THE SHACK

I just finished reading The Shack and recommend it to EVERYONE. What an AMAZING book full of hope and working through the challenges that life and grief bring. I'm not an avid reader at all, but it is a goal of mine. However, when I find a book that I like, I will read it cover to cover as quickly as I can, as I did this book.

This book is not written for Christians. It is written for everyone no matter of their religious preference or level of faith they do or do not have. Please give yourself an amazing gift in 2009 and read this book! I would lend you my copy, but I am not letting it go. When you read it - which is very soon I hope - be sure to read the foreword. It will make the book fit together like the beautiful puzzle that it is.

The past two nights of reading "The Shack" have reformed my mind, my relationships, and my outlook on life. I feel a sense of purpose, comfort, purpose, and (*gulp* dare I say it?) . . . hope . . . that I haven't felt in a long time.

Because I'm lazy, too.

I borrowed this from Monica because I'm down in the dumps, need to write something, but I don't want to get into it all right now and start whining, bitching, moaning, complaining, crying, pouting, or all of those.

50 Things You Possibly Didn't Know About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now? 3 of my coats, 1 of DH's coats, plus a curtain rod and hanger holder thing I need to return to BB&B

2. What's your favorite curse word? Probably whichever one fits whatever moment I need it.

3. Name 3 people who made you smile today? I have not seen any humans today. However, I did smile when DH called me earlier. That's probably it for today.

4. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Sleeping - my schedule is so out of whack right now.

5. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? catching up on my blog reading

6. What will you be doing 3 hours from now? hopefully getting ready to sleep

7. Have you ever been to a strip club? yes - the nekkid boy kind and nekkid girl kind

8. What is the last thing you said aloud? "Good boy, Mack!"

9. What is the best ice cream flavor? Blue Bell Strawberry

10. What was the last thing you had to drink? water

11. What are you wearing right now? school tshirt, blue pajama bottoms & pink slippers - hawt!

12. What was the last thing you ate? gummy bears

13. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? no

14. When was the last time you ran? Probably the last time someone was chasing me.

15. What's the last sporting event you watched? Yesterday's slaughter of the stupid, dumbhead Cowboys.

16. Who is the last person you emailed? Carla with "The Dailies"

17. Ever go camping? Yes, but I'm not very good at it now that I'm older and prefer the comforts of home.

18. Do you have a tan? A tan? Me? HA! I've been tan twice in my life, but I had to endure a couple of bad sunburns to get that way.

19. Do you drink your soda from a straw? Only fountain drinks.

20 What did your last IM say? It was a Facebook IM, but I don't remember it.

21. Are you someone's best friend? I hope I still am.

22. Monica wrote on hers: "Flying to Florida with Seth. Lord, help me!" but she didn't include a question. I could make up a question to go with that answer. :)

23. Where is your mom right now? Probably at work still.

24. Look to your left, what do you see? Steve sleeping

25. What color is your watch? Sterling sliver

26. What do you think of when you think of Australia? koalas, how it looks on a map

27. Would you consider plastic surgery? Yes

28. What is your birthstone? aquamarine

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? usually in

30. How many kids do you want? Ideally? 2-3

31. Do you have a dog? Oh yes - 3 of 'em (plus a cat!)

32. Last person you talked to on the phone? DH

33. Have you met anyone famous? Depends on what one considers famous. I've met a couple of big country music stars, but most are local celebrities.

34. Any plans today? Absolutely none & I fulfilled every none of them!

35. How many states have you lived in? 1 - just Texas. Where else would I live?!

36. Ever go to college? Yes

37. Where are you right now? on the couch in the den

38. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? infertility, MIL

39. Last song listened to? quick snippets of Christian songs that I was naming on my iTunes

40. Are you allergic to anything? anything plant that grows, anything with fur, and bananas - However I still go outside, have pets, and eat bananas.

41. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? slippers

42. Are you jealous of anyone? Not anyone specific right now, but I am jealous of certain groups of people. I consider it envious.

43. Is anyone jealous of you? That's funny. I doubt it!

44. What time is it? 8:18pm

45. Do any of your friends have children? Which friends DON'T have kids? Very few do not.

46. Do you eat healthy? No. I won't even lie and pretend that I do.

47. What do you usually do during the day? Teach 9 and 10 year olds while trying not to lose my mind!

48. Do you use the word 'hello' daily? Hello or hi.

49. How did you get your scars? Head & knee - car accident at age 17, forehead - running into a doorknob at age 2 (I've always had skill), all over - chickenpox scars from popping the blisters because I got a bad sunburn before the chickens bit me, left breast - lipoma removed in 1999, lower abdomen & belly button - laparoscopic surgery in April, and probably more I can't remember

50. How old will you be turning on your next birthday? I'll be 41 on March 5th. Gawd I'm getting old.

My Facebook Friends are Talking . . .

. . . about this photo from prom my junior year of high school. What of it? Everyone has to bring something to Show & Tell!


I'm sure my high school boyfriend (with whom I am still friends) would absolutely love that his photo is available for all the world to see. :) I'm even more sure that I would never post a picture of this caliber had my DH been standing next to me. I have to be married to the guy, ya know!!!

Even worse, I would wear that dress again ANY day (even in public!!!) if I could only have back that tiny figure . . . you know, the tiny figure hidden under that dress. haha!

A Year in Photos

My friend Misty is starting a new project, and I am going to join her! Granted, some of it will be under the ruse of wanting a new DSLR camera for my birthday. Until I hopefully get my birthday gift, I'll have to use my phone's camera and my point & shoot. Prepare for poor quality photos taken with little skill!

Project 365 has recommendations and tips on chronicling your life in daily photos. I've put some of the tips below, but you should also check out their site. I'm hoping by doing this that I can improve my mad photography skillz (which are really bad), keep a daily journal of sorts, share things with my family and friends, and have more photos to scrapbook. Gosh, if we actually get pregnant and have a baby this year, I could have some great photos to share!!

I thought of starting a new blog for my project, but I just don't have the time/energy/desire/skill to manage my two blogs + my class' blog + our website + my website for school + my school's website. See what I mean? Instead, my friend Megan turned me on to Shuttercal. It's so cool! Your photos are easy to upload and show like a calendar. Fun! It will take me a while to get used to it, but it seems easy so far.

Why don't you JOIN ME? If you do, let me know. I'll need ideas and inspiration!


Here's the info I pulled from the Project 365 website:

WHY DO IT?
Taking a photo a day is a big undertaking with big payoffs. Here are just a few reasons why you should consider doing it:

Imagine being able to look back at any day of your year and recall what you did, who you met, what you learned… (Often we find it hard to remember what we did just yesterday or even last night, let alone a whole year ago!)


Your year-long photo album will be an amazing way to document your travels and accomplishments, your haircuts and relationships. Time moves surprisingly fast.

Taking a photo a day will make you a better photographer. Using your camera every day will help you learn its limits. You will get better at composing your shots, you’ll start to care about lighting, and you’ll become more creative with your photography when you’re forced to come up with something new every single day.

TIPS ON HOW TO DO IT

6 Tips on How to Do It....

1. Bring Your Camera Everywhere
Yes, everywhere. Get in the habit. Grocery stores, restaurants, parties, work, and school. Going to a movie theatre? Snap a pic of the flick with your phone–there are photo-ops everywhere. If you have one of those tiny tiny cameras, you have no excuse not to have it in your pocket all the time. And if you don’t? Camera phones are a great substitute.


2. Make Posting Easy
You can install blog software like Movable Type or Wordpress on your own site and create an entry for each photo, but for true ease of use, try a photo sharing site. Flickr will let you post a week’s worth of photos in 2 minutes flat, and fotolog and Photoblog are geared toward a photo-a-day workflow. Making it fast and easy means you’re much more likely to do it.

