Dog Parenting

Yesterday, DH and I walked the dogs. We have started walking them all separately because they seem to behave better. DH took Pippin in one direction and planned to walk Mackey afterwards. I took Steve in another direction with the almost always needed bags for poop in hand. As Stevie and I walked, I filled a bag with a bunch of leaves from a neighbor's yard. It's much easier to pick up a big, fresh, warm mound of dog poop when it's covered with leaves.

Surprisingly, Steve didn't give me a need to use the bag, so I saved it for DH's walk with Mack. As DH brought Pippin in and leashed Mackey up, I told him the bag was on the entry table for him to use if he wanted to take it. He asked, "Why a bag of leaves?" I told him the same thing I just told you about picking up fresh poop.

His reply? "You'll be great with kids, Dear." I told him I hope so! :)

I know it sounds silly, but hearing that from the man I love - the father of my future children - really warmed my heart and gave me hope. I think he'll be great with kids, too.

In Case I Needed a Reminder

Good thing I already knew that. Hope 2010 is a much better year!

Prayers Needed

I've asked you before, and I'll ask again. Please send your prayers to "The UP Family" - Kelsey and her parents, Patti and Andy, and big brother Keeton. My friends need us all right now, and they are hoping your prayers will help.

A New Old Friend

First of all, thank you for all of your sweet comments yesterday. I've thankfully moved through the point where I would spend the day crying and feeling sorry for myself, but the thoughts of our first baby are always present in my mind.

Last night continued my path through the land of pregnancy loss and infertility. I had the awesome opportunity to meet an old friend for the first time. Now, I know that sounds strange. How could I meet an old friend for the first time? Well, let me tell you . . .

A couple of years ago - I can't remember if it was after losing baby #1 or baby #2 - I joined an amazing group of ladies on the Nest's Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss board. It was incredible place where I could be safe and express my true feelings because everyone there understood. They were in the depths with me. If you have ever experienced a m/c, you know that really the only people who can truly understand what you are going through are the people who are going through it also.

I made so many friends on that board. Yes, they were internet friends but they were friends. Many still are, and many are becoming IRL friends now too. One woman who has always been on my side encouraging me and loving me through it all is "NoVaIrish." I thankfully got to meet her face-to-face for the first time last night.

It was such a surreal experience. Just as it was the first time I met Katie and Maria, NoVa and I practically ran to each other and just hugged one another for a long time. We talked openly about everything. We already knew one another. We know each other's hearts which speaks volumes. It was awesome. After spending less than five minutes together, it just felt like we had done this many times before. I think at one point we were finishing each other's sentences and saying the same thing at the same time! And, of course, we both have a love for babies and beer (in that order!).

The cherry on top of that awesome friend sundae was that I got to meet NoVa's son as well. I knew him as his mother's dream long before he was conceived. Meeting Baby Michael felt like I was seeing a nephew for the first time. I knew who he was when I saw him, and I couldn't take my eyes off him for the longest time. Just like with Maria's EJ, the babynapping thoughts flooded my brain, but yet again I didn't have a car seat for a quick getaway. haha!

Like his Mommy and Auntie Kekis, Michael likes beer too. ;) Okay, it's just the bottle he likes but he IS teething ya know.

And after a few beers fun night of playing, I took Michael on my own for a while. NoVa was totally cool with me taking her kid with me when I needed to go to the bathroom, getting his diaper changed, and walking around. I decided to see if I still had that magic touch, and got Michael to sleep. I still have it! That's when the self-portraits began.

I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to meet an old friend. It's difficult to find other women in your own personal circle of friends who truly know you and what you are going through. Some people don't understand the kind of connection we have, but only because they haven't experienced it before. It's truly like seeing an old friend again - even if you've never seen one another before.

December 5

Dear Baby #1,

Your Daddy and I were married on March 10, 2007 and made you sometime in the following week while on a relaxing honeymoon in the USVI. We found about you a little over two weeks later on March 27, and we were both so shocked! Your Daddy didn't quite believe me the first couple of times (days!) I told him. Never did we believe that we could conceive a child so easily. You were a blessing that we figured we would have to wait on for a long time.

We found out that you were to be born on this date, December 5, in 2007. As thrilled parents-to-be, we told almost everyone we could. They were excited to hear our wonderful news. We couldn't wait to be your parents. How excited we were to learn more about you and meet you and hold you and love you and celebrate Christmas with you. I felt as if you were a girl, even though I was barely pregnant. I had some slight nausea, was extremely fatigued, and my breasts were absolutely killing me. All I wanted to eat was crackers, chicken fingers, and potatoes.

Sadly, we learned on April 25 that we would not get to meet you here on Earth. I was devastated. I would never get to feel you moving in my belly or hold you or play with your Daddy or run with your pets or watch you grow. It's so amazingly difficult to explain to many others how I can miss you although I never met you. But I do. Every single day.

So, on the day that we wish that we could be celebrating your second birthday, I wanted you to know that I love you and miss you. You are my first angel, and my heart has a special place just for you. I will never, ever forget what you meant to me and the hopes and dreams I had for you.

Until we meet again,
Your Mommy

Take Five (or Twenty-Five)

After talking with DH tonight, we are going to take a break from TTC for at least this month. December is always so crazy for us between work, parties, Christmas, guests, and more. DH is starting grad school in January and will be taking the GRE on the day we might need to do an IUI.

When I told him that after looking at our December calendar thus far, it might be best for us to hold off on "official baby-making" for this month. I was honestly a bit surprised that he was a bit hesitant. I feel as if I've been the one pushing this whole TTC process, and it was nice to know that it matters to him as well.

With all that said, we are going to take the next 25 days to enjoy, relax, have sex for fun, hang out, and spend time with family and friends. No meds, no poas, no charting, no temping, no stress. We'll need to get ready for 2010 . . . this will have to be it for us - baby or bust!

It's Here

My very first trigger shot arrived today.

It was in a ridiculously oversized box:

Which only held these three things:

That needle looks awfully big.

DH asked who is giving me that shot.

I looked at him longingly. He turned away. I then told him either my mom (a nurse) or Dr. Terrific would do it. It's not that I don't trust DH to do it, but I just don't want to put him in that position. Not to mention that I don't think he wants to inject me in the first place!

Nor do I want my ass to hurt any more than it has to hurt. (It does go into my butt doesn't it?)

So . . . it's here. Now what?

Christmas Card Ideas

(Note: I started this last night, finished it this morning, and finally have a chance to post.)

Effing Xmas cards. I'm tired of them. I'm tired of putting the thought and heart into them each year. We have photos taken, include photos of the pets, maybe write a little something, have custom printing done, go over the list to keep it under 150, address all of the envelopes, seal, stamp & mail them all. It's just a lot of money and work, and just don't really feel like it.

I feel like this year we should send them out to look something like this:

We'll just use last year's photo and this year's text, which should have/could have been text for the past two years.

If it's not appropriate to send these out - and believe me, I'm tempted - I may not send any out at all. Instead, I'll wait for all the precious, cute, wonderful cards from family and friends with their precious children that I don't have. How's that for some bitter Christmas candy?

Lots Going On In There

I survived the terrible H1N1 virus, and I am slowly rejoining humanity. I've been out of the house a couple of times, and I'm headed back to work tomorrow. After going through the swine flu, I can see how people with underlying medical conditions can die from it. It's that awful. I'm disappointed that we missed this past cycle, but I'm looking it as an opportunity to have lots of wine with my Thanksgiving meal . . . or something like that.

There is a lot going on in my head. I need to sort a bunch of it out before I begin putting any of it to paper. I'm just in one of those "places." I'm not sure how to describe it, really, but I'm just kinda quiet right now. Typically, quiet for me is not good. However, this is a quiet I need to get through the rest of 2009, through the holidays, through some things I need to figure out. There is nothing anyone can do to help me. I'm the only one who can do it. It's not all good, not all bad. Some of it's in between.

Don't worry . . . I'll still be blogging. I don't know what it will be about, but I'll be around to ramble some more.

Cancelling IUI

I was diagnosed this morning with H1N1, so I'm going to cancel this cycle. My FMS is scheduled for Monday, but I just don't feel well enough right now to even think of going through everything this week.

