Not Even a Little BB?

As I told you, I went in to Dr. T's office ready to ask for the big guns. Well, I get nothing. Not even an itty bitty teensy tiny little BB.

Apparently lefty - my bitchy oh-very ovary - decided to hold on to two cysts after my last cycle. We still have a 19mm and 13mm hanging on for dear life. No Femara this cycle. No IUI this cycle. No nothing.

Dr. T said that I won't get pg this cycle, so go ahead & try to get pg. Isn't that how it works? :) I return to the dildo cam on day 2 or 3 of my next cycle to see if the cysts are still there. They better not be! If everything looks good, we'll do Femara + trigger + IUI + whatever else we can before moving towards not being able to afford IVF.

Until then, we have hair highlighting, sushi, acupuncture, wine, hot dogs, tuna fish, mammogram, caffeine, deli meat, soft cheeses, flu vaccinations, soft serve ice cream, ibuprofen, and running with scissors.

Back to the Drawing Board

Dr. T will be the artist. In fact, he better be the smartest artist because I'm going back to hear more of his craftsmanship tomorrow. Hhhhmmm . . . wonder what we'll do now? I'm thinking we need to bring out the BIG GUNS.

Ya know, them big gunz usually be lotsa monies and all too. Better keep learnin' theees kidz my mad grammar an spellin' skillz. I be tryin' ta make lots moneys to pay fer sum babiez.

It Takes GUTS

Beauty Brands is offering Redken's GUTS for 50% off retail through November 1st. (That's means it's only $7.98!) Best of all: 100% of your purchase goes to local domestic abuse shelters in your area.

I've used the Guts product before, and a very small amount can bring lots of volume to your hair without making it sticky or stiff. Try it out for yourself, or buy one for someone else just so you can help.

Click here for more information on how to help or how to get help. Way to go Beauty Brands for stepping up to help our communities!

[image borrowed from the Beauty Brands website]

Where to go from here?

So now what?

I spent yesterday feeling the worse menstrual cramps I've ever had. They were so bad that they woke me up early yesterday and my pelvis even hurt today. Thankfully, it wasn't like the pain that comes with a natural m/c, but between feeling uncomfortable and upset, I was pretty much a hot mess all day. I took a two hour nap & still went to bed before midnight.

I woke up today and made a decision that I would not be having a pity party. My mom called this afternoon, and we talked for a very long time. Sometimes when I don't feel well, I just need my mom. She offered to come over, but I told her not to worry about it since there's absolutely nothing she can do.

I'm now feeling under the weather and hoping it's not a precursor to the lovely flu that is parading throughout our school. I sprayed the crap out of my classroom on Friday after finding out one of my students has the flu. Hopefully that will help at least a little bit.

I'll call Dr. Terrific, Nurse Excellent, and Nurse Amazing tomorrow and tell them to pull out the next set of big guns. I figure that we'll try the Femara with IUI again, and I am telling them that I want to trigger this time. If that combo doesn't work, I don't know what will happen. Dr. T has already mentioned IVF, but that is not in the budget for our teachers' incomes.

So, after the call to Dr. T tomorrow, I'll set up acupuncture, chiropractic and massage appointments, have some sushi, and try like hell to remain positive. I even doubled the dosage for my happy pills for the next week in hopes that will help a little. I'm so disappointed that my body continues to fail me time & time again. I have done nothing to deserve this heartache. Never have I been perfect, but IF is nothing that I deserve.

I just do NOT feel like I won't ever get pregnant and have a baby. Those thoughts and feelings and dreams really do wane sometimes, but I don't think God wants me to not be a mother. Thinking about DH not being a father kills me just as much. In my entire life, I have never imagined not being a mom or having a home with children. I've always been the babysitter, baby holder, helper, and more. I have witnessed three live births and been in the waiting room for many, many, many others.