3. Vary Your Themes
Try to capture the day’s events in a single photo. Perform photographic experiments. Take a photo of someone new you meet, something you ate for the first time, or something you just learned how to do. Take a photo of something that made you smile. And don’t forget to take a photo of yourself at least once a month so you can remember how you’ve changed, too.

4. Tell a Story
Use your blog entry, or your photo description, to explain what’s going on in each day’s photograph. How good did that dinner taste? What made you want to take a photo of that stranger? It’ll help you remember down the road, and it gives friends following along a better appreciation of why you took the photo you did. You don’t need to write a lot, just enough to add some color.

5. Don’t Stop, No Matter What
This is perhaps the most important tip of all. You will get tired of taking a photo every single day. Some days, you will consider giving up. Don’t. The end result is worth the effort. Remind yourself why you wanted to do it in first place.

There will be times you’ll think there’s nothing interesting left to take a photo of, and times you’ll think you didn’t do anything exciting enough to take a photo of. There’s always a great photo to be made.

Get out of the house and take a walk. Or stay inside and look around. Take a photo of something important to you. Take a photo of the inside of your house so you can see how your taste has changed over the years. Take a photo of anything, just don’t stop.

N.b. It helps if you’ve told your friends about the project and asked them to follow along. Their encouragement will keep you going!

6. Post early, post often
Plan on going through and posting your photos at least once a week so you don’t get backlogged and feel overwhelmed. Ideally, post every day or two. Again, spend the time up front to make sure it’s quick and easy to post. It’ll make all the difference.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to wish you all of the blessings that Christmas provides us. Our Lord brought to us His son, so that He may provide us all the miraculous gift of eternal life. While I know the holidays can often be difficult for many of us, know that His promise is always with you.

If you are celebrating Chanukah, I wish you blessings as you join with family each night to celebrate. Whatever your belief system, I hope that you are able to take this time of year to spend with loved ones, to relax and reflect, and plan for the renewal of a new year.

Thanks to all of you who read this blog from around the world. I know you are out there, and I feel your warmth and presence. Your presence and comments make the lonely days feel a little lighter, and the crazy, confusing times feel a little clearer. Thank you.

What Will They Miss?

For this week's Show & Tell, I have to share a photo and some feelings it surfaced in me.

Recently, I came across this photo of all of the cousins (but the three youngest) on my Dad's side of the family. I see it often since I have it on the hard drive of my computer. Seeing this picture reminds me of all of the memories I have with my cousins.

Memories on Grandma & Grandpa's farm in Oklahoma. Playing hide & seek in the wheat fields. Running around the barn and chasing the cows. Country breakfasts of biscuits, sausage, and gravy. Playing free as children, running throughout that safe, small town. Riding the tractors. Going to the soda fountain shop "in town". Visiting Grandpa in the hospital. Visiting the family in California. Family golf tournaments. Family weddings. Shoot, we even had a good time gathering for family funerals. There are so many more memories than just those.

However, seeing the photo this time it made me think of something completely different than usual. I thought of our (hopefully) future children. What will they miss? Will they be able to play with their cousins? My sisters' children range in age from 4 to 21 years old. They will probably be my kids' babysitters. There will be too much of an age difference to be "playmates" like we all were (and still are!). My brother's children are 1 1/2 and 5 1/2, so maybe they'll be close. DH's cousin's kids range in age from 2 - 8, so maybe they can play some.

I just hope that going through what we have so far to create our own family will offer our children the opportunity to have closeness within their extended family. Knowing what blessings I've found in my extended family, it would truly be sad if they did not. Yes, they would be missing out on a great part of what family means to me.

As My Uterus Turns

After calling Dr. G&D's office multiple times in two days, I called him on his personal cell phone last night. He was going to be on my time for a change. I figured if i couldn't get an answer in a timely manner, that I would hunt it down (i.e., hunt him down). Thanks to my RE-chasing, the verdict from my HSG, MRI (and other hooha related fun) is in.

The HSG and MRI showed no septum, but it did show that I am sporting a bicornuate uterus.

The good news? No surgery needed. YEA! I'll get to enjoy the final days of 2008 without any more hooha parties!

The not so good news? A bicornuate uterus increases the chance of miscarriage (uh, ya think?) and early delivery/PTL due to a shortened cervical length.

Where do we go from here? Dr. G&D wants DH to go in for an SA since he hasn't had one before. (Might as well let DH see just a tiny glimpse of what I've been through the past 21 months.) Then we'll go in together, review the results, make a plan which will include injectibles (pray for donated meds), and go for it.

DH and I are both on Christmas vacation through the 5th, so we hope to spend this time relaxing, enjoying, and just hanging out. I hope all of you can find some time do the same as well!

Wonderful Quote

I saw this quote on Angie Smith's blog, and I had to share it. Perspective is everything.

"There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Funnies from Dr. Terrific

Dr. T is a doctor who possesses a great sense of humor while also being a thorough, knowledgeable, and caring professional. One of his funniest quotes ever was, "It's great that you live less than a 1/2 mile from me. That will be convenient when you get pregnant. You'll be able to come down the street, & we can check your cervix in the garage!" Me: "There will be NO checking my cervix in the garage."

Here are some other funny quotes from Dr. T during my visit yesterday:

"I'll let you get changed. I used to stay in here while women disrobed, but someone once told me that it probably wasn't a good idea."

"We've made some changes around here. I had to let two of my girls go because they had no personality."

"One of those girls (that he let go) could probably work for Dr. G&D. Sounds like she'd fit right in!"

"What did we do to you in April?" (I told him about April, using my typical smartass tone.) "Well, good. I like a patient who knows what's going on."

"Well, I wouldn't want to give you the wrong information or make you mad." (I said, "Is that because I know where you live?") His reply, "Well, DUH!"

"Would you like to see pictures of my kids? That's probably not the best question to ask a habitual arborter, huh?" One must obviously have a good rapport with your doc for him to get away with saying something like that. I do, and I laughed while telling him I'm used to that question. His kids are all in college, by the way.

"When I talk with Dr. G&D, I'll make sure to talk to him about the Messiah." Dr. T is Christian & Dr. G&D is Jewish. I hope he mentions the Messiah after they discuss my uterus.

"I look forward to hearing about your sore breasts and nausea soon, so I can give you needles of Lovenox." SO DO I!!!

Like Coming Home

My annual "well woman exam" (I hate that term) was today with Dr. T, aka Dr. Terrific my OB/gyn. Seeing Dr. T felt like a breath of fresh air. His upbeat attitude, charm, sense of humor, and overall personality just make me love him. I'll share some of the fun we shared during my appointment at a later date. Yes, I used the word fun in the same paragraph as I mentioned my OB/gyn and a pap smear. You gotta know Dr. Terrific, I suppose.

When I updated him on everything from Dr. Gloom & Doom (aka, Dr. G&D my RE), Dr. T was very surprised to hear of the possibility of a bicornuate or septate uterus. He also didn't feel as if my left tube was closed. Dr. T pulled out the party pics from my surgery in April, and things just didn't seem to match up. Even I could tell. Granted, that was eight months ago, but the findings & details from April to December seemed very contradictory.

Past party pics showed no uterine defects, no closed tube, etc. Dr. T said tubes can often appear closed through an HSG due to spasms of the fallopian tube. Having experienced the massive cramping that occurs during the HSG, I can totally see (feel!) how that could happen.

I am going to have Dr. G&D contact Dr. T so the two of them can compare parties in my hooha discuss the various findings of my HSG, MRI, and both surgeries. Yes, I've had other doctors party in my hooha besides them, but they've always brought cake & gifts spent the most time all "up in dair." If it is deemed by BOTH doctors that another surgery is required, my request will be that they operate together. As I told my mom, "It's my body and what I say goes." Typically a negative nelly who is also a nurse, I was a bit taken aback when Mom agreed with my position.