Hope nobody reading has to deal with the swine flu. This is AWFUL.

Dear Puncturer

Dear Puncturer,

You must've hit something more than my "channel" yesterday. My thumb is bruised, swollen and sore today. No more needle in thumb please. Ouchie.

From Your Puncturee

Pictures of Puncturing

Today I told my Puncturer that he should take some photos so I could show my DH (and all of you, too, but I thought he might think that to be a bit odd). The Puncturer thought it was a great idea!

He pulled my phone out of my purse, inserted my needles and began clicking away. I soon felt as if I were a tourist attraction. The funniest part of the whole photographing process happened before he took the first photo. While I'm stretched out with needles, I keep my eyes closed. The Puncturer begins counting, "1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . ." and I start laughing. I said, "You don't need to count. I can't see you, and I'm not going to smile!" He shot the photo and said, "You were smiling there!" You won't see that photo because it's awful. Not that the rest of these are flattering whatsoever but here they are.

Here you can see several needles in my fat, tired, zit-ridden face since I was stupid enough to want asked for some help with sinus pressure. You can see one in my forehead, two sticking sideways into each eyebrow, and one sticking out of each side of my nose. Those hurt.

Needles in my legs, feet, and even in my toes!

And the last one is of my big belly. You'll see the needles in my upper and mid stomach, along my bikini line, and in my hands and thumbs.

I can't believe I just showed the world those terrible shots. I have no dignity. The things I do for you people! Don't get your hopes up (or should I say don't worry) . . . there will NEVER EVER, EVER be ANY photos of me in the stirrups. EV-ER.

A New Award

After posting my last entry about being "back in the saddle," I began to think about all of the other men and women in this world that are doing the same. So many that need recognition that their words provide strength and inspiration to the rest of us. I decided that we needed a blog award to share with others and I got to work. Therefore, I present:

The Back in the Saddle Award

Background: This award is given to bloggers that are "Back in the Saddle" of life. This may be someone who is undergoing medical treatments, restarting his/her life, resurfacing after a tragedy, or someone who is just trying to sport a new attitude. Recipients have an attitude of a fighter, strive to be a winner of the battle, and show determination.

Rules: Post the award's graphic, background, and rules on your blog. Explain how you are "Back in the Saddle" again, and then pass the award on to at least four other bloggers who are "Back in the Saddle" just like you. Make sure you let them know that they have been given this award, and ask them to pass it on.

The first recipients of the prestigious Back in the Saddle Award are:

1. Shanny - Shanny is battling Infertility and refuses to give up. Keep going, girl!

2. Jen - After suddenly losing her husband last year, Jen has decided to get back on the horse called life and ride it with all her might.

3. No Swimmers - After losing her precious twin girls, N.S. recently became a mommy and is riding in a new saddle.

4. Sarah - Sarah is going to be a mommy next week! Thanks to the blessing of a birthmother, she and Jamie are adopting precious Payton who is scheduled to be born on November 9th.

5. WiseGuy - S is also battling IF and trying to maintain a positive attitude despite it all.

Back in the Saddle . . . Again

Cysts are gone! Nothing there but a couple of ovaries, all ripe for the growing of follies.

When I entered the office "across the street", the waiting room was void of all patients. Sweet! No beautifully round baby bellies staring at my broken, baby-killing uterus. When Nurse E took my bp (which was elevated again) and Dr. T came out to greet me, I said, "So this is what it's like on the other side! Let's get this going, so I can be here for real."

Being the completely immodest person I am, I start stripping once I walk into the exam room. Don't think the door was even closed - maybe I should work on that a bit. Nurse E, not being like my puncturer, wasn't fazed a bit. Dr. T comes in and proves that my ovaries are lovely. He used a machine that is being replaced on Monday for a newer model. That's when I had a great idea.

Dr. T and I discussed it, and we are going to start a business. Since we live merely a few blocks away from one another, we are going to take the old u/s machine to his house. He'll open up his garage doing FMS and u/s for $20. We're going to start recruiting the neighborhood infertiles first, and go from there. I'll let you know how that goes. ;)

Anyway . . . I started the Femara again yesterday and go back on the 9th for an FMS. Depending on what we see, we'll get ready for an hcg trigger shot and IUI. The worst part of this cycle is that my FSA (flexible spending account for medical) is gone. I've used all $1500 of it this year. It'll cost me cash out of my pocket now.

As I stepped out of the exam room, there was an obviously pregnant woman with her husband waiting to come in. Nurse E had just asked her how many weeks along she was (30) and if she'd done her glucose test (yes). Dr. T and I walk by them, and then is how it goes:

Dr. T: "Hey, do mind if she rubs your belly?"

Girl: smiles.

Dr. T: "She's infertile."

Girl: most likely freaks out on the inside.

Me: "I'll touch her belly if she takes the glucose test again." (insert cheeky smile)

Everyone: Game over.

I swear that Dr. T guy is insane sometimes. Any other person saying that would've gotten a punch in the head.

Another interesting moment happened as I was leaving the hospital. Walking down the hall, I see a girl with an obviously precious new baby in her arms. I walk the other way because I'm bitter and just not up to it after the belly-rub incident. I enter the elevator and push the button for the door to close. As the doors slide together, new mom with new baby walks up to the elevator and tries to step in. I jump to push the door open button and being pushing it frantically. I accidentally pushed the door close button. Oops. The doors close, and I am safe. (It really was an accident. I'm bitter but not rude.)

I left the building laughing out loud at myself because I am the insane one now. Maybe I caught it from Dr. T.

So, I'm Still Here

I haven't bled to death yet, so I guess I'll keep blogging. If you don't hear from me, you'll know that AF had her way with me and won. ;)

I went for acupuncture again today. This time it felt more like acuPUNCTURE than before. My puncturer asked if it was okay to be aggressive, so I said yes not knowing what aggressive meant. It meant he put needles in my scalp, on the top of my head, in my wrists and arms, on the sides of my finger, sticking out of my thumb, in my calves, on my back, into my neck, on my stomach, in my ankles, and some other places I lost count of along the way. When he put one of the needles into the side of my hand, it shot up my forearm clear up to my shoulder. I said, "Did you hit one of my nerves?" Puncturer said, "Western medicine call it nerve. We call it channel." Nerve, channel, I don't care. That was crazy. I think a few of those needles must've been way extra long & hit my ovaries. Okay, maybe they didn't really hit my ovaries but dang . . .

And now that I think about it, the only thing he had me take off today was my socks and shoes. Ha!

When I asked what the purpose was for this treatment today (in relation to IF), puncture man said that it was to "stimulate my uterine and ovaries" and "clear my woman channel". He also said to "find out what doctor say about cysts" and he will "make them goway if still there." Whatever. Just make it all work in there!

I go for my baseline u/s tomorrow. The worst part of it (other than AF being here and the dildo cam being involved with that) will be that Dr. T is on call, so I have to go "across the street." I know a few of you who read my blog know what that means since your doc is a part of the same practice as Dr. Terrific. "Across the street" means I'm going to the OB office. I've never made it across the street before. See, that's the good thing about Dr. T's office. The pregnant office and the unpregnant office are separate. So separate that they are across the street from one another.

It'll be okay though. The pg ladies and I will wait together. The lucky with the unlucky. The baby carriers with the baby killer. The fertiles with the infertile. The blessed with the unblessed. As long as nobody asks when I'm due, we'll be jjuuuusstttt fine.

It's Official

I appreciate your friendship, support, and readership these past however many months I've been blogging now. However, my time has come to say goodbye. I won't be able to blog anymore. The end is coming. I am going to kick the bucket. Croak. Head to the big house. I'm going to bleed to death and die.

After 2 weeks of AF last cycle, she's back again. Cycle 30 . . . here we are. The red-headed slut is out to kill this time. The cramps and flow are already killers on CD1. Of course, I've been spotting for 6 days, so I knew she was coming. Plus I hear that you at least have to have sex to get pregnant. Well, if one can even get pg without medical intervention.