Now I want us to be the Mommy and Daddy. I want us to be the ones having the baby while everyone waits in the waiting room for the wonderful news. I want to see the looks on our parents faces when they see their grandchildren for the first time. I want our pets to be the pets that love on, play with, and protect our babies. I want our home to be taken over by baby paraphernalia and toys. I simply CAN NOT give up on that. Probably because I can't imagine the alternative, but I just can't give up. I can't imagine not being pregnant, not having a baby, not being a mommy, not being a family. I just can't.

I really appreciate all the sweet comments, emails, and other contact you've all shared with me. Knowing you all are on our side makes it a little easier to live through the disappointment again & again.

Life After Infertility

I saw this article on another person's blog (don't remember whose), and honestly, I haven't read it yet. After a quick scan, I did want to pass it along in case it can help anyone else.

May Go Private

I'm very seriously considering taking this blog into the land of private blogs. This has absolutely nothing to do with my crappy day today.

In case you care, I HATE blogs that are private because they don't work in my Google Reader. I honestly don't read them very often because they aren't in my GR. However, there are a few people in the far-reaches of my world (more like people of my past worlds) that I do NOT want having access to anything about my IF journey.

If you're reading this, you aren't one of those people. Whether you know me or not, whether you've ever commented or not, I still want you to have access to my ramblings - and I still need your support.

Please leave me a comment or shoot me an email that contains your email.

Betrayal

My body betrays me yet again. AF reared her ugly red-headed slut self with a vengeance this morning. She showed up three days early just to rub it in. Fuck my body.

Patience is a Virtue

I do not have. BFN this morning. It's only 9dpiui but it was still as stark white as my ass . . . without the dimples. I'll try again maybe Sunday or Monday.

I've Been Given Permission

to "pee on things." When I told DH that I'm not feeling so great (explained the watermelon/rubber band ute and heavy boobs), he told me to not "get excited and cross your fingers." Damn naysayer.

I asked DH when he thought I should test. After I explained when I could/should test - because he has no clue and hasn't asked a damn thing about anything - he said I could start peeing on things. I asked him what things. His reply, "Whatever you want. It obviously doesn't matter to Mackey (our dog). He pees on everything & I can just yell 'Who peed on THIS?'"

On a totally different note: I love my dog. Stevie makes me smile, cry with joy, and warms my heart on a constant basis. If I feel jsut some of this with a baby I will be more than blessed, more than fulfilled, and absolutely insane with love.

I know I'm talking/rambling/blogging a lot today. I'm nervous and excited and hopeful and prepared for complete disappointment.

You Know You're in the Throes of Infertility When

You talk about sperm.




With your Dad.

Phantom Symptom Update

Today I'm 8dpiui and thinking *maybe* there are some more phantom symptoms.

* My boobs are aching just a tad.

* My uterus feels like it's filled with a huge watermelon & hanging by rubber bands inside my lower abdomen.

* Today I was a cranky bitch. And I mean cranky. (If my lil' banana bread, singer friend in Nashville is reading this, ask your mom. She'll confirm. Oh, and I miss you!) Somebody at school spoke to me cross and I wasn't in the mood.

* Some smells are a bit stronger to me, but not like pregnant bloodhound nose smells yet.

* I'm craving Sprite. Had it twice in the past 3 days & it sounds good again. I'm a DP drinker when I do enjoy my one per day.

* There might be some additional saliva in my mouth, but I've been craving Sprite and just ate some candy. ;)

* Very light, dull headache - but that's not uncommon.

* Tired - but not pg like beatdown dead tired.

* I'd also like to claim pg brain, but I think I just need some sleep. That and I'm an idiot sometimes.

There ya have it. The next big decision is when to test. If the evil, red-headed slut is coming, AF will be here on Tuesday. However, I have some drinking plans tonight, tomorrow & maybe Saturday. Yeah, I'm a loser. Really though . . . I just don't want to see any more sticks that are as stark white as my nekkid ass.

Other than a BFP (and a heartbeat, etc.), what do I want next? THIS:

Yep, morning sickness. Didn't have much with my three pregnancies, so I'm ready to hurl like a champion.