So . . . after a weekend-long massive pity party for one, love and patience from DH, lots of support from strangers blog friends, IRL friends, and family, and an entertaining (as always) visit with Dr. T . . . I feel a little more positive. I'm working my way back into a mindset of the possibility that we might actually be able to have a baby. At least I'm going to give it a helluva try. God wouldn't punish me like that, would he? Oh, I hope not.

I Can Feel It

But I only feel it slipping away.
You know what it is.
You might have it.
You might not.
You might have lost it.
You might have found it again.
I've had it for a while.
A long while, in fact.
But now I feel it slipping away.
And it hurts.
I've held tight to it for so long.
Even when it's been ripped from me.
Ripped from me time and time again.
I've always found more to hold.
I've always fought hard to keep just a little of it.
But now . . .
I'm having a hard time finding it.
I just don't feel it right now like I have before.
Even in the dark times.
My grip has weakened.
It's slipping away.
So far away that I don't know if I can find it again.

It's that thing called hope.
It's slipping away quickly.
And I don't know if I can get it back.

HSG: No news is good news, but . . .

. . . not good news is simply not good news. It's not BAD news, just not good.

Disclaimer: If your eyes, ears, heart, mind, or whatever is highly sensitive or offended by cursing . . . sorry. I'm not happy and I'm tired of filtering when I write. I can just hope that you and God forgive me. Oh, and this is probably going to be long and rambly.

I just got back from my HSG. About the HSG - not too bad. Cramping? Oh hell yeah. You know exactly when that dye goes in. Geez. Dr. Gloom & Doom, who actually showed a some personality today, gathered 'round the video screen pointing and chatting about my ute with the radiologist. I hear hhmmmm, blahblahblah, etc. At that point, I'm trying not to cry. Either way, it can't be stellar news. Plus, I'm still cramping. There was no glittering of what should be my diamond-encrusted uterus. None at all. Piece of crap ute. I've spent all this damn money and it's still a piece of shit.

They snap a few pics and Dr. G&D comes over to me. He tells me that my left tube is completely closed. When the fuck did that happen? It was just fine in April when my OB/gyn, Dr. Terrific, did my lap surgery which included chromotubation. Everything was wide open & in working order. Well shit. Yeah I know you can get pg with one tube, but really, isn't two better? God gave me two, so I should be able to use them.

I'm thinking, okay - this is survivable. Take that one tube and run with it. Then Dr. G&D opens his mouth again, telling me the shots taken show something abnormal. He believes my uterus is either septate or bicornuate. He's leaning more towards the latter of the two. Delightful! I have a dead tube and a fucked up uterus. And why the hell has nobody ever figured that out? I've had multiple OB/gyns partying in my hooha and nobody figured out anything? What else???

An MRI - that's what else! We tried to schedule it for today, but they were booked. Then I thought, "What the hell, what about a mammogram while I'm here?" They were booked as well. Maybe I should've scheduled some kind of plastic surgery for the afternoon to make me feel better instead.

I held it together until I got into my car and headed home. That's when I lost it. I've been so good at keeping it all together lately and needed the release. I'm frustrated as hell. This is not fair. I don't deserve this. DH doesn't deserve this. What am I supposed to be learning from all of this? Why does this have to be so difficult? I just want a baby. You know - a baby - just like all crackwhores, teenagers, prostitutes, crazyass, and loser women have all the time.

The MRI is tomorrow. We'll get more definitive answers then. From there, almost definitely resection surgery. That needs to happen in the next two weeks. Go, Speed Racer. Drive your fucking ass to the finish line and give me your baby. I digress . . . They offered me Xanax to take prior to the MRI tomorrow, and I declined. Since DH wants to go with me (He said, "You've been through enough already."), I'm calling them and telling them to get the drugs ready. And keep 'em coming. Between Xanax, DH, my iPod, and Josh Groban up high, I should be fine. I've had an MRI before and I'm not claustrophobic, but I don't want to suddenly become that way tomorrow. Plus, I've never had Xanax and it might be good for me to try it out. :)

Jesus, I'm so fucking tired of having all of my shit be wrong and need fixing. I swear to God right now that I'll officially snap if anyone tells me that "Gosh, at least you can get it fixed," or "Thankfully it'll be okay," or "At least you got answers, " or "You should be happy you know why you m/c," or "Don't worry, I'm sure things will be fine," or any of the other shit-you-shouldn't-dare-say-or-are-supposed-to-say-to-RPL-and-IF-women.

I am in love with my amazing husband, and I just want to have a baby with him. That's all. I just don't know how much more we're going to have to endure before that happens. I just don't more how much I can take physically, emotionally, and financially.

For now, I shall drink lots of wine. The next procedure I require will be to resuscitate my liver. Unless that Xanax is nice . . . then there's no telling what might happen.

DH - Funny or Not?

As I'm leaving for work this morning, I kiss my wonderful husband tell him goodbye. Walking down the hall, I hear from behind me, "Good luck getting your hooha dyed!"

So my question . . . DH - Funny or Not? I say funny, but he shouldn't quit his day job! :)

Note: His statement tempted me to dye some other things down there just to confused him. I'm simply not up to that though.

Getting Plans In Motion!

Remember Plan #5,457,356,068 - or something like that? Well, tomorrow that plan will begin rolling!

My HSG is tomorrow at 2pm CST. Hopefully there will be NO uterine septum. If there is, then I'll have surgery sometime in the next two weeks (before the year is over). We'll then discuss option for this cycle. As previously mentioned, Dr. Gloom & Doom (RE) wants me to begin injection therapy using Follistim.

Please also pray that donated Follistim can be found, as these two poor teachers can't afford over $1000 on a wing & a prayer. Even if it wasn't on a wing & a prayer, we just don't have that kind of money right now. I'm not at all worried about the procedure itself, but I ask for your prayers and good thoughts that everything goes well.

My recovery should be easy since DH's work Xmas party is tomorrow night - and there will be wine. :)

Ramblings Heard Around the World

Today Fertile Ramblings has welcome visitors from at least 10 countries! I'd love to "meet" all of you. Think of the great happy hours & dinner conversations we could have! No need to lurk . . . leave a comment and say hello!

Supporting Our Local Hospitals

My family has been working extra-hard to make sure that, with this flailing economy, our local hospitals remain up and running. Our giving has exceeded $400,000 just this year! Aren't we so helpful??!!!

Won't you continue the tradition my family has begun by also supporting your local hospital? How have we done it, you ask? Well (gosh), here's how:

* My IF - including 2 HSCs, massive bloodwork, SHG, u/s, and more! (just read this blog)

* My Mom - bypass surgery, including an atrial valve repair, over 7 days in ICU, another week in IMC, and all of the testing before, during, & after her actual procedure.

* My Niece - almost losing her hand in an accident (Whitney vs. the window), ambulance service, emergency surgery, hospitalization, rehabilitation

* My Grandmother - mutiple hospitalizations, cancer treatment including the cost of hospice, morphine & other fine drugs

* My Stepdad - presently in the ICU with heart and kidney failure. Day 4 of ??? days completed today.

* Even My Dog - surgery to remove a large tumor from his chest

However, there are easier & less painful ways to support your local hospitals. I highly recommend that you
$$ JUST SEND CASH $$.

Surviving

Friday, December 5th was the 2nd year I've had to celebrate the EDD of my first loss. Thankfully, I've been through two other EDDs so far and I knew what to do. It just feels weird and makes me sad that we should have a 1 year old in the house, and we aren't even pregnant now. :(

My HSG is Friday. We'll see what happens from here. I'm not holding my breath.

Happy Baby, Antigone!

Welcome!!! Today is Antigone Lost's Virtual Baby Shower!

This is one of the best virtual showers to which I have ever been invited. (Okay, it's really my first.) My dear blogernet friend, Antigone, has been through her share of heartache in the past almost two years. Antigone is a true survivor as is her soon-to-be-born baby boy Perseus. Now it is finally a time for celebration!