Baseline u/s is scheduled for Friday. If the cysts are gone, then we'll be back in the saddle again. I'm not excited because I know this will probably be our last shot at IUI. Being that IVF is way out of our price range, and since I don't know of any docs who offer the "you po teeechers discount", I'm really scared that this will be the end of our road. One way or another, this might be it.

Since I can't worry about that or solving global warming tonight, hellcramps and I are going to bed. And yes, Auntie is coming with us. Bitch. If I don't croak in the night, I will blog again later this week.

So Much to Ramble . . .

So little energy to ramble it. Let's see . . . we'll start with one of my favorite phrases. I learned it from a client many years ago, and I have neither forgotten it nor stopped living it.

Pronounced "bo-hee-kah":

- Update: Had a nice, little conversation with the billing bimbo at Dr. G&D's office. I basically said, "So, since you're new in this position, I will assume your predecessor did not do her job effectively and is gone for a reason." I then had to call my benefits department to contact my now former insurance company to have them contact G&D's office. Incompetent fools.

- Got a bill from Dr. Terrific's office today for the failed IUI. Didn't think I'd get away with not getting billed for it since it didn't work. Yes, hope was still alive for that one!

- I had my first acupuncture appointment today. I'm interested to see what kind of long-term effects I will gain from it. I didn't feel the needles at.all. There was a bit of a radiating sensation from the needle site, but that was it. We are working on infertility, hand numbness, and back pain. Apparently, my "chi needs to be balanced and raised" and my "uterus needs to be warmed". Okay. I'm game for anything at this point. I even told the acupuncturist to hang me from the ceiling by my feet if he thought it would work. He didn't laugh. I thought it was kinda funny.

- Speaking of funny, I had an interesting moment at the acu office today. After the voodoo was done on my back, the acu had me move to another room for my front voodooing. He had me put on my shirt to move rooms vs. leave my pretty white paper shirt on to walk to the next room over. Then he told me to take my top off and roll up the legs of my pants. When I told him that I left my paper shirt in the other room, he said not to worry about it. Okay. So I stripped down and laid on the table. When Mr. Voodoo came into the room, he seemed a little rattled. It was at that point he grabbed a lab jacket and said, "Let's put this . . . uh . . . there." Oops. I think I was supposed to leave my bra on. He got a full Mardi-Gras style flashin' from me. Of course, I didn't think it was anything until I got in the car to go home. Mr. Voodoo probably thinks I'm a freak. Maybe I am. Infertility will do that to any sane woman, ya know.

- And for the record, I'm tired of former pregnancy loss and infertile women bitching, moaning, whining, and complaining. Many of these women are pg again for the 2nd time since I first got to know them after we both m/c. The complaining about being pg or being a mom must stop in person, on FB, in blogs, and anywhere else where I have access. STFU to all of you. If you want to trade places, I'll do it. Anything to ease your pain and discomfort.

That's all the rambling I can muster for now. I'm tired -- goodnight!

LAST CHANCE to Vote for Steve!

I know. Being infertile has made me a crazier dog mom than I was before. So, help an infertile mom of furbabies out here! The contest ends on Sunday, so please vote every day until then!

Are you serious????

I'm almost rendered speechless, but not quite.

I received by mail a bill on Thursday. Yes, on Thursday, October 15, 2009. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It was a bill from Dr. Gloom & Doom. For $945. For services rendered. In November & December 2008. This is the first and (I imagine) the last bill I have ever received from that office.

Guess who isn't getting a DIME of my money? If anything, that incompetent bastard owes ME money. I honestly don't have much else to say about this topic, other than fuck off Dr. G&D. All you have to do is piss me off once.

Remembering

I'm missing my three babies more than usual this week. Maybe it's because of today, maybe it's because of the unknown, or maybe it's because I cut my happy pill dosage in half, but it is for sure because I miss the babies I never got to meet or see or hold or smell or carry or watch grow up. It's so difficult to explain how you can miss someone you have never met. The only people who truly understand are the ladies who have experienced it. And for that - for all of you - I am thankful.

I don't understand why God has chosen this path for me. I don't like it, and I don't want it. However, here I am. All I can do is try to follow my path and pray that it leads to us having a baby of our own. As I say as a part of my daily prayer, "Lord, please heal my body so we can create a baby that I can carry to term and deliver healthy, so we can raise your little angel here on Earth for you."

I miss you and love you, my babies. I'm sorry that I failed you. I hope your Grannys and your Mary are rocking you for me now. I still wish that it was me though.

Remembering Our Babies

Please take a moment to watch this beautiful video, and remember to light a candle on October 15th at 7:00pm wherever you are in the world. Leave that candle burning for at least an hour, so one entire day of our world will be honored as remembrance of those babies - our babies - who have been lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.



I will light my candle this Thursday, October 15th, for my three babies who have left a wound in my heart that will never be completely healed. My candle will burn for my babies and for your babies. I pray they are all being loved, rocked, cradled, comforted, and playing in Heaven until we meet them there.

Double Your Awards, Double Your Fun

My bloggy friend, the WiseGuy, has awarded me with not only one but TWO (Did you hear that?- TWO!) blog awards.

The first award of which I have been bestowed, is the "Over the Top" blog award. Yeah, I'm over the top. Over the top crazy. IF tends to do that to a woman!



I'm not good with following rules, but here is what I'm supposed to do:

1. You can only use one word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have fun!


1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? Blonde w/ gray I need to "erase"
3. Your mother? self-sacrificing
4. Your father? Dependable
5. Your favorite food? chips
6. Your dream last night? Mary
7. Your favorite drink? water
8. Your dream/goal? children
9. What room are you in? den
10. Your hobby? scrapbooking
11. Your fear? heights
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? family
13. Where were you last night? friends'
14. Something that you aren’t? thin
15. Muffins? banana-nut
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Dallas
18. Last thing you did? read
19. What are you wearing? pajamas
20. Your TV? FOOTBALL!
21. Your pets? four
22. Friends? many
23. Your life? busy
24. Your mood? tired
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? dirty
27. Something you’re not wearing? bra
28. Your favorite store? decor
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When was the last time you laughed? Friday
31. Last time you cried? Thursday
32. Your best friend? gone
33. One place that I go to over and over? school
34. One person who emails me regularly? Vicki
35. Favorite place to eat? out

I'm now regifting this award to a few of my fellow bloggers - the list is at the end of this post.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I also got the Kreativ Blogger Award. Yes, I know that kreativ is actually spelled creative, but please play along. Thanks, S!



What? More rules?
1) Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2) Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3) Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4) Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5) Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6) Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7) Leave a comment on each.

Seven Things that People May Not Know About Me:

1. My second toe is longer than my other toes. I get this from my father. Thanks for the lovely toes, Dad.
2. My eyelashes are transparent. I look as if I have no lashes unless I'm wearing mascara or have them dyed.
3. My parents called me names such as "Cheeri-O head" and "Bedspring Head" when I was little because my hair has always been so curly. Now I'm dying to have a child to whom I can do the same.
4. I never cared much for animals until I met my husband. I had my cat. I liked her. That was it. Now I can't imagine not having our four furbabies.
5. I am very sensitive and cry easily, but people at work & those who don't know me well don't realize that.
6. I have always, always, always envisioned myself as a mother. Since I was very young, I planned to have children and be a mommy. I never envisioned myself as an almost 42 year old childless woman. You probably already figured that one out, huh?
7. I am okay doing absolutely nothing. I can lay around in pajamas and watch TV all day without regretting it. My husband is not the same. Luckily, we accept one another for our differences.

These awards now go to: Bunches of Burches, The Happy Hours, No Swimmers, Tovah Thinks.

I know I'm supposed to pass it on to seven people, but I'm tired today and just feel like breaking the rules. :)

Cease & Desist Order

I am placing a Cease & Desist order with AF. Her teasing and torturing began ELEVEN DAYS ago, and she's still taunting me just a bit. My beta came back negative (as expected), so why have I been spotting and bleeding and spotting and bleeding since freaking September 26th?

Go away, AF. And don't even come back again.

I Know I've Probably Heard It Before

but hearing, "I just hate it that you're having to go through all of this," holds so much more meaning when it comes from your mom. My heart needed that.

Where is My Frequent Flyer Card?