Oh, and since I tend to ramble, I'm getting sick & tired of people saying, "What if this doesn't work? What's next?" I want to respond, "Why don't you just STFU?" Thinking about it now makes me wanna go get cranky again.

Before I Go to Sleep

I must update you all. I mean, God forbid I get sleep without updating you all with my phantom symptoms.

Today's P.S.:
- uterus feels so heavy (like a weight is in it)
- thirsty
- boobs feel different, kinda sore but not really sore
- can't stand the smell of onions or Pippin's breath
- tired
- some light bloating
- can't stand having anything against my waist
- weird feelings of pressure, stretching & other stuff in the uterine area
- strangeness in my throat, not nausea or vomiting, but icky

Going to bed. I'd hate to add really cranky to this list.

New Blog for Kelsey

Please check out Patti's new blog for Kelsey and their family. The UP Family

Kelsey had a tough day today, so go by when you can and share some love with them. Your continued prayers are appreciated.

Please Pray for Kelsey

I am enclosing an email and photo I received from my friend & neighbor. Patty & Andy’s daughter, Kelsey was taken by emergency c-section at only 31.5 weeks because doctors felt something was “wrong” and she would be safer outside the womb. Kelsey was born premature with her family to later learn that she has Down’s Syndrome, heart issues, and a myriad of other health problems that come with being a preemie. She is now facing open heart surgery with complications.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. They have experienced the heartbreaking journey of IF, and finally have their two babies. Unfortunately, the past seven weeks have been extremely rough for Kelsey, her parents, and her big brother (Keeton, age 2½ ). The road ahead is difficult and dangerous. Patti is also dealing with some health issues that concern her as well.

When I asked Patti if it was okay for me to pass on her requests, she was thankful that I would ask others to join us in prayer. Feel free to pass this on to your prayer groups, church groups and friends. If you'd like to use the above photo as a button for your blog, please feel free to do so. I’ll keep you updated as I can.

Until then, thank you.
__________________________________________

Kelsey's not getting better, Wednesday and Thursday she started getting worse and Friday was very scary for us. We met the with the NICU team of nurses and doctors to discuss our options and at first, they wanted her to have open heart surgery ASAP. But the pediatric cardiologist thought she was too little and it would be too dangerous (meaning she wouldn't make it out of surgery). She spent the whole morning talking to us, the heart surgeons, and the NICU doctors trying to figure out what would be the best for Kelsey. The three problems with her heart I mentioned in the last email (PDA, VSD and ASD) were getting to be too much for her little body to handle. Her lungs and body were filling up with fluid and she was having a hard time breathing. On top of that her platelets were continuing to drop and she had to get platelets twice, once on Tuesday and then again on Friday. Friday they put her back in her incubator and back on IV fluids only and thought it best not to hold her. Then told us we needed to decide if we wanted to move her to "Hospital C" or "Hospital M" (changed for privacy reasons - there are two major pediatric hospitals in the area) and if we wanted to do surgery to only fix the PDA (it's on the outside of the heart) now and hope she improves so we can do open heart surgery when she bigger (at least 8 lbs) or do we want to risk doing open heart surgery now and fix them all (VSD and ASD are the holes in the heart). Another risk for the open heart is that putting you on the heart and lung pump burns platelets and she has a problem with making platelets. Needless to say, Friday and Saturday was a tough time for us trying to get all the info we need to make this decision. We did a lot of praying and talking to doctors and anyone else that could help us.

So, Saturday afternoon we decide to go with "Hospital M" (one of the hospitals which is closer to home) and plan on doing just the PDA surgery first, sometime this week. We've prayed about this decision and asked God to give us the wisdom to make the right decision and now we have to trust in Him to give us a peace about it. This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We don't know how this week will unfold but have to trust it's in God's hands. Kelsey will probably be moved to Hospital M (the new hospital) tomorrow (Monday morning). Then the heart surgeon and cardiologist will have to decide when her surgery will be for the PDA. Also, Hospital M has a pediatric hematologist that will also look at her and try to figure out what's going on with her blood ("Hospital P" where she's been didn't have ped. hematologist). We're also going to have a ped. liver doctor look at her because her liver is still too large and we have never gotten a good answer as to why. She will probably still be in the incubator and on IV fluids until they can get all this done.