Please, get comfortable and have some cake. I've never made a virtual baby shower cake before, so I hope this will do. In fact I tried to make Perseus a Dallas Cowboys cake, but my mad cake-makin' skillz left a little to be desired.



Now it's time for PRESENTS!!!! I couldn't get all of them in the shot, but there are plenty! Can someone grab a trash bag for all this paper? And who is writing down the list of gifts? I can, but I usually forget to record some due to the ooohing and aaahing I do.

Here's mine. Open it - open it!

I know it's not much, but when I buy gifts, I buy my favorites. These wonderful bathtime goodies will help Perseus get clean and relaxed before bedtime. Plus he will smell sssooooo good. We all know there's nothing better than sweet-smelling baby! (Everyone with me - ssnnnniiiiiiiiifffffffffffffffff. Aaaahhh!) They should be arriving on your doorstep any day now.

Oh there's something else. It's for your next trip to Dallas!

And of course, I brought some virtual gifts for Sothis. He'll need some new toys so Perseus doesn't have to share. (These are actually from my Mackey, Pippin & Steve.)

Antigone my friend, I wish you all of the love, joy, and happiness that your baby boy can possibly bring. He will be blessed by a mother full of strength, intelligence, depth, and heart. You probably think of yourself as the blessed one, but I think Perseus will be the one who is blessed. Just as we have all been blessed by you.

What a wonderful time I've had at my first virtual baby shower. Everything has been so wonderful! Thank you to Yummy Sushi Pajamas and Missing One for inviting me. I hope that we can all gather again for another baby shower very soon.

When I Said She's ALMOST Here

I guess I meant it.

After a hydrocodone night after my last post, I expected AF to hit with a vengeance the next morning. Well, that hasn't happened. I am spotting, but no BRB yet. I can't schedule my HSG until then. Such a pain. Such a BIG HUGE pain. Frustration abound.

On another note, Friday will be an fun day here on Fertile Ramblings, so check back then!

She's almost baaaaccckkkkkkk

AF that is. According to the qtip test I did tonight (after piac just in case I needed to poas), she'll be here tomorrow or so. Today is CD31, so she's late to her own party. My skin has actually cleared up a bit, and I don't know why. (My skin is a freaking hormonal disaster as it is.) I also needed chocolate earlier - a definite sign. How else do I know that nasty red-headed slut is showing up soon?

CRAMPS.
Death-style cramps.
I'm talking holyhell cramps, people.

There has to be someone or something inside of me that is trying to split my pelvis in half, twist my uterus, tubes & ovaries in some kind of a roller-coasterish disaster, and just plain kill me. They're the kind of cramps that you have in the beginning of a miscarriage. Where are my pain pills, by the way?

So as soon as her ugly head rears in the next 24-48 hours, I'll call Dr. G&D to schedule my HSG. Won't that be fun?

Then I'll likely start injectibles (if I can get my hands on some donated Follistim) with the potential to become a hormonal, freaking disaster.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas . . .

Do You Use Ebates?

Confession: I'm not a big coupon clipper. If it's really convenient, I'll clip it & take it with me. Usually Hobby Lobby, JoAnn's, or Michael's are the only stores that get my coupons. (A girl's gotta scrapbook!) DH used to be really good at clipping coupons, and I was many years ago, but not anymore. That needs to change now that I'm spending sometimes over $400/month on groceries. With the costs of trying to have a baby, we also need to save money in every possible way.

Well, ebates is awesome. It's a website that shows you tons of stores and whatever deals they currently have and then offers a % of your purchase back as a rebate. And lots of the stores have double rebates during the holidays! They also have double rebates for lots of stores and lots of free shipping offers. Wonder if they'll ever add any hospitals or medication discounts or IVF cost breaks? :) Anyway . . .

If you haven't signed up already -- you can use my referral ID by clicking here and we both get a $5 credit! Easy way to save for those of us who aren't good at deal hunting and coupon clipping! With the economy in its current state, everyone can use all the help we can get. Especially for those of us going broke due to infertility!

This Time Next Year

Beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. In the middle of setting up our gorgeous Christmas tree, it hit me. The tears became heavy in my eyes and began to fall. "I'm just so sad. We should be having our baby right now." There was no baby.

Again, he tried to comfort me but didn't really know how. Not for a lack of trying, though. There was usually no way to console me. "Maybe this time next year we'll have a baby." Nope. Not this year either.

I hesitated to say it again yesterday as we began putting up our gorgeous Christmas tree. Again we had beautiful, twinkling lights. Ornaments from years past. Decorations galore. Dogs at our feet. Cat under the tree. And it hit me again. This time, the tears didn't fall like last year. My eyes welled up with tears, but they didn't fall. It's not because I'm not sad. It's not because I don't have a large, open space in my heart waiting (longing) to be filled with our child. Maybe I just don't have any tears left. Or maybe it's because I don't know what's going to happen next year. Maybe it's because I don't know anything anymore.

Giving Thanks

Although this year has been full of ups & downs, I feel as if there are many reasons to give thanks. I am truly thankful for so many things.

I am thankful for my loving husband, our family, our friends, our pets, our home, our stable jobs, and more. I am thankful that technology has offered me the opportunity to journal my thoughts and experiences in order to help myself and hopefully help someone else. I am thankful that I have made new friends (IRL & OL) that have walked this journey with me thus far.

And while our home does not yet offer a pregnant waddling wife, a beaming father to be, a specially-created nursery, cries in the middle of the night for a feeding, the sounds of crawling knees and pitter patter of little feet, toys strewn about the house, and a family of more than two . . . I must still be thankful.

Psalm 106:1 Praise the LORD. Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever. God has a plan for me - an amazing plan. While I often do not understand why God has me experience some of the things I do in life, I must trust in Him and be thankful to Him for giving me this life and providing me the blessings he has.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. I know the holidays can be difficult for everyone. While Thanksgiving may be a time of joyous cooking, feasting, family, friends, and football, it can also be a day of misery and loneliness for others. No matter what your circumstances may be as you read this, I pray that you will find at least one thing that allows you to offer thanks. No matter how big or how small, you will find something for which you can offer your thanks each day. Please take the time to love yourself and remember there is always something worth living for and always one reason to give thanks even in those darkest days.

Blessings to you and yours.

Reminders

Thank you to the 1st Wishes company for sending me a catalog to plan my dead baby's first birthday. I've been so busy planning for the holidays that I forgot I'm supposed to be planning a first birthday party for the 1st weekend of December. Here's what I sent to the company:

Please remove the address below from your records immediately. I did not request one of your catalogs, as we had three miscarriages in the past year and have no living children. Thank you.

The auto response email said I'd get a response within 24 business hours. Yeah, let's see if I get a response. Dammit, I hate this.

Plan #5,457,356,068 (or something like that)

My post-op appointment with Dr. Gloom & Doom finally happened. And when I say finally, I mean finally. I raced like a bat out of hell to get ready and to the doctor's office on time. Not long after I checked in & settled in on the couch, Dr. G&D walks through the waiting room, says hello to me, and leaves. As in leaves the office. As in not to be seen for an hour. WTH? For some reason, I was not told of his "emergency" for over 40 minutes. I took the "opportunity" to read chapters 3 & 4 of the waiting room copy of "Conquering Infertility." Pretty good book btw!

Now to the appointment. It lasted all of 10 minutes, and that is only because I started asking all kinds of questions. I wanted my money's worth. :) Luckily no clothing was removed to reveal my experiment. My blood pressure was up 140/100. Wonder why? I only sat in the waiting room for a freaking hour. Plus, I ran out of my bp meds & hadn't had them since Saturday. See, there's always a reason for everything.

Anyway . . . Pathology said everything from surgery was fine. Fibroid was removed. I got to see more party pics of my uterus. Poor, beaten up thing.

