping). I hope I get to wear them to death soon. Until then, they will be hidden away with the unused maternity clothes, baby clothes, formula, books, and bags.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Kekis is crazy, too.

The PLAN

Sidenote: I had to call Dr. G&D's office today about obtaining my records, and (of course) it took a few calls just to execute a simple task. I asked them to send all of my charts to Dr. T's office, so he'll always have them and I can always access them. I honestly don't understand why patients can't get ALL of their chart. It IS my uterus. I should be able to have every single sheet of paper and film in that file. Makes me wonder what's really going on in that file if I can't have it ALL. Anyway . . .

I made it back home today, and I'm so glad. It's nice to be in a doctor's office where people are polite, caring, friendly, and doing their jobs as expected. Of course my blood pressure was high, but we aren't talking about that right now, are we? I'll try to make this brief, as it seems all of my recent posts have been close to the length of War & Peace.

Dr. Terrific and I sat down for my consult. Taking out my notes (dialogue) from the last discussion I had (and will ever have) with Dr. G&D, awesome Dr. T knew I was ready to get down & dirty. Dr. T first mentioned he heard that Dr. G&D has little sense of a personality. I told Dr. T he was wrong - that Dr. G&D has NO personality. He chuckled and said he was just being nice. :) He asked me to catch him up, and boy did I!

A brief analysis of points made by the FORMER RE, and Dr. T's responses. (not quoted, but very very close to his exact words)

Dr G&D, Point 1: No bicornuate uterus
Dr. T: told me he already knew that as he & I discussed last month. He just didn't see it during my lap surgery, which is when it would have been completely evident.

Dr G&D, Point 2: "MTHFR . . . is not associated with an increased in m/c."
Dr. T: Bullshit. We both know that isn't true. Especially for those who have the homozygous mutation. You will be taking Lovenox for your next pregnancy.

Dr G&D, Point 3: (speaking of Lovenox) I don't need to be on Lovenox for future pregnancies.
Dr. T: see response to point 2 (now Dr. T is getting agitated)

Dr G&D, Point 4: I can get pg, and if I make it past 8-10 weeks I might be okay.
Dr. T: I guess that's the fourth thing I completely disagree with now. WTH? (his words) A majority of fibroids cause problems in the middle of the 2nd Tri. Your losses have all been early, thus pointing to something else. I think it's a biochemical issue, which is why we need to do Lovenox.

Dr G&D, Point 5: Injectibles (Follistim) should be used to get pg quickly.
Dr. T: "And that's number 5."

Dr. T has been doing this for 23 years and has delivered over 8000 babies. Yet another reason why I value his opinion and trust him. (I have no proof of that with Dr. G&D.) I asked Dr. Terrific what he recommended. He told me that he couldn't make a choice for me, but he would give me the possibilities.

Possibility 1: Get pregnant (we know I can get pg) and start Lovenox the day I get a bfp. Continue with folic acid and baby aspirin. Close monitoring (including a perinatologist).

Possibility 2: Have a myomectomy which would include an abdominal incision, 1-2 days in the hospital, recovery time, possibility of breaking through the uterus, 5% need for blood transfusion in the OR for blood loss, scar tissue & making the uterine lining worse than it was. Then get pg, start Lovenox, continue folic acid and baby aspirin, close monitoring, etc.

Well, gosh. What do you think, my wonderful readers??? Well, I'm thinking Possibility 1 in case you're wondering. Dr. Terrific thought that would be a good idea, yet he also encouraged me to discuss it with DH. He then "scribed" (uh, scribbled!) our "PLAN" options.

PLAN A: SEX. Foltex. Lovenox.

PLAN B: Myomectomy. SEX. Foltex. Lovenox.

We're going with Plan A. In fact, we set PLAN A into action tonight. :) I'm pretty sure I've already Od according to my temps, but the PLAN is moving forward. It's so nice to have a PLAN. Please pray that this PLAN works to bring us not only a pregnancy, but a healthy pregnancy that ends with me delivering a healthy baby. That is all we want.

Lesson learned - ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. A woman's instinct is one of the strongest natural forces out there. If something doesn't look right, feel right, or sound right, validate your feelings and go with it.

Thank you, Dr. Terrific. I'll be calling about checking my cervix in the garage very, very soon. :)

Dr. T tomorrow

I'll let you know what happens. Hopefully I'll keep my pants on and my tears intact. I'm tired of paper skirts and crying all the time.

I held a newborn tonight . . .

. . . and I didn't even cry. My uterus didn't even ache. I didn't even try to kidnap him. Of course he had a monitor on, so that would have thwarted my plans had I tried. ;)

Our friends, Mike & Sonya, and big sister Cori welcomed Baby Carter into their family today! DH and I had a great time seeing our friends and meeting their new precious son.