Tuesday will be 7 weeks since she was born and we aren't much closer to getting her home. That's very discouraging to us but at the same time we are hopeful the change in hospitals, a new set of doctors looking at her and the surgery to close the PDA will make a BIG difference. We definitely need your prayers for Kelsey, both of us and big brother Keeton. It's been a long 7 weeks and we still have a long way to go.

Also, tomorrow I have my gallbladder function test at 11:30am. Pray we find the answers we need for me. Not the best timing for this gallbladder but God know how much we can handle and we are depending on Him more than ever for His strength, His peace and His hope to help us through all of this.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!!!

Love,

Patti and Andy

Back by Popular Demand

Or should I say "Back Because Some of You People are Nosy?" or "Back Because I Have No Humility & Share It All?" :)

Today's phantom symptoms listed with possible causes:

Symptom.....................................................Possible Cause(s)

1. Woke up STARVING.............................didn't eat dinner last night, being a fat cow, pregnancy

2. Peed several times today......................drank plenty of water, old age, loss of bladder control, pregnancy

3. Irritable...............................................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, tired & hungry, probably peed on myself, Femara s/e, pregnancy

4. Awful afternoon headache....................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, Femara s/e, cold front coming in, just being a bitch in general, stress, need for chocolate, pregnancy

5. Skin breaking out...................................stress, hormones, wanting to be a teenager, pregnancy

6. Tired........................................................lack of sleep, being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, pregnancy

ETA: 7. Threw up in the back of my throat again............could be school cafeteria cheese nachos for lunch, pregnancy GROSS

Phantom Symptom Watch

I'm a whole 4dpiui (that's 4 days past IUI for those who don't want to search for the meaning). It's time for the monthly Phantom Symptom Watch! I've already googled 4dpiui + symptoms and 5dpiui + symptoms, but that doesn't help much.

Here's what I got for ya so far:

• I go from cold to sweating my ass off in a heartbeat. Probably the lingering effects of Femara.
• I kinda threw up in my mouth the other day.
• I'm farting like a champion.
• I have had major pangs of starvation (not hunger) out of the blue. I'm a fat girl. My stomach doesn't growl. :)
• Within an hour of eating, it feels like someone punched me in the diaphram (high up in the stomach).
• Some cramping and some tug-of-war feelings in female reproductive area.
• My nipples are a little tender and sensitive.
• Moodiness - but that's just me.

P4 check on Tuesday (day 21), but that's not going to tell me anything. I'm sure by next weekend I'll be searching for sticks in the backyard and peeing on other things around theh ouse. Now that I have officially proven yet again that I'm insane, I hope that Newtlet & Maria are happy now. (And note, V, that I'm still sleeping with the freaking mermaid.)

Anyone else want to share what other 5+dpiui symptoms you've had or that I can/should have?

Here we go . . .

2dpiui and I'm already fabricating symptoms. Yes, two whole days. P4 check next week, so that'll give me something to (kind of) focus on for a few days. Maybe.

This is going to be a LONG 2ww!

No Pep Rally Here

After dropping off my ring & learning that I need a new iPod, I headed back to the ARTS Center to pick up DH's masterpiece. All washed and clean, I carried the styrofoam cup protecting the test-tube with pride. Goodness knows there wasn't anywhere in my purse to put it, and I sure as hell wasn't going to cruise around a huge hospital and parking lot with a big, white cup in between my tits.