The Plan - #5,457,356,068 or something like that if you're still counting:

1. Wait for AF. She's on her way I'm sure.
2. Call the office on CD1 to schedule HSG.
3. See what the HSG shows.
4. If the HSG shows any uterine septum, then schedule resection surgery.
5. Resection surgery (if needed) would happen before Xmas. Good thing since I met my OOP expenses in April. Geez.
6. Either way, the next cycle will include injection therapy. Most likely Follistim.
7. Get pregnant. (Been there, done that.)
8. Have baby. (Novel, yet new, concept for me.)

I asked the doctor why nobody had seen a septum before. Since it's not a complete septum/division, it wouldn't be easy to see. I used the analogy of the septum being like the inside of a bell pepper. Dr. D&G said it was something like that but probably not even that pronounced.

I also asked (remember, I had to get my money's worth) what the cost of injections would be. See, I'm one of the masses that doesn't have IF covered by insurance. No telling what it will cost.
I asked (still thinking time = $$) what the rate of multiples would be with the Follistim. Believe it or not, the rate of multiples thru injection therapy such as Follistim decreases with age. I'm okay with twins (preferably no more than 2 a time), but DH said he'd "cut it off" if we had more than one at a time. Whatever.

So, that's the plan. Any experiences you'd like to share? Be honest. It's okay to scare me if you have to do it. This whole IF thing is scary anyway.

Oh, and I made an appointment for my annual exam today. Party in my hooha! Everyone's invited! (They all know how to get there now.)

My Morning, My Day, My Experiment

I LOVE sleeping in, all cuddled up in bed. It's my week off, so I've been looking forward to this for weeks now. I thought if I stayed up late last night that I'd sleep in this morning. Uh, no. That didn't happen. So now, with less than 5 hours of sleep, I have my day ahead of me.

So far, I have:

• Practice peed (BFN of course, so no more for me.)
• Grabbed my nipples (Remember my last nipple post? Same deal.) OUCH!
• Hugged Todd goodbye (Poor guy has to work!)
• Read some blogs
• Got poor, crazy Mackey to quit howling like he's being murdered.
• Snuggled with my baby dog, Steve. Not for long though - he's gassy again today. (WTH has he been eating??)
• Said good morning to my cat, Mindy, as she walked in & out of the bedroom.
• Thought about what shopping I'd like to do today.
• Stayed in bed
• Thought about Thanksgiving cooking that needs to be done.
• Pet my girlfriend dog, Pippin, since she's finally awake.
• Grumbled about the fact that I need to make an appt. for my annual. Have enough people not been in my hooha lately? ggrrr
• Remembered that I also need to make a mammogram appointment. Not right now. Not with these nipples.
• Worried about finances, remembered I need to pay my bills
• Made a to do list in my head
• Thought of the foods I'd like to eat for breakfast, but I'm too lazy to get out of bed to eat them.
• Checked the clock to see if it was around 11:00. I want a tuna fish sandwich, but I can't rationalize eating tuna during breakfasting hours.
• Checked the exact time for my post-op appointment with Dr. G&D (the RE) this afternoon. I don't know what to ask or say or do. Guess he'll have to be in charge of this meeting. Hope he doesn't want to do any checking out of anything because I ain't shavin' nothin'.

Speaking of shaving, did I tell you I'm conducting an experiment? Yes, I am. (I know this is rambling, thus the blog title.) To let you know upfront, I LOVE my Epilady. What is an Epilady you ask? It is a wonderful electronic device donning spinning coils that rips the hair out of your legs from the root. Some would consider it a torture device, but it's really not that bad.

Anyway, to my experiment . . . I recently Epiladied my right leg and shaved my left. Honestly, I ran out of time trying to Epilady, so I decided it would be a good time for an experiment. The right left is still fairly smooth, but the left leg is awfully hairy now. Time to break the Epilady out for BOTH legs. But, not today. (Time to refer back to the disclosure regarding my post-op appoinment!)

I guess it's time to figure out what I else I don't want to do today . . . . . . OOoooo! The Price is Right is on! :)

I found this fun & cool tool on Mrs. Spit's blog, and I decided I needed to Typealyzer my blog too. I did the same for my other blog, and got the same results. The only difference was the brain activity map.

The analysis indicates that the author of Fertile Ramblings is of the type:

ESFP - The Performers

This picture is what is shown on the Typealyzer website. Funny, because it looks a bit like me the night I met DH for our blind date! However, my hair was longer and curlier, I was not nearly as thin (in my dreams), & my tights kept slipping down to my knees - ha! There is something in her glass in this pic, and my drink always seemed to be empty that night. Anyway . . . my blog analysis:

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

Analysis
This show what parts of the brain that were dominant during writing.

Show & Tell: Ramblings About #3

For today's Show & Tell, I would show a photo of my empty uterus. However, my most recent pics would have to be scanned, and I don't want anyone else up/in there taking pictures & doing stuff. So, you get emptiness. Close your eyes & see the darkness. See? That's right - there's nothing to see!

Tomorrow is EDD#3, and I don't even know what to say anymore. Little did I think that a year after we married that we would have experienced three losses. Little could I imagine that twenty months after we married that we wouldn't even be pregnant. Little did I know how badly it would hurt sometimes.

I seriously felt that we would struggle with getting pregnant. I truly never thought that we would have a miscarriage, much less three. I mentally prepared myself that we would need assistance conceiving and explained that to DH before we were even engaged. I know there are some, but there are few women over 40 that I know having (or trying to have) babies. Being AMA just puts us on the edge of the cliff of fertility.

I feel like everyone has found their success. Why not us? I rarely cry about it anymore because it does no good. I don't feel better after crying. I just feel lost sometimes, like I'm in a world of mommies and daddies and babies, and that we don't really belong here. It's as if we were dropped on the wrong planet; that we should be in the world of only the childless people. But that's definitely not the case. Children, families, pregnant women, and doting grandparents are all around us (but they are basically like a magnet to us). They just aren't us. We aren't one of them.

Dammit.

Oh, and Target has car seats on sale. And I want to buy one. Seriously????? Why would I ever need it?? I showed DH & he says "NO" to buying it. He probably thinks I'm certifiably insane now. (If there was ever any doubt.)

Feedback

I received a feedback form from the hospital where I had both surgeries (April & last week). In April, I didn't send in my feedback. This time I did.

At check-in for both surgeries, they were visibly understaffed and sent me to L&D to check in. I was not happy the first time & it was all I do not to cry. They did again last week & I was pissed.

So, in my feedback I explained the situation and told them something to the effect of "Being a woman who had three m/cs in a year, I found it difficult when I was told to go check-in at L&D due to understaffing. Not all patients (and their families) being treated in the Women's Center are there for a joyous occasion. Having to check in where families are gathering, people are excited hearing good news, women are having their babies, etc. was hurtful and inconsiderate. I hope the hospital will consider the state of their patients in the future, and find a more courteous and considerate alternative to checking in for surgery."

It had an optional space for your name and number, but I didn't leave mine because I don't feel like discussing myself over the phone with yet another stranger.

C'mere You Stupid Stork

Quit digging around in the grass & go find me a baby!!!

Tears and Hope

This is a wonderful video that my friend Jenn shared with me. It might somewhat explain what those of us want so badly, how that desire has changed us while keeping us the same, and how others fit into that plan.

What is MTHFR?

I've seen many posts on the online forums which I visit and have received questions from many others about the MTHFR genetic mutation. This is my perspective.

Disclaimer: PLEASE consult your own medical professional and do not consider my thoughts and opinions in your own treatment. Everything included herein is not based on information from a medical professional. (I am an elementary school teacher!!) Everything written here is based upon MY personal experience and research. I cannot/will not be held liable for erroneous information or for those seeking answers or treatment.