Last night, as I was going to sleep, I had some pretty good cramps. I took some ibuprofen and rested. I felt okay after waking this morning, showering, and heading to school. Before 10:00 I could feel leaking. WTH? I went to the restroom to find that I had bled through a super-plus tampon, pantyliner, underwear and jeans. As any junior high girl would, I spent the rest of the day wearing a jacket tied around my waist.

By noon I had called Dr. T's office. I was still bleeding, leaking, having some cramps, borrowing pads from the nurse's office, and passing small clots here and there. Again, WTH? I was able to get an appointment right after school, so I made yet another 20 mile trek from work to the doctor's office. On Friday. In traffic. Ugh. My appointment was with Dr. R Sr. for the second time in a few weeks. (Note: Nurse Excellent knows I won't see his stoopid son ever again, so I doubt I'll ever mention Young Dr. R again.)

After peeing bleeding peeing into a cup for a sample, I naturally knew what to do - strip from the waist down and use the paper skirt to add to my overall fashion statement. After a swab, a pelvic exam (that hurt like shit), a finger stick (to learn I'm not quite anemic now), being given a crapload of samples of iron pills and orders for more vampiring, I learned this bloodbath I'm experiencing is one of two things: (1) I'm just having a terrible period. And I mean terrible. (2) I'm experiencing "complications from an early pregnancy" aka m/c. The bleeding is not the cysts rupturing. I'm just bleeding to death or something like that.

I told Dr. R that I'm not having any pg symptoms at all. With my history, I know when I'm pregnant. So, bets are that I'm having a really, really bad, nasty, horrible AF. The betas that the vampire drew today will verify that for sure, but those results won't be in until later next week.

So, after being in Dr. T's office for the FIFTH TIME in only 17 days, I asked the ladies at the front desk to punch my frequent flyer card. Everyone in that damn office knows me now, so you'd think they'd at least set up some kind of program just for me. Better yet, they could simply insert a baby in me during one of my many visits. Oh well . . .

I'm finally home, out of my nasty clothes, showered, and resting. Maybe DH will throw me a raw steak later, so I can elevate my iron levels.

The Irony

The irony of IF is placing a used feminine hygiene product in the pregnancy test box already sitting in the trash can.

I'm missing my babies and wanting one I can actually have and hold tonight. :(

Not Even a Little BB?

As I told you, I went in to Dr. T's office ready to ask for the big guns. Well, I get nothing. Not even an itty bitty teensy tiny little BB.

Apparently lefty - my bitchy oh-very ovary - decided to hold on to two cysts after my last cycle. We still have a 19mm and 13mm hanging on for dear life. No Femara this cycle. No IUI this cycle. No nothing.

Dr. T said that I won't get pg this cycle, so go ahead & try to get pg. Isn't that how it works? :) I return to the dildo cam on day 2 or 3 of my next cycle to see if the cysts are still there. They better not be! If everything looks good, we'll do Femara + trigger + IUI + whatever else we can before moving towards not being able to afford IVF.

Until then, we have hair highlighting, sushi, acupuncture, wine, hot dogs, tuna fish, mammogram, caffeine, deli meat, soft cheeses, flu vaccinations, soft serve ice cream, ibuprofen, and running with scissors.

Back to the Drawing Board

Dr. T will be the artist. In fact, he better be the smartest artist because I'm going back to hear more of his craftsmanship tomorrow. Hhhhmmm . . . wonder what we'll do now? I'm thinking we need to bring out the BIG GUNS.

Ya know, them big gunz usually be lotsa monies and all too. Better keep learnin' theees kidz my mad grammar an spellin' skillz. I be tryin' ta make lots moneys to pay fer sum babiez.

It Takes GUTS

Beauty Brands is offering Redken's GUTS for 50% off retail through November 1st. (That's means it's only $7.98!) Best of all: 100% of your purchase goes to local domestic abuse shelters in your area.

I've used the Guts product before, and a very small amount can bring lots of volume to your hair without making it sticky or stiff. Try it out for yourself, or buy one for someone else just so you can help.

Click here for more information on how to help or how to get help. Way to go Beauty Brands for stepping up to help our communities!

[image borrowed from the Beauty Brands website]

Where to go from here?

So now what?

I spent yesterday feeling the worse menstrual cramps I've ever had. They were so bad that they woke me up early yesterday and my pelvis even hurt today. Thankfully, it wasn't like the pain that comes with a natural m/c, but between feeling uncomfortable and upset, I was pretty much a hot mess all day. I took a two hour nap & still went to bed before midnight.

I woke up today and made a decision that I would not be having a pity party. My mom called this afternoon, and we talked for a very long time. Sometimes when I don't feel well, I just need my mom. She offered to come over, but I told her not to worry about it since there's absolutely nothing she can do.

I'm now feeling under the weather and hoping it's not a precursor to the lovely flu that is parading throughout our school. I sprayed the crap out of my classroom on Friday after finding out one of my students has the flu. Hopefully that will help at least a little bit.

I'll call Dr. Terrific, Nurse Excellent, and Nurse Amazing tomorrow and tell them to pull out the next set of big guns. I figure that we'll try the Femara with IUI again, and I am telling them that I want to trigger this time. If that combo doesn't work, I don't know what will happen. Dr. T has already mentioned IVF, but that is not in the budget for our teachers' incomes.

So, after the call to Dr. T tomorrow, I'll set up acupuncture, chiropractic and massage appointments, have some sushi, and try like hell to remain positive. I even doubled the dosage for my happy pills for the next week in hopes that will help a little. I'm so disappointed that my body continues to fail me time & time again. I have done nothing to deserve this heartache. Never have I been perfect, but IF is nothing that I deserve.

I just do NOT feel like I won't ever get pregnant and have a baby. Those thoughts and feelings and dreams really do wane sometimes, but I don't think God wants me to not be a mother. Thinking about DH not being a father kills me just as much. In my entire life, I have never imagined not being a mom or having a home with children. I've always been the babysitter, baby holder, helper, and more. I have witnessed three live births and been in the waiting room for many, many, many others.

Now I want us to be the Mommy and Daddy. I want us to be the ones having the baby while everyone waits in the waiting room for the wonderful news. I want to see the looks on our parents faces when they see their grandchildren for the first time. I want our pets to be the pets that love on, play with, and protect our babies. I want our home to be taken over by baby paraphernalia and toys. I simply CAN NOT give up on that. Probably because I can't imagine the alternative, but I just can't give up. I can't imagine not being pregnant, not having a baby, not being a mommy, not being a family. I just can't.

I really appreciate all the sweet comments, emails, and other contact you've all shared with me. Knowing you all are on our side makes it a little easier to live through the disappointment again & again.

Life After Infertility

I saw this article on another person's blog (don't remember whose), and honestly, I haven't read it yet. After a quick scan, I did want to pass it along in case it can help anyone else.

May Go Private

I'm very seriously considering taking this blog into the land of private blogs. This has absolutely nothing to do with my crappy day today.

In case you care, I HATE blogs that are private because they don't work in my Google Reader. I honestly don't read them very often because they aren't in my GR. However, there are a few people in the far-reaches of my world (more like people of my past worlds) that I do NOT want having access to anything about my IF journey.

If you're reading this, you aren't one of those people. Whether you know me or not, whether you've ever commented or not, I still want you to have access to my ramblings - and I still need your support.

Please leave me a comment or shoot me an email that contains your email.

Betrayal

My body betrays me yet again. AF reared her ugly red-headed slut self with a vengeance this morning. She showed up three days early just to rub it in. Fuck my body.

Patience is a Virtue

I do not have. BFN this morning. It's only 9dpiui but it was still as stark white as my ass . . . without the dimples. I'll try again maybe Sunday or Monday.

I've Been Given Permission

to "pee on things." When I told DH that I'm not feeling so great (explained the watermelon/rubber band ute and heavy boobs), he told me to not "get excited and cross your fingers." Damn naysayer.

I asked DH when he thought I should test. After I explained when I could/should test - because he has no clue and hasn't asked a damn thing about anything - he said I could start peeing on things. I asked him what things. His reply, "Whatever you want. It obviously doesn't matter to Mackey (our dog). He pees on everything & I can just yell 'Who peed on THIS?'"