I stood in line for the first time ever at Dr. T's office. With cup in hand. How sexy was I? Hhhmmm . . . wonder why I was there? :) When I asked the receptionist if she needed to send it back while I waited, you'd thought I'd offer her a sip of arsenic-laced tea. We both laughed. Kinda. I reviewed the lab report, trying to decipher it. All I noticed was low volume and low morphology due to lack of abstinence. Of course, I get concerned. While I'm waiting, I'm texting back & forth with my friend Sarah, who is my own doc on the side. (Well, she's not a doctor but she plays one in my IF life.) She seems less concerned than I am about numbers.

Nurse Amazing, who works for Dr. Terrific and with Nurse Excellent, escorts me back to take my blood pressure. Being that it was extremely high yesterday, she's telling me to relax and think good thoughts. She then begins taking deep breaths and says, "Think babies." I think BABY (singular!) but my bp is still high. That's what anxiety will do to you.

I am taken to an exam room - the same room where we saw our first and only fetal heartbeat so many months ago. I change into my pretty paper skirt and hop up on the table. Nurse A comes back in and asks how many IUIs we've had. I tell her that I've so many parties down there that I'm surprised I know the answer is zero. She laughs. Humor deflects nervousness for me, I suppose.

Dr. T comes in and tells me to assume the position. I don't even stare at the sign above me like I used to do. (I took the pic at the top of this post so you could experience my view.) Funny Dr. T has it hanging on the ceiling above all his exam tables. :) He looks at the numbers from the lab & says they look "GREAT!" The goal is to have 16 million motile sperm post-wash, and DH's proud soldiers numbered 38.9 mighty million! I was so proud of my husband and his workers.

As he preps the catheter, I ask Dr. T if he has any pep rally music or if Nurse Excellent could come in and do a cheer. (See again the above-mentioned humor deflecting nervousness.) We both thought I was funny, and Dr. T said that was a good idea. I then elevated my hips for about 15ish minutes, and he came in and said goodbye.

Feeling a little bit of disappointment for the lack of pomp & circumstance, I asked Dr. T where to go from here. I suppose he was a blond before he began to turn gray, my wonderful inseminator told me how to get to the exit of the office. Poor guy. Once I told him that I knew my way around his office fairly well, I was told to wait for a couple of weeks to see if AF shows. Yep, it was all that uneventful. However, as I was walking out, Dr. T said, "You know, you kind of have a glow to you." Nurse A agreed. "Maybe you're already pregnant!" he called out. I smiled and hoped that he was right.

DH called as I was leaving the parking lot, and I told him how wonderful he and his boys were today. I went and had some air added to my tires, got lunch, went home & ate. The cramping started soon after, so I had a nap. Now I'm just sitting on my ass with some cramping while wondering how I'm going to entertain myself over the 2ww.

Is This a Test?

After dropping off DH's mighty soldiers to the ARTS lab this morning, I headed to Panera for some breakfast, hot tea, and 1 on 1 laptop time. I carefully prepared my Earl Grey like I want it, and headed to my table.

That's when I saw it. A beautiful, silver, FAT money clip on the ground. I looked around to see mainly women in the cafe. I slowly picked up the clip . . .

. . . and headed to the counter and turned it in. Darnit. I'm hoping this was a test by God to make sure I'm a good person. :) Maybe it's because I feel asleep praying last night. haha

Slept okay last night - at least a few hours - and I've enjoyed traffic, carrying around a cup between my breasts, breakfast, and now some hot tea. When the mall opens at 10, I will visit Tiffany & Co. to see if my ring can be repaired. I will then visit the Apple store to see if my iPod can be repaired.

After dropping off a $170 cup of sperms, heading to two fairly expensive (and dangerous) stores, and paying for the IUI, this could be an expensive day. And it's not even 10am.

*** One other important thing: I know many strangers, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and family (well, sisters & cousins) read our blog. If you know me personally, I would appreciate you keeping your discussion of this blog and our IF journey between you and me and the blog. I haven't had any issues regarding this matter, but I am surprisingly a somewhat private person about certain things - the details of our infertility being one of them. (Guess DH has rubbed off on me some!) I'd be more than happy to talk with you about it all and answer any questions you may have, but I'd prefer that not everyone at work, home, friends, acquaintances, etc. know exactly what's going on in my personal life and discuss it outside of my presence. Thanks for your respect and consideration. I appreciate all of the prayers and love and reaching out from everyone. Please keep it up!