MTHFR - methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase - is a gene that we ALL have. So if someone says "I have MTHFR," of course they do! However, some of us unfortunately have mutations of the MTHFR gene which can cause miscarriage and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. The MTHFR mutation causes the body the inability to absorb folic acid (vitamin B9) and may also cause clotting issues, both of which are vital for a successful pregnancy. It is possible to carry a successful pregnancy with the MTHFR mutation, but the risks are higher for cystic fibrosis and other neural tube defects due issues with folic acid deficiencies.

Testing of the MTHFR gene is simple. One of the standard tests in the RPL panel includes testing of the MTHFR gene. This blood work can be drawn to test for many disorders which might explain RPL in some women. Many insurance companies do not cover costs of the RPL panel until three (3) or more miscarriages have been diagnosed. Check with your insurance company or "work" with your doctor for coding should you require/need/want RPL testing prior to three (3) miscarriages.

Very little information is available on the MTHFR mutation because it was discovered just a handful of years ago. There is some information available on the internet, but much of it is in medical journals which can be difficult to decipher and comprehend. The resource I have found to be the easiest to understand in my research is here.

There are homozygous and heterozygous mutations of the gene, and each can create different issues depending on the type of mutation one carries. RPL results will show the exact mutation(s) although treatments are often the same.

* Typical protocol for treatment includes an increase in folic acid (appx. 4mg daily) , a daily dose of 81mg aspirin (the same dosage of baby aspirin), and the possibility of blood-thinning injections during pregnancy. Some doctors increase the intake of vitamins B6 and B12. Of course, all women trying to conceive should take prenatal vitamins - either prescription or over the counter. An OB/gyn should have patients do a fasting blood draw to test your homocysteine levels. If they are elevated, he/she will most likely prescribe Lovenox or Heparin shots upon a positive pregnancy test.

My diagnosis & treatment: After two early m/cs (both at 8.5w), my amazing OB/gyn felt it would be smart for me have the RPL panel run. He coded my paperwork so that my insurance would cover the testing without question. I was found to have a homozygous MTHFR mutation of the C677t, which means that I have two copies of that gene. My Rx includes 4mg Foltex each day, plus my PNV (which also contains f/a), and an 81mg aspirin each day. When tested, my homocysteine levels were not elevated, but my ob/gyn wants me to have Lovenox injections with my next bfp because (1) I've requested it because I feel in my gut that it will help, and (2) he's proactive and willing to "pull out all the stops" for me to have a successful pg. He's an awesome doc.

Hope that helps to answer some questions and provide information that might help you or someone else.

Thank you, Dr. Self

I'm glad I took my own advice last night and changed my choice of meds. I finally got some sleep. Today, I can just be sore and not sleepy, too. Thanks for listening to my rants for the past couple of days (that is if you're still really here!). :)

Sleep is a beautiful thing . . .

Quotes for Strength

I have been collecting quotes for years. Since my first loss I've gathered quotes to provide me strength, so thought I'd include some here in hopes that it may help you find strength when you need it. I tried to add this as a gadget on the blog, but it took up too much page space & my anal/OCD self didn't like the formatting. Credit for quotes is given when provided (please comment here if you can provide credit for any quote). Have any others to add? Let me know!


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"You won't get over this, but you will get through this." (With hope, faith, family, and friends, and especially ourselves, it's amazing what we can survive.) - kekis - me!

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"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. You shine all the time, Angel, and in these dark times, your inner beauty will continue to illuminate around you. Know that when it seems the world can't get any darker and you don't have the strength to shine your light, let those who love you shine for you and show you the way again."

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From Maria's blog:

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother: There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

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From PL/SAL Nestie "ourlittlebean" 11/07:
God understands greiving days. It is okay to cry for an entire day for the one you loved so much and have to go on without. But it is the devil who keeps that grief in your heart permanently. God knows you will be sad and allows you those days, but you can't let that grief take over all the parts of your life. You must be open to good things, because those good and positive things are God. You are not doing an injustice to the one you have lost if you move on, you are honoring them. They are waiting for you to smile again. Letting God do good with you is the right thing to do.

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from MrsABC's blog, 11/15/07 "You can’t grasp the loss until you understand the gain." ". . . what I can’t understand is why our story has to be a secret. When a family member dies, you grieve with the support of all the people in your life. But when the baby growing inside of you dies, you lock the sorrow inside your house and walk around in the outside world as if nothing has been lost. So I'm done keeping this a secret."

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God never promises to remove us from our struggles. He does promise, however, to change the way we look at them. -Max Lucado

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1 Thessalonians 5:17-18 - Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

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"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next." -Gilda Radner

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"This isn't something you get over. It's just something you get through, and then you carry it around with you for the rest of your life. It's part of your story now. Part of your history. It'll always, always hurt. Just not quite as bad someday." from Lucious Lemon by Heather Swain

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Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

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When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

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The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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"When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways - either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength." -Dalai Lama

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My Birthverse from Titus 3:5 NIV
He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit

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"Sometimes we expect more from others because we would be willing to do that much for them."
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From MaydayGirl's blog:
"Your God is big, and He has a big plan for you . . . and one day you'll see . . . that plan will call you mommy."

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"Loss has been part of my journey, but it has also shown me what is precious." from the movie Message in a Bottle

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"Don't hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love." ~Unknown

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"You will be happy again. Life will become joyful again. And somehow, some way, if you want to become a parent, you will." - Alice Domar Ph.D., author of "Conquering Infertility"

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Mark 11-23-24: "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

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"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11

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Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. -- Genesis 25:21

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Those who were full hire themselves out for food, but those who were hungry hunger no more. She who was barren has borne seven children, but she who has had many sons pines away. The LORD brings death and makes alive; he brings down to the grave and raises up. -- 1 Samuel 2:5

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He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. -- Psalm 113:9

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His promise is near. Keep believing Him for His promise.

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Make sure you pray, and pray believing God will answer.

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"And even though I'm walkin' through the valley of the shadow, I will hold tight to the hand of Him, whose love will comfort me. And when all hope is gone and I've been wounded in the battle, He is all the strength that I will ever need. He will carry me." ~ Mark Schultz

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"Prayer should never be your last resort, it should be your first response"

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"After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be."

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"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said; people will forget what you did; but they will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

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"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." - Helen Keller

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From Bring the Rain, Angie Smith's blog: "My Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room . . ."

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"The risk of love is loss and the price of loss is grief, but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love." --Hilary Stanton Zunin

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"Ain't no shame in holding on to grief as long as you make room for other things." Bubbles (Reginald) from The Wire

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"The only way you deal with those things [a tragedy], I think, is you just gotta focus on what's left - what you have." Senator Joe Biden, Delaware (in an interview about losing his first wife and young daughter in a car accident)

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From the blog of Biogal, printed on Jen's Team Killion blog:
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too. I think of you in silence, I often say your name, but all I have is memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is my keepsake with which I’ll never part. God has you in his keeping. I have you in my heart. I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I’ve cried. If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died. In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still. In my heart you hold a place no one can ever fill. It broke my heart to lose you, buy you didn’t go alone. For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.

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We know we'll have a baby. And we're going to have the baby we're supposed to have. Whatever baby we end up with will be the right baby. Our baby. And we know that we'll hold that child and think, "If our journey had been easy, we wouldn't have you." ~Emily Giffin (Baby Proof)

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"God doesn't always change the circumstances, He did not change them for Jesus on that hillside outside Juruselum. But the cross is also proof that God always has a purpose in the circumstances and that His purpose and His plan will prevail and will triumph through any circumstances in this world."

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Find what makes you happy and do it until you die.

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From Angie Smith's blog:
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

"He loves you right where you are, but He loves you too much to leave you there."

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The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart. ~ Robert Ingersoll

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Grief is Not a Sign of Weakness,
Nor a Loss of Faith,
It is the Price Of Love.

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Do not make someone a priority if they are only willing to make you an option.