Me (and all of my chins - ick) getting on my baby fix. I don't look so good, but doesn't the baby make me look better??!!!

The Power of Facebook

I really drug my feet before using Facebook. As a teacher, I thought it was absolutely ridiculous, not a good professional choice, and it made no sense to me. Well, that changed quickly! I have since reconnected with so many friends from my past with whom I'd lost contact. It has been wonderful catching up with everyone. Plus, I don't plaster naked drunk photos of me on the internet. (I keep that for home - haha!)

One thing on my Facebook page is "My Family". It looks like this, but not as blurry.

So, what is this post REALLY about? It's about an old friend - whom I have not seen in over twenty years - noticing "Our Three Angel Babies" and sending me the following poem. It was given to her sister upon losing her baby at six months.
________________________________

To the Child in My Heart

O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were ... Read Moremeant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.

But now you're gone…but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's life in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never -
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.
C. P.

________________________________

That right there makes Facebook completely worth it.

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart." ~ Robert Ingersoll

I need a secretary to take dictation.

I've had it.

Go the bathroom (or insert a catheter), get some popcorn (or a couple of meals), pour a cold drink (or ten), & let's see if I can get this down. I don't even know how to type all this crap out now. I need to get it out so I don't go completely insane and to help me remember when I do go nuts. Plus, I need the reminder in case I ever consider talking Dr. G&D ever, ever, ever again. Before I forget - I called the RE to whom I had been referred by friends and the first available appointment is at the end of February (aka as another cycle gone).

After the first call from Dr. G&D's office, my cell phone rings again. Two more times. While my class is taking a test! (Thank goodness for the vibrate ringer.) Dr. G&D wanted to at least do a phone consult with me. They asked if he could call me at 3:45. Sure. WTH.

So, the office calls AGAIN --- remember, they are efficient --- and when I call back, Dr. G&D is there to talk with me. I think he had enough sense to know that I am pissed at him and he is not my friend anymore. (I've been on the playground with the kids too much lately.) I was VERY short in my responses and my monotone voice showed my curtness, not courtesy.

Bottom line: I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I do not have a septate uterus. I repeat, I do not have a septate uterus. WTF????? I'll be using a lot of quotation marks from here as I quote exactly what I wrote down while talking to Dr. G&D.

The HSG report showed "bicornuate uterus suspected." The MRI results "were not consistent with a bicornuate uterus or a septate uterus." He said on more than one occasion that my "uterine cavity is not normal." In looking at the HSG and MRI, Dr. G&D said that it appears there is a :uterine fibroid in the fundus (top) of the uterus." Another fibroid? And why is that damn thing STILL THERE? Didn't I just have surgery just 60 days ago to get all that crap out of my bum ute? I digress . . .

Dr. G&D also says that this is probably the only reason I'm having difficulty; that basically nothing else points to my losses. (I think he's more concerned than I am about WHY I've lost three babies. I've had to write off getting those answers to prevent me being taken away by the nice men with a three-armed white jacket.) I digress again . . . I responded, "Well, that and the MTHFR." He then states that "MTHFR by itself is not associated with an increase in miscarriage." Oh really, Sherlock? That's not what the research I've read offers. Through my research and talking with other women who have the MTHFR mutation, I beg to differ. Actually, I won't beg. I know that can't be true. There's just no effing way.

Then comes the suggestion that "we need to address the fibroid." As in send it a postcard? As in I need to send invitations to everyone for another hooha party? Dr. G&D vacillates between the facts that (1) I'm running out of time, (2) the fibroid needs to be "addressed", and (3) I need to get pregnant. I try multiple times to figure out what exactly he's talking about, and I begin to wonder if he even knows. (Funny that I would question that - AGAIN.) When I asked him what options he means, he says that it needs to be "addressed either abdominally or hysteroscopically." I think he's talking surgery. Again. The fourth in less than two years. Me = not happy. Still.

He continued to vacillate more than a cheap, old, metal fan with rust on it at your Meemaw's 100 year old house. He said that I could get pg, and if I "made it past 8 to 10 weeks" then things would probably be okay. How reassuring! I always spot in the sixth week of pregnancy (6w3d to be specific) and have miscarriages in the eighth week, so gosh, let's try the pg crapshoot again. I finally tell him that "I am getting mixed messages here. Are you saying that I need to get pg or have surgery?" I need one or the other. He finally says it - "Surgery."

Then I'm getting even more angry. I told him (while choking back tears because I cry when I don't scream) that "I wish I would've known this before the end of last year. I spent close to 1/10 of my annual salary last year, and this is STILL NOT FIXED." His heartfelt response? "I'm sorry." Asshole. That's just not enough. I then told him I needed to speak with my husband and ended the phone conversation.