I'm off to make another cup of tea and head to the mall. More updates later. Love all of you!

NEXT BIG THING

After another OPK-challenging cycle, I called Nurse Excellent today. I left her a rambling voice mail which basically said, "I'm an idiot . . . can't read an OPK . . . got new ones that aren't digital . . . had O symptoms . . . what to do . . . can I come in . . . I'm at work . . . should I come in . . . have the school secretary push your call to me . . . I'm sorry . . . I'll have kids in my room, so I might speak in code . . . I know I'm a pain . . . thank you so much . . . and so on.

Nurse E and I talked a few times today. I'm so desperate that I actually say the words "egg white cervical mucus" while on the phone. Out loud. In front of my fourth graders. Dear mercy, I hope they thought I was ordering breakfast.

In talking with Nurse E I learn that, of course, Dr. Terrific was gone for the afternoon. I told Nurse E that I refused to let Young Dr. R near my hooha again, for fear that he might repeatedly mistake a large artery for an ovary. Dumbass. But I digress . . . My two options - meet with Old Dr. R (stupid Young Dr. R's awesomely smart dad) and take an impromptu half day off to do it (teachers know how freaking difficult this is) OR let Nurse E and I did our own little sonogram. Guess what we did? :)

I teach about twenty miles from the doctor's office, but thanks to the traffic gods I made it there in, let's say, ummmmmm 20ish minutes. Thanks to an awesome colleague/friend, I left as my kids actually left the front door. I got there and, walking half-nekkid around the exam room, we girls got down to bidness. Before jumping on the fancy bed with lovely crocheted stirrups, I dropped four or five used OPKs on the counter and said, "This is why I'm losing my mind." Of course, they all had CD #s and times written on them with varying degrees of darkness of pink lines here & there. Nurse E MUST think I'm losing it, and I just proved it to her. So, standing there still half-nekkid in front of Nurse E and my crappy sticks, we determined that I might have surged yesterday. Maybe.

I hopped up on the fancy table while Nurse E fired up the dildo cam. She took some measurements and was awesomely good with it all, showing me stuff along the way. Just to confirm everything, "Old Dr. R" (Young Dr. R's dad) did a backup u/s. He saw the line of pink sticks and probably thought I'd lost my mind and agreed that I probably durged yesterday (CD13 - early for me) and declared that I should O in the next 12 or so hours. Looked like a delightful trilaminar, 13mm lining with a possiblity of 4 little follies ready to get to work. I'm honestly not sure if I've Od or not, but I think I might have.

My instructions? Go home, have sex tonight, come back tomorrow for insemintation.

That's right. You heard it. IUI tomorrow!


Yep, I was just seeing if you were actually reading this blog. :)


I then drove another 20 miles back to school to write plans & get my shit together prepare everything for my sub.

On the way there, I flitted through 5:00 traffic and listened to some Christian music which always calms and focuses me. The words that I heard soared through my heart. I went from freaking out to calm to crying to praying to hoping again. Yes, I said hoping.

For hope to stand, one must have faith. I have faith and now I'm holding on to hope. I know with hope there is also fear and disappointment, but I must focus on the hope and cling to my faith. When the fear overcomes me, I will pray. And I will pray the prayer I say every day, "Lord, bless us with a child that we can carry to term and deliver as a healthy angel of yours for us to raise on Earth for you." All of the prayers, good thoughts, love, and good vibes you can muster are requested and appreciated.

Lord, hear our prayers.

I will update you tomorrow as I can. I'm sure there will be much prayer with much comedy along the way. Thanks . . . . . . .

BIG TONIGHT & BIG TOMORROW

Big stuff going on here people . . . BIG!