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"The more you expect from life, the more your expectations will be fulfilled. By laughing, you don't use up your laughter, but increase your store of it. The more you love, the more you will be loved. The more you give, the more you will receive."

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"The only way to the other side is through it." from The Pilot's Wife

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I wait patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40:1-3
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If I could do everything, then there'd be no reason for hope. - Michael J. Fox, 2009

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Since I'm not sure of the address to which to send my gratitude, I put it out there in everything I do. - Michael J. Fox, 2009

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Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
~ Philippians 4:6, NLT

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When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time." shared by Shannon

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"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough." Oprah Winfrey

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24 hours later, and

I feel like shit. Tylenol 3 is like candy for me (kinda like morphine!). I haven't slept. I can't. Although I went to bed at 9:45ish last night, I woke up every 1-2 hours to pee. I tried to sleep throughout the day, but I can't. I'm not cramping much, but my abdomen is sore, my head hurts, and my eyes & face are puffy and swollen.

Tonight, I get to play doctor and switch my pain meds to something more powerful. Dr. Rambler is currently debating between Hydrocodone and Percoset. Hhhmmm . . . such an important decision for the patient. Dr. thinks Hydrocodone will win first place. Percoset makes her goofier than usual.

At least my mom came by and gave us flu shots today. I needed more poking. :)

So from the bed of the Rambler . . . with Mindy my cat on the left, and Steve my dog on the right - Nighty Night - I hope!

Surgery #3 - The lowdown.

Disclaimer: I've tried to type this in a coherent, gramatically correct, perfect spelling post. If any of that does not happen, blame it on the drugs.

From a recovery standpoint, this surgery is MUCH better than my last! I think the fact that it was a hysteroscopy and not a laparoscopy, coupled with the fact that I told the docs no morphine, really helped. I was so blown up from the lap surgery that I was miserable. This time I'm just blown up from being fat. ;)

Surgery began around 2:oo, and I woke up in recovery having some nice discussions with my recovery nurse about her job, how my mom was a nurse, how I wanted to be a nurse, etc. Guess I was pretty coherent (at least in my mind - ha!). I also woke up needing to go to the bathroom, so when I was taken back to my room around 4:30 or so, I was ready to pee and eat/drink so I could go home! I was a good girl - sipping my ginger ale, eating my crackers, and requiring no pain meds since recovery. (I also knew pain meds = 1 more hour in the hospital.)

In the HSC, Dr. G&D (my RE) removed a fibroid that was on the backside of my uterus - where embroys typically like to implant. He told my DH that everything went well. Dr. G&D also said there is a slight possibility of a uterine septum. WTH? Why haven't any of the thousands of men in my hooha seen it? Guess we'll discuss this more during my postop appointment. DH and I were both told that we need to get pg asap, and at my postop we can discuss how agressive we would like to be. We'll be as agressive as we need, as long as agressive does not = lots of cash. The good news from the surgery? It cost me nothing! Guess that's the silver lining of multiple surgeries in one year since I met my annual deductible and out of pocket expenses in April!

We got home some time after 6ish (I think), ate dinner, and I got in bed. I checked email, my online boards, etc. then watched some TV. I went to bed around 9:30 after some snuggle time with my DH on one side and my Stevie on the other. I wanted so desperately to sleep like a rock throughout the night, but I've been up every hour or two to go to the bathroom. Gggrrrrr. I'm a little sore in my abdomen and my throat is really sore from being intubated. The meds are making me a little light-headed, but that's okay as long as I'm not hurting. Plus, I'm probably a little light-headed naturally. ha!

This morning, DH asked me "what my plans are for today". WTH does that mean? Uhhh, I'm sitting on my ass, sleeping, and expecting food and beverage delivery throughout the day. Yep, those are my plans! Luckily my mother will be by later in case I need some real TLC that sometimes only my mom can provide. Of course, that can be a double-edged sword because it often is accompanied by nagging and unsolicited advice. For now, I'll take it. :)

Thanks for all of the prayers, thoughts, warm fuzzies, emails, and messages. My friends and this online community of strangers friends with whom I am blessed have saved me time and time again. I love all of you!

Ready, Set, GO!

Dr. G&D (who actually chuckled yesterday!) prescribed misoprostol that I took last night. Cramping again. Fun. More bleeding. Delightful. I've only been bleeding for 14 days now. Luckily there are pain pills for after I get home. I love pain pills. In fact, I wish I could take one now. :)

Today is starving-to-death today since I can't eat or drink anything as of midnight. Of course I did a lot of grocery shopping this week, and our kitchen is filled with yummy fruits, breads, meats, veggies, cheese, etc. (mmmmm!) Hospital check-in is at 11:45. I'll get vampired & then given the chance to sit around and chew my fingernails or something less entertaining. Surgery is set for 1:45. I hope to be home no later than 6:00. I just hope my pain can be better managed this round.

Last night I was emotional, and I am again this morning. This has been a stressful week in many ways & I probably need the release. I'm just feeling really left behind lately. It seems like there are babies and children all around us, but none of them are ours. I hate feeling lonely - especially when I'm surrounded by people. This journey has been so difficult. I know when we have a beautiful, healthy baby to bring home it will make more sense. But for now, it still hurts.

I'm a little nervous but also ready to get this over with. Here we go . . .

Welcome to RPL

Hello. I'm Kristin, and I'll be your tour guide today. On our very unexciting tour of RPL today, we'll see the life of Kristin. You'll have the opportunity to share in the misery of the past 20 months of her life, including but not limited to:

• first one and a half years of marriage
• 3 miscarriages
• 3 surgeries
• tens of thousands of dollars paid in medical bills
• more meds taken than an old lady
• hair loss
• hormonal fits
• acne-ravaged skin (face, back, chest)
• 20 or more additional pounds
• an almost broken marriage (now repaired)
• grief
• depression
• anxiety
• loneliness
• therapy
• dozens of vials of blood drawn
• countless numbers of unsolicited advice & hurtful statements
• 5 different docs in her hooha + nurses, etc.
• family & friends who have gotten pregnant, had babies & are doing it again
• countless wasted hpts
• over 400 days of temping and charting
• unmeasurable buckets of tears
• numerous pity parties
• cramps
• lots of bleeding
• endless frustration
• empty arms and broken heart

I hope you hated this tour as much as I have. I know many of you have your own tours to offer, and for that I am sorry. I haven't been on your exact tour, just as you have not been on mine, but I know that it has been miserable for you. Know that you will get through it.

We hope to have our next tour available very soon. We are trying everything within our power to schedule a BABY TOUR in the near future. Please check back for upcoming tour dates.

Lord, hear our prayers.

Earning the Title

Welcome to Fertile Ramblings ------- and I do mean RAMBLINGS. Gotta get all of this out of my head, off my chest, and somewhere out of my dream patterns. I don't even care if you read this or not. (If you don't read the bullet points, please drop to the bottom of this post & read the Perspective.)

• Done with Progestin - what a headached-ridden, nauseaus, bitchy week.


• Stressed out today - school, kids, grocery store, parking lots, getting sub plans ready, impromptu (read: stupid) meetings, & everything in between.


• Tired of zits - all over. Everywhere - on my neck, chin, jawline, eyebrows, collarbone, cheeks, eyelid. Hello? Stop it!


• Got another medical bill - another one - ugh.


• Preregistered for my surgery today - was asked what I have met of my deductible. All $3500, thanks. That happened in April!


• House looks like crap - not my fault. DH has to get his crap (and I mean his crap) together. I can't be his momma, his maid, his chef, and his bitch. I'm not that good and don't want to be. ;)


• Glad the election is almost over Not so thrilled with having to listen to election coverage on EVERY channel available at higher-than-hearing-aid-wearers' volume. Please Honey . . .