On a totally different note: I love my dog. Stevie makes me smile, cry with joy, and warms my heart on a constant basis. If I feel jsut some of this with a baby I will be more than blessed, more than fulfilled, and absolutely insane with love.

I know I'm talking/rambling/blogging a lot today. I'm nervous and excited and hopeful and prepared for complete disappointment.

You Know You're in the Throes of Infertility When

You talk about sperm.




With your Dad.

Phantom Symptom Update

Today I'm 8dpiui and thinking *maybe* there are some more phantom symptoms.

* My boobs are aching just a tad.

* My uterus feels like it's filled with a huge watermelon & hanging by rubber bands inside my lower abdomen.

* Today I was a cranky bitch. And I mean cranky. (If my lil' banana bread, singer friend in Nashville is reading this, ask your mom. She'll confirm. Oh, and I miss you!) Somebody at school spoke to me cross and I wasn't in the mood.

* Some smells are a bit stronger to me, but not like pregnant bloodhound nose smells yet.

* I'm craving Sprite. Had it twice in the past 3 days & it sounds good again. I'm a DP drinker when I do enjoy my one per day.

* There might be some additional saliva in my mouth, but I've been craving Sprite and just ate some candy. ;)

* Very light, dull headache - but that's not uncommon.

* Tired - but not pg like beatdown dead tired.

* I'd also like to claim pg brain, but I think I just need some sleep. That and I'm an idiot sometimes.

There ya have it. The next big decision is when to test. If the evil, red-headed slut is coming, AF will be here on Tuesday. However, I have some drinking plans tonight, tomorrow & maybe Saturday. Yeah, I'm a loser. Really though . . . I just don't want to see any more sticks that are as stark white as my nekkid ass.

Other than a BFP (and a heartbeat, etc.), what do I want next? THIS:

Yep, morning sickness. Didn't have much with my three pregnancies, so I'm ready to hurl like a champion.

Oh, and since I tend to ramble, I'm getting sick & tired of people saying, "What if this doesn't work? What's next?" I want to respond, "Why don't you just STFU?" Thinking about it now makes me wanna go get cranky again.

Before I Go to Sleep

I must update you all. I mean, God forbid I get sleep without updating you all with my phantom symptoms.

Today's P.S.:
- uterus feels so heavy (like a weight is in it)
- thirsty
- boobs feel different, kinda sore but not really sore
- can't stand the smell of onions or Pippin's breath
- tired
- some light bloating
- can't stand having anything against my waist
- weird feelings of pressure, stretching & other stuff in the uterine area
- strangeness in my throat, not nausea or vomiting, but icky

Going to bed. I'd hate to add really cranky to this list.

New Blog for Kelsey

Please check out Patti's new blog for Kelsey and their family. The UP Family

Kelsey had a tough day today, so go by when you can and share some love with them. Your continued prayers are appreciated.

Please Pray for Kelsey

I am enclosing an email and photo I received from my friend & neighbor. Patty & Andy’s daughter, Kelsey was taken by emergency c-section at only 31.5 weeks because doctors felt something was “wrong” and she would be safer outside the womb. Kelsey was born premature with her family to later learn that she has Down’s Syndrome, heart issues, and a myriad of other health problems that come with being a preemie. She is now facing open heart surgery with complications.

Please keep our friends in your prayers. They have experienced the heartbreaking journey of IF, and finally have their two babies. Unfortunately, the past seven weeks have been extremely rough for Kelsey, her parents, and her big brother (Keeton, age 2½ ). The road ahead is difficult and dangerous. Patti is also dealing with some health issues that concern her as well.

When I asked Patti if it was okay for me to pass on her requests, she was thankful that I would ask others to join us in prayer. Feel free to pass this on to your prayer groups, church groups and friends. If you'd like to use the above photo as a button for your blog, please feel free to do so. I’ll keep you updated as I can.

Until then, thank you.
__________________________________________

Kelsey's not getting better, Wednesday and Thursday she started getting worse and Friday was very scary for us. We met the with the NICU team of nurses and doctors to discuss our options and at first, they wanted her to have open heart surgery ASAP. But the pediatric cardiologist thought she was too little and it would be too dangerous (meaning she wouldn't make it out of surgery). She spent the whole morning talking to us, the heart surgeons, and the NICU doctors trying to figure out what would be the best for Kelsey. The three problems with her heart I mentioned in the last email (PDA, VSD and ASD) were getting to be too much for her little body to handle. Her lungs and body were filling up with fluid and she was having a hard time breathing. On top of that her platelets were continuing to drop and she had to get platelets twice, once on Tuesday and then again on Friday. Friday they put her back in her incubator and back on IV fluids only and thought it best not to hold her. Then told us we needed to decide if we wanted to move her to "Hospital C" or "Hospital M" (changed for privacy reasons - there are two major pediatric hospitals in the area) and if we wanted to do surgery to only fix the PDA (it's on the outside of the heart) now and hope she improves so we can do open heart surgery when she bigger (at least 8 lbs) or do we want to risk doing open heart surgery now and fix them all (VSD and ASD are the holes in the heart). Another risk for the open heart is that putting you on the heart and lung pump burns platelets and she has a problem with making platelets. Needless to say, Friday and Saturday was a tough time for us trying to get all the info we need to make this decision. We did a lot of praying and talking to doctors and anyone else that could help us.

So, Saturday afternoon we decide to go with "Hospital M" (one of the hospitals which is closer to home) and plan on doing just the PDA surgery first, sometime this week. We've prayed about this decision and asked God to give us the wisdom to make the right decision and now we have to trust in Him to give us a peace about it. This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We don't know how this week will unfold but have to trust it's in God's hands. Kelsey will probably be moved to Hospital M (the new hospital) tomorrow (Monday morning). Then the heart surgeon and cardiologist will have to decide when her surgery will be for the PDA. Also, Hospital M has a pediatric hematologist that will also look at her and try to figure out what's going on with her blood ("Hospital P" where she's been didn't have ped. hematologist). We're also going to have a ped. liver doctor look at her because her liver is still too large and we have never gotten a good answer as to why. She will probably still be in the incubator and on IV fluids until they can get all this done.

Tuesday will be 7 weeks since she was born and we aren't much closer to getting her home. That's very discouraging to us but at the same time we are hopeful the change in hospitals, a new set of doctors looking at her and the surgery to close the PDA will make a BIG difference. We definitely need your prayers for Kelsey, both of us and big brother Keeton. It's been a long 7 weeks and we still have a long way to go.

Also, tomorrow I have my gallbladder function test at 11:30am. Pray we find the answers we need for me. Not the best timing for this gallbladder but God know how much we can handle and we are depending on Him more than ever for His strength, His peace and His hope to help us through all of this.

Thanks for your continued prayers and support!!!

Love,

Patti and Andy

Back by Popular Demand

Or should I say "Back Because Some of You People are Nosy?" or "Back Because I Have No Humility & Share It All?" :)

Today's phantom symptoms listed with possible causes:

Symptom.....................................................Possible Cause(s)

1. Woke up STARVING.............................didn't eat dinner last night, being a fat cow, pregnancy

2. Peed several times today......................drank plenty of water, old age, loss of bladder control, pregnancy

3. Irritable...............................................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, tired & hungry, probably peed on myself, Femara s/e, pregnancy

4. Awful afternoon headache....................being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, Femara s/e, cold front coming in, just being a bitch in general, stress, need for chocolate, pregnancy

5. Skin breaking out...................................stress, hormones, wanting to be a teenager, pregnancy

6. Tired........................................................lack of sleep, being in a small room with over 70 children and several adults, pregnancy

ETA: 7. Threw up in the back of my throat again............could be school cafeteria cheese nachos for lunch, pregnancy GROSS

Phantom Symptom Watch

I'm a whole 4dpiui (that's 4 days past IUI for those who don't want to search for the meaning). It's time for the monthly Phantom Symptom Watch! I've already googled 4dpiui + symptoms and 5dpiui + symptoms, but that doesn't help much.