First BIG thing first: My friend Jenn is in Labor & Delivery right now! Please send your love and prayers her way. Jenn's water broke earlier (I got the call close to 5pm CDT) and her DH, Hal, took her to the hospital. Since Halle is a bit stubborn - like her mom, maybe? - she is breech and will be delivered via c-section at 9pm CDT. C'mon baby Halle! We can't wait to meet you! Love you Jenn!

Next BIG thing: Ohmygoodnessgracious! Big Brother's season finale is tonight!!! It's DVRing right now, so I don't have to waste any time with stupid commercials. I've watched every season of this wonderfully ridiculous show, and I'm excited about the finale! GO JORDAN! (or Kevin if not Jordan, but definitely not Natalie)

Another BIG thing tonight: Biggest Loser's season premiere! A local favorite is Abby Riker. Her story is heartbreaking. Her husband went to the same high school as I did, but he was (of course) much younger. I LOVE this show, and I'm rooting for the home girl! You can do it, Abby!

Oh, and another big thing: is coming tomorrow! You better stay tuned. I'm serious. You might like it and not want to miss out! In fact, if you check back soon, it might be tomorrow. This is cool enough to earn its own post.

Let the Peeing Begin!

CD12. I'm feeling like crap today, but I got my butt out of bed and ran to CVS for some drugs and new OPKs. Since Dr. Terrific said he wasn't really hip on the digitals, I got some of the old timey kind. DH got a lesson on "what I'm doing" right now, but before I started to speak he asked if I seriously wanted him to poas. No, dear. Just hold your pee and listen. Other than DH actually getting to poas, my little lesson on opk lines is about as involved as he can be for now. Yes, for now.

I shall spend the next few days peeing and staring at lines and hoping and praying and repeating it.

Whatever. I'm still here.

I'm CD11 and I guess I'll start pOPKs now. I'm not really "in" to this cycle. It's probably a mixture of things - stress from work, exhaustion, sinus infection/cold thing, headaches, and fear of failure again. My symptoms aren't really there - just headaches (also from sinuses) and weird, itchy feelings around the scars from my lap surgery. Hmph. Hurry up and wait. Maybe I subconsciously don't want to imagine it happen for fear that I'll actually have hope.

Getting pg this cycle would be awesome for many reasons. The first, ultimately, is having a baby! This would be great timing since we'd have an early June due date. That would give us the summer vacation to have our baby and get used to being parents for a while without the stress of work. (I won't start worrying about child care quite yet.) There's of course the age thing. I am getting older, and 42 will come in March.

I do worry that if my body doesn't respond to Femara this round that it won't respond at all. Then what? IVF? Can't afford that. Ugh . . . no need to worry at this minute. Maybe in an hour. Think I'll eat a sandwich and take a nap instead.

Well . . .

. . . I don't really have much to share right now. Surprising, I know.

Finished my 5th day of Femara today. Very few s/e other than a couple of days of headaches and being hot. Not hot flashes, but so hot that I have a hard time cooling off, sweat, and anything against my face (like a pillow) feels hot.

Tired from school, think I might be getting sick w/ sinus or cold stuff.

Other than that . . . meh.

A Love Letter

Dear Follies,

Today is CD1, so you know what that means. Game on. I expect you to grow this month. The Femara you got last month is being doubled, so prepare yourselves - ALL of you. You WILL grow, you WILL mature, you WILL not run from the IUI catheter, you WILL fall in love with DH's sperm, and you WILL be fertilized. You WILL then become the baby we've been praying for the past few years, and the baby you become WILL stay put until next June.

Don't let me down this time, my follies. I am back in teacher mode, so I'm not kidding. Lack of growth, maturity, and seriousness will NOT be tolerated this month. Get it together - and now. Seriously.

Love,
The owner of the ovaries that will be hosting you.

PM to Kristi -- Sounds exciting and scary all at once. You can email me at kekis26 at gmail dot com if you like. :)