Crying, I leave everything behind at school (and you have no idea HOW BEHIND I am right now) & trying not to completely lose my shit. For the bajillionth time in the past 22ish months, I have my personal cryfest in the car. I curse at people, I cry, and then the phone rings. It's DH. He knows I'm upset, so I tell him I talked to Dr. G&D and I'm not happy. We can talk when I get home.

Continuing on my quest, I call Dr. Terrific's office & leave a message with "Nurse Excellent" (Dr. T's wonderful, excellent, empathetic nurse) that I need to speak with Dr. T. She calls me back within twenty minutes and is not happy to hear what Dr. G&D said. When I mentioned surgery, Nurse E said, "Why don't you let Dr. T do it if it has to be done?" I hadn't thought of that. I told Nurse E that I will be contacting Dr. G&D's office on Monday to get all of my files together. "I want all reports, charts, films, and (party) pics. It's my uterus, and it will become a part of my uterine briefcase now." She wholeheartedly agreed. I'm going to become Rain Man after all by keeping my "red, severe injury book".

So . . . the next part of this screwed up story is a consult with Dr. T on Wednesday. If he can get me through this, get us pregnant, keep us pregnant, deliver us a precious little baby, and up my Prozac dosage in the meantime, then we might have a plan. He's my main man anyway.

Aannnnddd - SCENE.

Good Thing I Was Going to No-Show

Because stupid Dr. G&D's office just called to try and reschedule my appointment. He has an emergency surgery this afternoon at 4:15, so he wanted to see if I could come in at 4:45.

My response? "Emergency surgery that would last only 30 minutes? I wouldn't want to be his patient on the table! This cycle is shot now, so I'll just figure something out." Whatever.

Woke Up Feeling Guilty

I feel badly about all of my ranting and cursing in last night's post. You'd think I have the Catholic guilt going (shout out to my Cath-licks!), but I'm not Catholic. Surprisingly, I am a Christian and a very imperfect one at that! I was really pissed though, and I still am. Sorry if I offended anyone, and I hope you'll forgive me. Wish I could promise it won't happen again. Honestly, I won't make promises I can't keep.

THIS AIN'T BASEBALL, ASSHOLE

Forewarning: Another rambling, pissed off post that will be possibly . . . okay, most likely . . . okay definitely laden with words my Mama doesn't like to hear. My Daddy says them all the time (especially when playing golf), but not my Mom. And yeah, they divorced over 40 years ago!

As all of you lovely readers know, Dr. Gloom & Doom has no personality. He is also a dumbass. A dumbass who has made me mad for the very.last.time.

Strike #1: Waiting an hour in the waiting room

Strike #2: Lack of followup after HSG & MRI

Strike #3: My cell phone rings this afternoon. It's Dr. G&D's secretary-person-lady. Dr. G&D, being the dumbass he is, didn't tell his own freaking office that he had a meeting scheduled for today, so they needed to cancel my appointment for this afternoon. Well yeah, he had a meeting this afternoon. It was a meeting with me dammit!!! Of course, I'm then asked to reschedule for tomorrow morning. Uh, no. I'm a teacher. I REEEEFUUUUUUSSSSEEEE to take off a day of work because he's a stupid, non-communicative asshole. (I'm stockpiling those days off for my imaginary future maternity leave.)

So instead, I am given the "luxury" of a late appointment tomorrow.

At 4:30.

Across town.

In Dallas traffic.

On a Friday.

With a doctor who most likely will just want to get the hell home & not deal with ME.

Not.going.to.work.for.me.

THIS IS ALL ABOUT ME ISN'T IT????? Well it fucking should be.

I was not happy but trying to work with them. Now that I think about it, WTH am I doing that? As much money as I've already paid them & what do I have to show for it? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

On my way home from work (after an absolutely hellish day at school, which is another story), I luckily called Dr. Terrific's office and learned that Dr. G&D never sent the records from my HSG & MRI to him! WTF??? I specifically asked Dr. G&D to send them. For the love of my crappy uterus, it was a month ago!! After you read about Dr. T's reaction to what Dr. G&D said, you can understand my need & desire for a second opinion from another person who's spent even more party time in my hooha. When I vented to Dr. T's nurse about Dr. G&D, she said she was not surprised. Sounds like he's pissed off a few other ladies.

Strike #4: He's out. As in FIRED. As in buh-bye dumbass Dr. Gloom & Doom.

Tomorrow I'm calling another RE who has come highly recommended by two friends. If this cycle is already shot, I might as well get a fresh start with someone else. We just discussed it, and DH is completely supportive in my decision. I hate starting all this crap over again, but we're left with no choice. All we want is a baby. And I know Dr. G&D will not place a newborn in my arms tomorrow afternoon at 4:30pm.

I'm also tempted to not call his office until 4:25 or so to tell them I'm not coming. And try to bill my ass. Just try it.