• DH held one of our friends' babies tonight. I wasn't there to witness it, but our friend sent me a picture -- hahaha. How comfortable does he (NOT) look?! Don't drop her!! It would upset her twin sister! What's funny is that she loves it when he holds her. She probably remembers when she was in the NICU with her 3-pound self being held my large (& nervous) husband. Such fond memories.

• I'm so tired of paying everyone all of my money. I work my butt off every day, and I just give it away. I rarely have any money leftover for things such as clothing, travel, etc.


• Prices have definitely gone up. Groceries cost me much more tonight than usual.


• Thank goodness tomorrow is maid day. (see complaint about filthy home above)


• "Was the TV really that loud?" asks DH. YES. And now that you turned it down, it's still freaking loud!


• I cut off my 1st Common Thread Bracelet on Sunday. It was so sad & worn out looking. I'd been wearing it since May and hadn't taken it off. I'm saving it for my scrapbook. Hope I didn't jinx myself or something.


• Everyone is having babies but me.


• I wonder if I'll actually get pregnant AND have a baby. It feels farther & farther away each month. I'm beginning to feel the hole in my heart that only a baby could fill getting wider and deeper.


• Thank God for wine.


• I love my dogs and cat. They give so much love and receive so much of my love.


• I'm completely & totally looking forward to the pain meds on Friday. I just have to remember to tell my drug lord (aka anesthesiologist) to use something besides morphine. Last time morphine was like candy for me. LOTS of candy!
  
  
• I've gotten so fat that only two pairs of my winter pants fit right. And they are very snug. The other pair are sweats. Geez.
  
  
• We have hawks living in the trees near our house. I sit in the bathroom extra long in the mornings to hear them talk with one another.
  
  
• I almost bought a box of hpts at the store. How stupid.

Perspective: (READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN'T READ ANYTHING ELSE.) With all of my whining, worrying, complaining, stressing, and more - it could be so much worse. DH's former principal and her husband lost their 3 month old daughter this weekend. They believe it was SIDS. Please pray for them and their two surviving children. It's absolutely heartbreaking. I always try to remember that when things are bad, they could be worse. There is the proof.

Aaahhhh

Now that looks better, doesn't it? I was getting tired of all that blog "stuff" going on, and I needed a clean (yet fancy) new look. :)

If you haven't already, check out The Cutest Blog on the Block to give yourself a free blogover. It's easy, and you won't even lose your gadgets or widgets - sweet!

Poor, Clueless Men

I just overheard DH talking to a friend of his on the phone. He said, "Yeah, she has to have surgery next week. There's a FIbroid or FIBroid - whatever it's called - in her uterus."

For the record, dear, it is a FIbroid. I know, since it's in my ute! (Which *better* be bright & shiny this time next week.)

I'm still feeling the s/e of the progestin. I learned through my friend Mr.Google last night that I'm basically taking 10x the daily dosage of BCP each day. No wonder I go from bitchy to weepy in no time!

You Want an Update?

Blech. Yuck. Eewww. That's how I feel. If I'm going to be nauseas, I better be pregnant or have a stomach flu that will help me lose fifty pounds. Oh, and I'm cranky too. Watch out world!

Side Effects . . .

. . . aren't too bad when you forget to take all of your morning meds! I'm sure my blood pressure is up, but no s/e from the progestin yet! Oops.

Check!

Surgery is scheduled for the afternoon of Friday, November 7. Finally. Let's get this uterus cleaned out and healthy this time. Please! Now that it's scheduled, I can go from being irritated and impatient to nervous and anxious. I'm also starting progestin today per my RE's instructions. The side effects sound delightful!

"The main side effects are acne, bloating, breakthrough bleeding, breast discomfort, depression, dizziness, fluid retention, headaches, irregular bleeding, lethargy, moodiness, nausea, prolonged bleeding, spotting, vomiting and weight gain."

Years ago, I took Depo-Provera as birth control & didn't have many side effects that I remember, so I'm hoping that remains the case. I did warn my DH & my work team though! But then again, looking at all of these side effects, it sounds like a normal day for me!!

Don't Upset the Grouchy, Crampy Lady

AF is here. With a vengeance. And cramps. And bloating. And BIG TIME cramps. Did I say cramps already? I don't usually have bad cramps (did I say it again?), but these are not fun.

Now to the upsetting the grouchy, crampy lady . . . Can I say stupid scheduling bitch at the RE's office again? (Stupid Scheduling Bitch!) Seems like there isn't really anything "open" in the OR for November 6th right now. Nope, nothing open at one of the largest hospitals in the Dallas area. Nothing. Zip. Nada! I'm not sure how much is S.S.B.'s fault & how much is the hospital's fault, but c'mon people. I have cramps & I want this surgery done. (especially if it will alleviate these cramps) I was told that she'd know something on the 29th. Yep, my school will love getting a week's notice that I'll be out for a couple of days. It really won't be that much of a problem, but I want the doctor's office to think it will be.

SSB calls me back at work while 32 beady, little eyes watch their teacher try to speak in code on the phone. I finally told the lady that I couldn't talk, and I'd call her back after school. Then she continues to hold me hostage (as I call it) on the phone. I interrupted her one last time and said, "As you know, I'm a teacher. I have a classroom full of kids waiting on me right now. If he can't do it, I will find someone who will. I will call you back after school." Click.

Yes, I will call back. And Crampy Lady will be ready. Hope that stupid RE's office is ready!

From the look of things . .

We'll be having surgery before a baby. (Thanks for the update reminder, Tracy. Shouldn't you be trying to go into labor or something??!!!) I'm honestly kind of relieved because most likely a pregnancy right now wouldn't survive the beast in my uterus that needs to be removed.

I am scheduled for November 6th surgery, but the stupid scheduling bitch at Dr. G&D's office won't confirm it. I know that sounds rude, and so be it. I've called their office three times to get the surgery scheduled and she gives me no answers. She's given me repsonses like, "It's so far out to schedule surgery" (WTH?!) and "What other dates would you like?" (Answer: None - it has to be done during a certain time in my schedule & as a teacher I can't just head out for surgery one afternoon.) Gosh, you'd think I'm actually excited about having another surgery as many times as I've had to make contact.

I'm calling tomorrow to speak directly with Dr. G&D. If they aren't overly concerned about scheduling my surgery, he certainly isn't going to get up my hooha and deal with my only uterus. There are plenty of other men, I mean doctors, who are willing to get all up in my hooha and get the job done.

On a non-complaining note, DH & I went to a Halloween party last night where the hostesses hired a card/palm reader for the guests. DH & I went in together, and learned that I'm having 2 children (+ our 3 m/cs), and DH is having 7 children (which includes our 3 m/cs). You KNOW these card readers know all! Guess we'll just wait for knocks on the door some day to figure out who those other two children of his are! ;)

I Love Your Blog, I Love My Blog

Katie loves my blog! Aaawwww, thanks, Katie!













The way this works is I answer the following questions with single word responses, and pass the award on to 7 other bloggers:

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? Couch
3. Your hair color? blonde
4. Your mother? caring
5. Your father? amazing
6. Your favorite thing? family
7. Your dream last night? weird
8. Your dream/goal? motherhood
9. The room you're in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? scrapbooking
11. Your fear? childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? family
13. Where were you last night? party
14. What you're not? dressed
15. One of your wish list items? countertops
16. Where you grew up? Dallas
17. The last thing you did? read
18. What are you wearing? nightgown
19. Your T.V.? Cowboys
20. Your pet? four
21. Your computer? laptop
22. Your mood? tired
23. Missing someone? yes
24. Your car? Pilot
25. Something you're not wearing? pants
26. Favorite store? none
27. Your Summer? missing
28. Love someone? yes
29. Your favorite color? black
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? yesterday

Here are seven blogs I love!

Peck Family Blog
Chris * Jenn * Caleb * Noelle
mudpie memories
Heartstrings
Joyce's Blog
Fertile Hope
Antigone Lost