Here's what I got for ya so far:

• I go from cold to sweating my ass off in a heartbeat. Probably the lingering effects of Femara.
• I kinda threw up in my mouth the other day.
• I'm farting like a champion.
• I have had major pangs of starvation (not hunger) out of the blue. I'm a fat girl. My stomach doesn't growl. :)
• Within an hour of eating, it feels like someone punched me in the diaphram (high up in the stomach).
• Some cramping and some tug-of-war feelings in female reproductive area.
• My nipples are a little tender and sensitive.
• Moodiness - but that's just me.

P4 check on Tuesday (day 21), but that's not going to tell me anything. I'm sure by next weekend I'll be searching for sticks in the backyard and peeing on other things around theh ouse. Now that I have officially proven yet again that I'm insane, I hope that Newtlet & Maria are happy now. (And note, V, that I'm still sleeping with the freaking mermaid.)

Anyone else want to share what other 5+dpiui symptoms you've had or that I can/should have?

Here we go . . .

2dpiui and I'm already fabricating symptoms. Yes, two whole days. P4 check next week, so that'll give me something to (kind of) focus on for a few days. Maybe.

This is going to be a LONG 2ww!

No Pep Rally Here

After dropping off my ring & learning that I need a new iPod, I headed back to the ARTS Center to pick up DH's masterpiece. All washed and clean, I carried the styrofoam cup protecting the test-tube with pride. Goodness knows there wasn't anywhere in my purse to put it, and I sure as hell wasn't going to cruise around a huge hospital and parking lot with a big, white cup in between my tits.

I stood in line for the first time ever at Dr. T's office. With cup in hand. How sexy was I? Hhhmmm . . . wonder why I was there? :) When I asked the receptionist if she needed to send it back while I waited, you'd thought I'd offer her a sip of arsenic-laced tea. We both laughed. Kinda. I reviewed the lab report, trying to decipher it. All I noticed was low volume and low morphology due to lack of abstinence. Of course, I get concerned. While I'm waiting, I'm texting back & forth with my friend Sarah, who is my own doc on the side. (Well, she's not a doctor but she plays one in my IF life.) She seems less concerned than I am about numbers.

Nurse Amazing, who works for Dr. Terrific and with Nurse Excellent, escorts me back to take my blood pressure. Being that it was extremely high yesterday, she's telling me to relax and think good thoughts. She then begins taking deep breaths and says, "Think babies." I think BABY (singular!) but my bp is still high. That's what anxiety will do to you.

I am taken to an exam room - the same room where we saw our first and only fetal heartbeat so many months ago. I change into my pretty paper skirt and hop up on the table. Nurse A comes back in and asks how many IUIs we've had. I tell her that I've so many parties down there that I'm surprised I know the answer is zero. She laughs. Humor deflects nervousness for me, I suppose.

Dr. T comes in and tells me to assume the position. I don't even stare at the sign above me like I used to do. (I took the pic at the top of this post so you could experience my view.) Funny Dr. T has it hanging on the ceiling above all his exam tables. :) He looks at the numbers from the lab & says they look "GREAT!" The goal is to have 16 million motile sperm post-wash, and DH's proud soldiers numbered 38.9 mighty million! I was so proud of my husband and his workers.

As he preps the catheter, I ask Dr. T if he has any pep rally music or if Nurse Excellent could come in and do a cheer. (See again the above-mentioned humor deflecting nervousness.) We both thought I was funny, and Dr. T said that was a good idea. I then elevated my hips for about 15ish minutes, and he came in and said goodbye.

Feeling a little bit of disappointment for the lack of pomp & circumstance, I asked Dr. T where to go from here. I suppose he was a blond before he began to turn gray, my wonderful inseminator told me how to get to the exit of the office. Poor guy. Once I told him that I knew my way around his office fairly well, I was told to wait for a couple of weeks to see if AF shows. Yep, it was all that uneventful. However, as I was walking out, Dr. T said, "You know, you kind of have a glow to you." Nurse A agreed. "Maybe you're already pregnant!" he called out. I smiled and hoped that he was right.

DH called as I was leaving the parking lot, and I told him how wonderful he and his boys were today. I went and had some air added to my tires, got lunch, went home & ate. The cramping started soon after, so I had a nap. Now I'm just sitting on my ass with some cramping while wondering how I'm going to entertain myself over the 2ww.

Is This a Test?

After dropping off DH's mighty soldiers to the ARTS lab this morning, I headed to Panera for some breakfast, hot tea, and 1 on 1 laptop time. I carefully prepared my Earl Grey like I want it, and headed to my table.

That's when I saw it. A beautiful, silver, FAT money clip on the ground. I looked around to see mainly women in the cafe. I slowly picked up the clip . . .

. . . and headed to the counter and turned it in. Darnit. I'm hoping this was a test by God to make sure I'm a good person. :) Maybe it's because I feel asleep praying last night. haha

Slept okay last night - at least a few hours - and I've enjoyed traffic, carrying around a cup between my breasts, breakfast, and now some hot tea. When the mall opens at 10, I will visit Tiffany & Co. to see if my ring can be repaired. I will then visit the Apple store to see if my iPod can be repaired.

After dropping off a $170 cup of sperms, heading to two fairly expensive (and dangerous) stores, and paying for the IUI, this could be an expensive day. And it's not even 10am.

*** One other important thing: I know many strangers, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and family (well, sisters & cousins) read our blog. If you know me personally, I would appreciate you keeping your discussion of this blog and our IF journey between you and me and the blog. I haven't had any issues regarding this matter, but I am surprisingly a somewhat private person about certain things - the details of our infertility being one of them. (Guess DH has rubbed off on me some!) I'd be more than happy to talk with you about it all and answer any questions you may have, but I'd prefer that not everyone at work, home, friends, acquaintances, etc. know exactly what's going on in my personal life and discuss it outside of my presence. Thanks for your respect and consideration. I appreciate all of the prayers and love and reaching out from everyone. Please keep it up!

I'm off to make another cup of tea and head to the mall. More updates later. Love all of you!

NEXT BIG THING

After another OPK-challenging cycle, I called Nurse Excellent today. I left her a rambling voice mail which basically said, "I'm an idiot . . . can't read an OPK . . . got new ones that aren't digital . . . had O symptoms . . . what to do . . . can I come in . . . I'm at work . . . should I come in . . . have the school secretary push your call to me . . . I'm sorry . . . I'll have kids in my room, so I might speak in code . . . I know I'm a pain . . . thank you so much . . . and so on.

Nurse E and I talked a few times today. I'm so desperate that I actually say the words "egg white cervical mucus" while on the phone. Out loud. In front of my fourth graders. Dear mercy, I hope they thought I was ordering breakfast.

In talking with Nurse E I learn that, of course, Dr. Terrific was gone for the afternoon. I told Nurse E that I refused to let Young Dr. R near my hooha again, for fear that he might repeatedly mistake a large artery for an ovary. Dumbass. But I digress . . . My two options - meet with Old Dr. R (stupid Young Dr. R's awesomely smart dad) and take an impromptu half day off to do it (teachers know how freaking difficult this is) OR let Nurse E and I did our own little sonogram. Guess what we did? :)

I teach about twenty miles from the doctor's office, but thanks to the traffic gods I made it there in, let's say, ummmmmm 20ish minutes. Thanks to an awesome colleague/friend, I left as my kids actually left the front door. I got there and, walking half-nekkid around the exam room, we girls got down to bidness. Before jumping on the fancy bed with lovely crocheted stirrups, I dropped four or five used OPKs on the counter and said, "This is why I'm losing my mind." Of course, they all had CD #s and times written on them with varying degrees of darkness of pink lines here & there. Nurse E MUST think I'm losing it, and I just proved it to her. So, standing there still half-nekkid in front of Nurse E and my crappy sticks, we determined that I might have surged yesterday. Maybe.

I hopped up on the fancy table while Nurse E fired up the dildo cam. She took some measurements and was awesomely good with it all, showing me stuff along the way. Just to confirm everything, "Old Dr. R" (Young Dr. R's dad) did a backup u/s. He saw the line of pink sticks and probably thought I'd lost my mind and agreed that I probably durged yesterday (CD13 - early for me) and declared that I should O in the next 12 or so hours. Looked like a delightful trilaminar, 13mm lining with a possiblity of 4 little follies ready to get to work. I'm honestly not sure if I've Od or not, but I think I might have.