Oh, and Laurie . . . you were right.

SURROUNDED

I am the wounded animal, lying still in the field. I don't want to seem wounded, so I appear very strong and fearless. Hoping not to die, I see them circling. They are the vultures, and they spread their wings and hover around me in the air.

Surprisingly, they are not trying to kill me. They simply watch me because they do not want me for dinner. The vultures soar in circles above me, watching me suffer in silence while carefully protecting myself. Tears sometimes trickle down my cheek, but I try not to let them see it. The hunters cannot see the wounds of their prey, for they are all inside of me.

The vultures are everywhere - everywhere you look, everywhere you go, everywhere you turn. They are in simple disguises, dressed as beautiful and friendly women . . . friends, strangers, and relatives. They have children or are pregnant or are having other successes while TTC while we lie and suffer, exercising every ounce of self-preservation we can muster. If you are a wounded animal lying still in the field of TTC, PL, and IF, you see them too.

And we continue to lie still in the field, trying to guard our wounds, bleeding from the inside, hiding our tears, holding back our fears, not willing to come out and fight for fear of losing the battle again.

New Year, New Attitude

Well, kinda. I'm really now kinda scared as shit, and I don't know why. I know what it is like to get pregnant, be pregnant, and have a miscarriage. Shoot - I've done it three times now! (I'm even considered "Most Informed" by the other ladies sailing on the RPL boat with me.)

But now, it's different. Maybe I just feel like the stakes are higher, time is running out, this is getting serious, or something. I'm nervous and worried and scared and trying to be hopeful. Seriously, if we don't get pg soon we'll be out of the race for good. As in forever. As in never. I can't face the thought of that.

Follow-up appointment with Dr. G&D is Thursday. Although we had the impromptu-me-calling-his-personal-cell-phone conference , I'm going in to meet him face to face and maybe even see some more party pics from my delightful HSG and MRI experiences. I guess we'll talk some more about my retarded uterus, about what kind of drugs I need, why I need to get pg and fast, etc. He'll tell me that I have a higher risk of m/c (ya think???) and a higher risk of PTL. I'll tell him I know that, and let's get it done. I have STD insurance (that's Short Term Disability, not sexually transmitted disease insurance), so at least we'll be covered should the need for bedrest arise. This is all assuming we get pg and STAY that way.

On another note, DH finally told his mom about our struggles. She has mental illness (well, she's batshitcrazy) and physical stuff going on, but she can somehow still beat him down about grandchildren and send me a freaking Kate Spade diaper bag for Christmas. Well, now she knows we've had three m/c, and she's excited that we might have twins. DH says any more than two and he'll "cut if off." Yeah, right.

I'll take twins. DEFINITELY. In fact, I'd like twins. I'd LOVE twins. I'm crazy like that. Especially twin girls - but I'd take whatever. I won't ask for them twice or more, though, because I don't want God to get confused and send us four or eight or twelve. Not really up for that.

"Do you have children?" (listen for cricket noises as DH exchange the "uhhhh" glances)
"No, we don't." (more cricket noises)
"We're trying."
Thanks for asking stranger person to whom we were just introduced.. That's definitely the question I wanted to hear and answer in the first twelve hours of 2009. Made for a good excuse to drink two or more glasses of wine plus a strong bloody mary in less than two hours. Also made for a good nap on the road. :)

So . . . as I was saying, my appointment is Thursday. We're back in the saddle again.

Ramblingly Yours,
The Rambler

The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

The Angry Infertile: Speak Out, Speak Up Award

You're damn right I'm an angry infertile. I am sick of the injustices of this "disease." I am sick of being a "victim." I am sick of seeing my sisters fall victim to this disease and listening to their stories and their pain.
I've received this award from Meg, a friend and sister in IF/Loss. We understand one another's experiences all too well, and she's become a wonderful person to me. Plus, her son and I have the same birthday! (I know, I know . . . I'm 30 years older than him!)

I'm bolding the statements that apply to me. This could be scary!

If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs

If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand

If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy (coming soon to a belly near me!)

If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you (coming soon!)

If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen (still haunts me)

If you know what a cootercam is (aka Dildo cam)

If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry

If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try (what about TWO cycles?)

If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family

If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with

If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours

If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section

If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only

If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby

If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"

If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in

If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant

If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC

If you know what an RE is (If you read this blog, you know too!)

If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper (almost 2 years worth)

If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"

If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any

If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case (Yes, I have POAS at work thank you very much.)

If you can't wait to see the peak symbol (I dont use OPKs)

If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns

If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex (and have done it!)

If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant

If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady (constantly)

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.

Rules for posting award:
1. Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
2. Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
3. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

I am now awarding Sarah, No Swimmers, Chelle, Katie, Shanny, and Jenn (who needs to unprivate her blog!)