My instructions? Go home, have sex tonight, come back tomorrow for insemintation.

That's right. You heard it. IUI tomorrow!


Yep, I was just seeing if you were actually reading this blog. :)


I then drove another 20 miles back to school to write plans & get my shit together prepare everything for my sub.

On the way there, I flitted through 5:00 traffic and listened to some Christian music which always calms and focuses me. The words that I heard soared through my heart. I went from freaking out to calm to crying to praying to hoping again. Yes, I said hoping.

For hope to stand, one must have faith. I have faith and now I'm holding on to hope. I know with hope there is also fear and disappointment, but I must focus on the hope and cling to my faith. When the fear overcomes me, I will pray. And I will pray the prayer I say every day, "Lord, bless us with a child that we can carry to term and deliver as a healthy angel of yours for us to raise on Earth for you." All of the prayers, good thoughts, love, and good vibes you can muster are requested and appreciated.

Lord, hear our prayers.

I will update you tomorrow as I can. I'm sure there will be much prayer with much comedy along the way. Thanks . . . . . . .

BIG TONIGHT & BIG TOMORROW

Big stuff going on here people . . . BIG!

First BIG thing first: My friend Jenn is in Labor & Delivery right now! Please send your love and prayers her way. Jenn's water broke earlier (I got the call close to 5pm CDT) and her DH, Hal, took her to the hospital. Since Halle is a bit stubborn - like her mom, maybe? - she is breech and will be delivered via c-section at 9pm CDT. C'mon baby Halle! We can't wait to meet you! Love you Jenn!

Next BIG thing: Ohmygoodnessgracious! Big Brother's season finale is tonight!!! It's DVRing right now, so I don't have to waste any time with stupid commercials. I've watched every season of this wonderfully ridiculous show, and I'm excited about the finale! GO JORDAN! (or Kevin if not Jordan, but definitely not Natalie)

Another BIG thing tonight: Biggest Loser's season premiere! A local favorite is Abby Riker. Her story is heartbreaking. Her husband went to the same high school as I did, but he was (of course) much younger. I LOVE this show, and I'm rooting for the home girl! You can do it, Abby!

Oh, and another big thing: is coming tomorrow! You better stay tuned. I'm serious. You might like it and not want to miss out! In fact, if you check back soon, it might be tomorrow. This is cool enough to earn its own post.

Let the Peeing Begin!

CD12. I'm feeling like crap today, but I got my butt out of bed and ran to CVS for some drugs and new OPKs. Since Dr. Terrific said he wasn't really hip on the digitals, I got some of the old timey kind. DH got a lesson on "what I'm doing" right now, but before I started to speak he asked if I seriously wanted him to poas. No, dear. Just hold your pee and listen. Other than DH actually getting to poas, my little lesson on opk lines is about as involved as he can be for now. Yes, for now.

I shall spend the next few days peeing and staring at lines and hoping and praying and repeating it.

Whatever. I'm still here.

I'm CD11 and I guess I'll start pOPKs now. I'm not really "in" to this cycle. It's probably a mixture of things - stress from work, exhaustion, sinus infection/cold thing, headaches, and fear of failure again. My symptoms aren't really there - just headaches (also from sinuses) and weird, itchy feelings around the scars from my lap surgery. Hmph. Hurry up and wait. Maybe I subconsciously don't want to imagine it happen for fear that I'll actually have hope.

Getting pg this cycle would be awesome for many reasons. The first, ultimately, is having a baby! This would be great timing since we'd have an early June due date. That would give us the summer vacation to have our baby and get used to being parents for a while without the stress of work. (I won't start worrying about child care quite yet.) There's of course the age thing. I am getting older, and 42 will come in March.

I do worry that if my body doesn't respond to Femara this round that it won't respond at all. Then what? IVF? Can't afford that. Ugh . . . no need to worry at this minute. Maybe in an hour. Think I'll eat a sandwich and take a nap instead.

Well . . .

. . . I don't really have much to share right now. Surprising, I know.

Finished my 5th day of Femara today. Very few s/e other than a couple of days of headaches and being hot. Not hot flashes, but so hot that I have a hard time cooling off, sweat, and anything against my face (like a pillow) feels hot.

Tired from school, think I might be getting sick w/ sinus or cold stuff.

Other than that . . . meh.

A Love Letter

Dear Follies,

Today is CD1, so you know what that means. Game on. I expect you to grow this month. The Femara you got last month is being doubled, so prepare yourselves - ALL of you. You WILL grow, you WILL mature, you WILL not run from the IUI catheter, you WILL fall in love with DH's sperm, and you WILL be fertilized. You WILL then become the baby we've been praying for the past few years, and the baby you become WILL stay put until next June.

Don't let me down this time, my follies. I am back in teacher mode, so I'm not kidding. Lack of growth, maturity, and seriousness will NOT be tolerated this month. Get it together - and now. Seriously.

Love,
The owner of the ovaries that will be hosting you.

PM to Kristi -- Sounds exciting and scary all at once. You can email me at kekis26 at gmail dot com if you like. :)

Another Amazing Story

A couple that lives in my area was open and kind enough to share their story of love and loss. Their son, Thomas, was born was Trisomy 13. Upon learning of Thomas' medical issues during a 20-week ultrasound, they chose to continue the pregnancy and bring their precious son into the world.

Some may find the video linked here difficult to watch for many reasons, but I think you'll find that Thomas is as precious of a baby as you can find. You can also read their first part of their story linked in the video window. The second part will be in next week's Dallas Morning News.

Just when we think our troubles are too much to bear, we find another person with more to bear than ourselves.

You Know You're Battling Infertility If . . .

. . . you go on a date with your DH at a nice restaurant and accidentally pull a pee stick out of your purse at the dining table.

And he asks you to show it to him.

And you do.

Remember Me?

I've been so swamped with the beginning of school, meeting new students, paperwork, and trying to sleep in between!

I went yesterday to get vampired. My favorite vampire man was there. It was like coming home since I hadn't seen him in over a year. Sad that you and your vampire are excited to see each other because you became so close in the past! :)

My P4 levels came back normal which (apparently) means I am ovulatory. That's nice. Now where's my baby?

Assume the Position

"Slide on down and assume the position," Dr. T told me this morning. So much for formalities.

I immediately asked Dr. T if he knew that he was grounded. "You do know you're on restriction, right? Did Nurse Excellent tell you? There will be no vacations or days off until I get pregnant, keep the baby, and you deliver it healthy at term." He quickly shot back that his vacation was hot, without a/c, and wasn't that great. When I replied "Ha! Good," he came back with, "You realize I have this in my hand, right?" Note to self: Don't upset the one in possession of large, scary dildo cam.

I learned that Young Dr. R is definitely not my friend. The right follie we saw that measured almost 16 wasn't even a damn follicle. It was the end of some major artery near the ovaries, but braniac idiot young man obviously thought differently. While a layperson (say, ME when I saw it) might have some difficult distinguishing between a follicle and gray area, I guess some people (ahem, certain doctors) might mistake the semi-dark, round, static-filled area as a follie on a sonogram. So . . . no follie at all on the right. Lefty had two follicles. One was a whopping 11 and the other even smaller.

And that's all.

There are three possibilities as of today. One, I had an annovulatory cycle. Two, the Femara didn't work. Three, I ovulated yesterday. We're doubtful on the latter because, had I already Od, there would be some fluid in my (yet again, lovely trilaminar thankyouverymuch) uterine cavity and there is not. So we shall try TI and see if that ever-elusive bfp happens (which I HIGHLY doubt it will), or increase the Femara to double what I took this cycle and try again. I'll have CD21ish labs drawn for P4, but Dr. T expects negative numbers as do I.

I'm surprisingly not disappointed or sad or crying or upset or whatever. I mean, I can't say that I'm happy and thrilled, but I'm not tragically sad. Maybe because I'm just so busy with the beginning of school and highly stressed (we won't talk about today's bp reading). Hearing the news from Dr. T was much more confirming and sensible to me. He didn't seem overly concerned but more matter-of-fact and try, try again. After all, Dr. T's the one who has told me that my body killed my 2nd baby, called with dropping betas, turned me into a silver-legged robot, took multiple party pics, hosted more than enough hoo ha parties, etc. As Rain Man would say, "Yeah. Dr. T is my main man. Yeah. K-Mart sucks and so does IF."

No more news than that. We'll see what next month holds!

Do you see what I see?

I'm not crazy.

Two OPKs, both with lines, even DH saw the lines. I am not insane. See?

And Then Came Nurse Excellent

The next best thing to Dr. Terrific is Nurse Excellent! You know how I've said more than once (or a thousand times) that I have to listen to my gut instinct because it never steers me wrong? Well, I'm doing that.

I called Nurse E and left her a voice mail to call me. She's so excellent that she called me back after reviewing my chart from three hours ago and before leaving the office today. I told her my dilemma. Did I even share it with all of you? Okay . . .

I've been using the CBE Digitial OPKs. You know, the "OPKing for Dummies" ones with smiley faces so I don't have to question the lines. Well, I poas this morning and did not get a smiley face. When I pulled out the stick, there was a second line. (Insert my irrational, crazy thoughts that I could be pg here. Gawd, I'm insane.)

The short story (after giving poor Nurse E who I even called yesterday - the long story) is that since I haven't really gotten a + OPK and I should keep peeing until I do. Nurse E said that follies can grow about 2mm per day, which would put my presently crappy follies at maturity by Wednesday or Thursday. (ETA: I'm not sure of the three measurements I got, but I know one is 15.9. Nurse is calling that "16" for all intents & purposes. We are hoping it grows up to be a 20 in the next couple of days.) Once I get the smiley face positive, call the office, have Dr. T do another FMS (follice maturation scan), then IUI if they look good. Nurse Excellent agrees that we need to be aggressive here in this TTC thing. If not this cycle, then we up the meds (crap) next cycle and try again.

So . . . not all hope is lost . . . at least not yet. I still think I'm a freaking nutcase for even having hope in the first place. Nurse E and I came to conensus that Dr. T shall not take vacation from here on out until I am pg, throughout my (hopefully continual) pg, and until he delivers my baby. So there. Both Young Dr. R, Nurse E, and my IF pseudo doc Mrs. B told me to have wine tonight.

And that I shall do.

Learning to Live with Disappointment

No IUI. You'd think I'd have figured out by now that hope is just for people that live in fairy tales.

I had three good follicles between both ovaries, but they didn't measure up. Slackers. My lining was trilaminar (3-layered, looked great) but what the hell does that matter? Oooo, Mrs. Rambler . . . what lovely lining you have! Too bad your follies are a bunch of crap.

Dr. T was out today, so I got Young Dr. R. He was nice & all, but nobody compares to Dr. T. Plus the term "young" is relative. He's probably my age, maybe a few years older, but younger than the average experienced doc. Young Dr. R recommended TI and then up the Femara for next cycle and do IUI. Whatever.

I'm disappointed. Please don't tell me there is always next month or try to blow sunshine up my ass. I wanted THIS month because I know my fertility (or lack thereof) doesn't have many months left.

Follie Scan Tomorrow

Time to break out the dildo cam . . . it's another hooha party! I tried to sneak in get in today, but Dr. T is out of town. :/ This is where the challenging part comes in since I start back to school tomorrow morning at 8am. Guess all I have to do is start to tell my principal details to get away quickly!

I am VERY bloated, crampy, nauseous, and still have the stabbing sensations on my bowling ball ovaries - mainly that bratty left one. Send your bigass follicle dust this way please! I hope the B.I. (big insemination!) is almost here.

Also, my Stevie-dog made it to Round 3 of the Cutest Dog Competition! He'd appreciate your vote by clicking on his cute face in the sidebar or clicking here. Don't forget that you can vote every day!!

Ovulation Caught on Camera

Have you seen this article? It was published by the BBC last summer, and it's absolutely fascinating! You'll also see four photos that show ovulation taking place.

I'm imagining my ovaries having tons of follicles producing thousands of eggs. Only that could explain the stabbing sensations my ovaries are giving me right now. Still no :) on the OPK, but my dream last night said I'm ready AND I'm winning a car!

A WEEK OF FIRSTS

This is going to be a long one, but it will be worth it. Seriously . . . keep reading. You'll be so jealous!

A FIRST: I assume these exploding bowling balls in my very lowest abdomen are my oh very, "oh varies." Geez, Louise! If said bowling balls aren't exploding, they are being thrown around, polished, jackhammered, and before being detonated. The crampiness has me running to the bathroom a lot thinking I need to go, and I don't. Craziness.

A FIRST: My cousin & friend, Laurie, who runs the Frat House has a simple request for me and Dr. T. She wants party pics from my follie scan. Her nightly dreams of my my little bigass follies being explored by the famous dildo cam almost makes me wonder if she's wanting to be a part of my next hooha party. hahaha! I'll see what I can do about pics, Laurie. I promise.

A FIRST: I've been poas or piac for OPKs. Been out of bed at 7am three days in a row (and I'm TIRED!). My VERY first OPK experience was interesting. I pulled it out of the box thinking it was just like poas - hpt, and I desperately held that FMU without bursting. That's when I figured it out this would be a bit complicated. My potty dance ensued. Then I dropped the OPK thingy and it broke apart on the floor. Trying not to drown the bathroom floor and cry in grief, I picked it up and popped it back together. WHEW! I couldn't get too happy because I.really.needed.to.pee. I figured it all out pretty quickly, piac, put in the opk stick, and got a blank circle. Well, at least I rehearsed for next time.

Now, prepare to meet your green-eyed jealousy monster:

A FIRST: Best of all . . . Katie & Maria are here! Be jealous - go ahead!!! They aren't staying at my house (probably because the thought of my constant rambling scares them), but I finally met them IN PERSON yesterday. We met at the Dallas World Aquarium and had such a great time. Luckily, I had my niece (Aeva, 6) and nephew (Will, 2) with me (having both of them was A FIRST). The kids provided a nice distraction so I didn't break down crying when I met and hugged my friends for the very first time. I also finally got to meet Patty, (Katie's mom), EJ (Maria's cutiepie that I'm going to babynap), and Linda (Maria's mom). Love every single one of them.

It was such a cool moment when I actually looked the eyes of Katie and Maria for the first time. It wasn't that I was meeting strangers. It was seeing old friends again. I obviously can't explain it very well. I did, however, tell Katie last night how I hoped that I didn't come across as off-standish. I really felt like I was hanging out with old friends, and I was so comfortable with them. Good thing since I was sweating like a whore in church walking through the aquarium's rainforest! Our time together didn't include a lot of conversation since I was chasing Aeva & Will and they were also busy helping me wrangle them. It was wonderful, nonetheless. Wish I could put it into words better than this. A FIRST: the Rambler not coming up with words!

Here are a few photos that I took on my crappy, white-trash, rubber-banded, crappy, half-broken, point & shoot camera. (Can you tell I want a digital SLR?!) I'll share good pics Katie took with her fancy-schmancy camera later.




Tomorrow, the whole gang is coming by to pick me up for our day of fun. Mindy, Mackey, Pippin & Steve are looking forward to meeting Harley & Jersey's mom and Jimmy's mom (A FIRST). We're going all touristy and going to Southfork Ranch (A FIRST) and a Texas-style lunch at Love & War in Texas before Mr. Rambler and I head to Patty's for a pool party tomorrow night. Katie's making her famous cupcakes and I can't wait to finally try ten one of her cupcakes (A FIRST). Although I haven't had a drop of alcohol since CD1, I might have to partake just a tad tomorrow to celebrate. What can I say? I'm always up for the party. :) It will be another awesome day!

So . . . between my oh very bowling ball oh-varies, needing follie party pics for Laurie, doing the OPKs, finally meeting Katie & Maria (love love love), having Aeva & Will for the first time ever, and not having much sleep lately . . . it's been an wonderful and interesting week of FIRSTS!

I'll keep you posted for that glorious day that I see the :) on my opk & go for the follie scan. Breathe. Breathe again. Don't forget to breathe.